Whenever I Play A Battle Of Minds, I Plato Win….

”Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Once again the clue is in the title.

Another pun day.

The usual mixture of puns, word play and jokes of varying quality.

Enjoy!

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What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat?

A dandy lion.

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I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club, five minutes late.

They said, “Oh, nice of you to join us.”

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What are the chances of me coming up

with a pun about being overweight?

Slim.

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I was minding my own business

when I thought to myself,

“Maybe becoming a self-employed security guard

wasn’t such a good idea.”

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Mein Kampf.

Contains “Adolf humour”

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I have discovered that if you rearrange the letters of:

“THE POST OFFICE”

…you severely piss off the mailmen.

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I’ve opened an online dating company

especially designed for deaf mutes.

It’s called ‘The Conversations Ltd.’

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My girlfriend is temperamental.

That’s 50% temper and 50% mental.

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I have been working in a mirror factory for years now.

It’s what I’ve always seen myself doing.

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Why do they take organs from pigs and give them to humans?

Because pigs can’t play organs.

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Tom Cruise:

taking the art out of being a ‘bartender’

since 1988.

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It was a busy night at the Bulimic support clinic.

The place was heaving.

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I have a contact lens problem.

I have no contact lens solution.

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What’s big, grey and doesn’t matter?

An Irr-elephant.

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The Beastie Boys are launching a new five-part fanzine,

documenting their rise to stardom.

Parts A to D will be freely available in the shops

for general purchase but, consistent with their band’s ethos,

you’ll have to fight for your right to Part E.

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Did You Know? More Random Facts From Fasab’s Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another chance to increase your knowledge with a very random list of facts from fasab’s files.

Have some fun throwing one or two of these into conversations. It will either make you the hit of the party, or you won’t be asked back. Possibly a win-win scenario!

As always, enjoy.

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“I” is the most spoken word in the English language

 

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“You” is the second most spoken English word

 

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An Olympic gold medal must contain 92.5 percent silver

 

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Lee Harvey Oswald’s cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

 

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The average American works 24,000 hours in their lifetime

just to pay their taxes

 

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A quarter of Russia is covered by forest.

 

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A rodents teeth never stop growing.

They are worn down by the animal’s constant gnawing

on bark, leaves, and vegetables.

 

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About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians

died by the time they were thirty.

 

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A Walla Walla scene

is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background

when they say walla walla it looks like they are actually talking.

 

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Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans

because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

 

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Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952.

 

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Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

(He’d have a fit if he knew I’d told you that!)

 

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In eighteenth century English gambling dens,

there was an employee whose only job

was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid.

 

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In England, in the 1800’s pants was considered a dirty word.

 

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In the movie “Star Trek: First Contact”,

when Picard shows Lilly she is orbiting Earth,

Australia and Papa New Guinea are clearly visible

.. But New Zealand is missing.

 

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Irving Berlin, who was born on 11 May 1888

and who composed three thousand songs in his lifetime,

couldn’t read music.

 

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It is estimated that millions of trees in the world

are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts

and then forget where they hid them.

 

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Jacques Cousteau invented scuba gear

while in the French resistance during World War II

 

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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street

were named after Bert the cop and Ernie

the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

 

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A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champange

will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

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