Welcome To A Bumper Seasonal Edition Of Puns For The Holidays

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This week I have a bumper seasonal selection of word plays or puns that are all about or related to the Christmas Holiday Season. Some of them will sleigh you!

They aren’t any better or worse than normal, just themed.

And please don’t say they themed better last week!!!

Enjoy.

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Doing puns is my stocking trade at this time of year…

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Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

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What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

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What did the salt say to the pepper at Christmas?

Season’s Greetings.

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What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?

“Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way.”

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Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because he had the drum sticks.

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What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

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A man walks into a diner desiring breakfast.

The waitress seats him and he asks what the specials are.

She tells him the Christmas special is Eggs Benedict.

He orders the special.

A little later, the waitress comes out with the Eggs Benedict, served on hubcaps.

Surprised, he asks why the hubcaps instead of regular plates?

Her response?

“There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

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If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missle toe!

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What is Santa’s primary language?

North Polish.

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Is Christmas the one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple.

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Why does Santa like to go down chimneys?

Because it soots him!

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Won’t all that soot make him sick? No. He’s had his flue shot.

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What famous playwright was intimidated by Christmas?

Noel Coward

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How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

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“Wouldn’t just gold and frankincense do?” the third wise man demurred.

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Why do you have to make sure the fire is out for Santa Claus coming down the chimney?

Coz if you didn’t you’d end up with a Crisp Cringle?

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What is a computer nerd’s favorite hymn?

Oh, .com all ye faithful!

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Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?

Because he was stuffed.

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Once there was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.

One day as he was standing in his house with his wife he looked out the window and saw something happening.

He says to his wife, “Look honey. It’s raining.” 

She, being the obstinate type, responded, ”I don’t think so, dear. I think it’s snowing.” 

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, ”Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” 

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and says, ”I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

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If you don’t believe in Xmas parties do you still remain eggnogstic?

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When the innkeeper’s assistant told Joseph there was no room at the Inn, he said “I’d like to see the manger.”

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I was fed up by the time I got to my last present so I wrapped it up.

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Are people who are afraid of Santa Claus-trophobic?

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Oh, like I hadn’t heard that old chestnut before.

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“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

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Scrooge loves all the male reindeer, because every buck is dear to him.

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What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

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Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

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Then there was the golfer who played on Christmas and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par 3.

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The garden center got all spruced up to sell Christmas trees.

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This is not fir I can’t think of any more.

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What is there left to say except have a Happy Holly Day.

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