All The Good Puns About The Periodic Table Argon!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

.

.

I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

.

.

My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

.

.

I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

.

.

My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

.

.

I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

.

.

Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

 

.

.

They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

.

.

My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

.

.

I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

.

.

What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

.

.

I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

.

.

Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

.

.

A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

.

.

=======================================

.

People Who Use Euphemisms Really Get On My You Know Whats!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Pun day!

Twenty more examples of word play to make you smile or groan, or maybe even both.

Enjoy!

.

.

No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t figure out

what’s the opposite of ironing.

It’s depressing.

.

.

.

What’s the difference between mountains and hills?

Mountains tend to get high, but hills are less inclined

.

.

.

After criticizing yet another outfit, my wife said she

was going to leave me due to my poor dress sense.

“Please baby” I pleaded. “I can change.”

.

.

.

Doctor Who started working for our road repair company today,

his first job was to fill in potholes.

“Tardis”, I told him.

.

.

.

Pepperami..

What Sgt Pepper served in.

.

.

.

Did you hear about the guy who was so stupid

that when they gave him enough rope,

he shot himself.

.

.

.

The blow hard bloke next door says his car is more powerful than mine

and that he would easily beat me in a race.

He’s all torque.

.

.

.

I’ve been caught up in a race row.

I don’t care what he says, I won fair and square.

.

.

.

People often tell me I have very little patience.

But that’s probably because I’m a doctor specializing in dwarfism.

.

.

.

A friend of mine accused me of plagiarism.

I didn’t know what that meant, but I took his word.

.

.

.

I saw that the latest remake of the Dukes of Hazzard includes

a scene where Bo and Luke install a talking car alarm.

I’m not sure that’s going to go down well,

General Lee speaking.

.

.

.

The wife used to work on a maternity ward.

It was labor-intensive.

.

.

.

My new neighbor works in a board game factory.

His job is to take small wooden cubes and engrave them.

I don’t like him…

He’s dot a dice person.

.

.

.

I stopped at a hotel last night called

“The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

It was a Best Western.

.

.

.

I once met a really stupid bloke on a Greek island.

He was a Cretan.

.

.

.

At an awards dinner last night,

I just finished enjoying some middle eastern dip

when I was called up to accept my award.

It was post hummus.

.

.

.

A few weeks ago, 1,400 people were killed in Syria by a chemical attack.

It almost became Obama’s road to Degasmasks.

.

.

.

I can never wear my lucky golf socks again.

I got a hole in one.

.

.

.

And since we are almost at the end of today’s post,

I have to announce that unfortunately tonight’s

Self Harmers Anonymous group

has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

.

.

.

An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant

and asked “Is there any chicken on the menu?”

I replied “No black Betty, it’s ham or lamb.”

.

.

======================================

.

Beware Of Geeks Bearing GIFs!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The clue is always in the title.

Yes, prepare to give you chuckle muscles a workout.

It’s pun day.

Another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy   

.

.

I’ve been trying to get this computer to work for an hour now.

Wish I’d bought a laptop.

So much lighter to carry.

.

.

.

My friend clearly wears dentures but won’t admit it.

He’s lying through his teeth.

.

.

.

Still thinking of taking that long term job in the PDRK?

Personally I’d choose a different Korea.

.

.

.

As my wife and three of her friends

squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers,

I muttered under my breath, “Fat cows.”

“What was that?” snapped my wife.

“You herd.”

.

.

.

I thought I was in for the long hall.

But it was just a really big mirror at the end of it.

.

.

.

I was in the fitting room when a

beautiful woman walked in holding a lacy bra.

I think she was trying it on.

.

.

.

Scientists have discovered a new shade of green.

It’s sublime.

.

.

.

Old MacDonald loves to play with action dolls….

G I G I Joe.

.

.

.

I clicked on the ‘Home Alone’ link earlier.

It opened a page for an Italian mortgage company.

.

.

.

I entered my dog in the redneck dog show last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

.

.

.

Would anyone like to buy any cymbal shaped pillows?

$50 Per cushion.

.

.

.

Think the worst time of my life was when I worked as a cinema usher.

I was in a very dark place back then.

.

.

.

It’s amazing how a piece of technology as simple

as a tablet can revolutionize your life.

Those viagra are amazing.

.

.

.

I’ve found the alcohol which has solved all my problems.

It was liqueur.

.

.

.

I have a lot of hangups.

I blame telemarketers.

.

.

.

I’ve styled my hair so that it appears like I’ve got horns.

It’s my gnu look.

.

.

.

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden left Moscow Airport a while ago.

He’s no longer hiding in plane site.

.

.

.

Bauxite refining is a secret carefully guarded by the aluminati.

.

.

.

I can’t see the new Nicholas Cage action movie doing very well.

He plays a wrongly convicted man, trapped among

a bunch of the world’s most dangerous criminals,

all stuck inside a Refrigeration Factory.

It’s called Air Con

.

.

.

Finally when I saw a woman had broken down at

the side of the road I didn’t stop to help her.

I’m not a psychiatrist.

.

====================================

.