Can You Believe It? I’ve Run Out Of Puns!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Okay, wipe that smirk off your faces.

Of course I haven’t run out of puns. Whoever would believe such a thing.

And just to prove it, here are some more.

Enjoy, I know you will.

.

.

I ate the burger with relish.

.

.

Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens ?

A: Because all they would say was ” Bach , Bach ………Bach , Bach”

.

.

You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic.

But where is the proof?

.

.

The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.

.

.

When they said I was mad I went out and got drunk.

I guess it was a choice between having a bottle in front of me

or a frontal lobotomy.

.

.

When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.

.

.

Coffee is for mugs

.

.

Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

.

.

My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.”

I thought great, threw on some shorts and

flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find

our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

.

.

There’s no denying it, Rap is 75% Crap

.

.

I just saw an advert for the new film: ‘The Hole – Now in 3D!’

Well, surely it has to be in 3D otherwise it’s just a circle.

.

.

You invented White Out didn’t you?

Correct me If I’m wrong….

.

.

A lot of stupid people who don’t keep up with current

affairs still don’t know who Kim Jong Un is.

Duhhh, she is the leader of North Korea.

.

.

An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being

sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.

So I guess it’s no more mist and ice guy.

.

.

Q. What makes a riot?

A. Three dyslexics.

.

.

A colleague just burst into my office

while I was busy working

and demanded to know what an

electrical synapse in the human body was.

The nerve.

.

.

Did you hear about the guy who got his thrills

by shoving resistors up his bottom.

He definitely sounds like an Ohmosexual to me.

.

.

My internet bride got delivered today.

She’s the WiFi always dreamed of.

.

.

If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

.

.

Finally some news from this week on the stock market.

Helium was up, but feathers were down.

Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points.

Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline.

Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom.

The raisin market has dried up.

Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.

Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.

.

======================================

.

 

Did You Know? More Random Facts From Fasab’s Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Another chance to increase your knowledge with a very random list of facts from fasab’s files.

Have some fun throwing one or two of these into conversations. It will either make you the hit of the party, or you won’t be asked back. Possibly a win-win scenario!

As always, enjoy.

.

.

“I” is the most spoken word in the English language

 

 .

.

“You” is the second most spoken English word

 

.

. 

An Olympic gold medal must contain 92.5 percent silver

 

.

. 

Lee Harvey Oswald’s cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

 

.

. 

The average American works 24,000 hours in their lifetime

just to pay their taxes

 

.

. 

A quarter of Russia is covered by forest.

 

.

. 

A rodents teeth never stop growing.

They are worn down by the animal’s constant gnawing

on bark, leaves, and vegetables.

 

.

. 

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians

died by the time they were thirty.

 

.

. 

A Walla Walla scene

is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background

when they say walla walla it looks like they are actually talking.

 

.

. 

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans

because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

 

.

. 

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952.

 

.

. 

Alexander the Great was an epileptic.

(He’d have a fit if he knew I’d told you that!)

 

.

. 

In eighteenth century English gambling dens,

there was an employee whose only job

was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid.

 

.

. 

In England, in the 1800’s pants was considered a dirty word.

 

.

.

In the movie “Star Trek: First Contact”,

when Picard shows Lilly she is orbiting Earth,

Australia and Papa New Guinea are clearly visible

.. But New Zealand is missing.

 

.

. 

Irving Berlin, who was born on 11 May 1888

and who composed three thousand songs in his lifetime,

couldn’t read music.

 

.

. 

It is estimated that millions of trees in the world

are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts

and then forget where they hid them.

 

.

. 

Jacques Cousteau invented scuba gear

while in the French resistance during World War II

 

 .

.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street

were named after Bert the cop and Ernie

the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

 

.

. 

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champange

will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

.

 

 .

=============================

.

Okay, Enough Of The Presidential Nonsense – Time To Get Serious!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Yes, if the election didn’t make you groan, here’s your chance.

Its bad joke pun day!

Enjoy them if you can.  

 .

 .

It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

 .

 .

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”

 .

 .

An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.

 .

 .

Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

 .

 .

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

 .

 .

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

 .

 .

Communism first took off in the insect kingdom when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.

 .

 .

In the winter my dog wears his coat,

but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

 .

 .

Did you hear about the raisin that wined about how he couldn’t achieve grapeness.

 .

 .

Opening a new funeral parlor can be quite an undertaking.

 .

 .

I tend to avoid funerals, I’m not really a mourning person.

 .

 .

The grammarian was never late. In fact he was always very punctual.

 .

 .

I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.

 .

 .

I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

 .

 .

To many girls the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.

 .

 .

Those who stare at the moon are optimists.

They only look at the bright side.

 .

 .

Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.

 .

 .

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?

Of Corsican.

 .

====================================