It’s Friday 13th!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There is a lot of nonsense surrounding Friday 13th.

Many superstitious people consider it to be unlucky. So much so in fact that they spend most, if not all, of that day in their homes, afraid to venture out into the great world beyond in case something bad happens to them.

In fact it has been estimated that around a billion dollars are lost every Friday the 13th because people are scared to work and travel on this date.

The really unfortunate thing is that sometimes circumstances play right into their hands, which only serves to reinforce their superstitions.

You can find some of them below along with other facts about Friday 13th that I hope you enjoy reading.

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Friday-13th

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Every month has a 13th but no single year

has more than three Friday the 13th’s

and on average there are two.

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Months with a Friday the 13th

always begin on a Sunday.

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Folklore remedies for triskaidekaphobia

include climbing to the top of a mountain

or skyscraper and burning all the socks you own

that have holes in them.

Another is to stand on your head

and eat a piece of gristle.

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It is from the Norse goddess Frigg, or Freyja,

that we get Frigg’s Day, or Freyja’s Day

which became the English Friday.

Norse goddess Frigg

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On Friday 13 2006,

36 inches of snow fell on upstate New York.

The ensuing chaos claimed three lives

and caused $130 million worth of damage.

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On a Friday 13th in 1307.

thousands of soldier monks of the powerful

Knights Templar were massacred

by French king Louis IV.

Many people believe this is where

our fear of the date springs from.

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Friday 13 January, 1939

in Australia is known as Black Friday

because on that date bushfires

decimated 20,000 km² of land,

killing 71 people and

destroying several towns entirely.

Victoria Australia Black Friday fires 1939

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Retired bus conductor Bob Renphrey of North Wales

decided to spend every Friday 13 in bed

after a run of bad luck on the

fateful day during the early 1990s.

Among other misfortunes

he wrote off four cars,

got made redundant,

fell into a river,

crashed a motorcycle

and walked through a plate glass door.

When Bob died of cancer in 1998,

his widow Betty, who on previous Friday 13ths

had fallen downstairs,

been hit by falling guttering

and been hospitalized

after Bob hit her in the face

with a stick he was throwing to a dog,

decided to book his funeral for

Friday 13 March as a final tribute.

Alas, all Rhyl’s undertakers were too busy.

“Bob would have seen the funny side,”

said Mrs Renphrey.

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On Friday 13 July, 1951

in Kansas ‘The Great Flood’

left 2 million acres of land underwater,

causing $760 million and killing 24 people.

Kansas ‘The Great Flood’

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Friday 13 August, 1976

was particularly unlucky

for New York man Daz Baxter.

Having elected to stay in bed

to ward off bad luck,

the floor of his apartment block collapsed

and he fell six storeys to his death.

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Black Sabbath’s self-titled first album

was released in the UK on

Friday, February 13, 1970.

It wasn’t unlucky for them.

Black Sabbath’s self-titled first album

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Michelle and Gary Docherty had a

memorable wedding on Friday 13 August 2004.

First, a swarm of wasps attacked guests

at East Kilbride Registry Office, Lanarkshire,

as they waited for Michelle’s arrival.

Her aunt Mary Strachan

smashed an expensive digital camera

trying to swat one of the pests,

and when Michelle finally did turn up,

an insect flew up her dress,

triggering a panic attack.

After the ceremony,

two minibuses booked to transport guests

to the reception failed to turn up

and the couple lost their wedding video.

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On Friday November 13, 1970

a monster South Asian storm hit Bangladesh

killing 300,000 people in Chittagong

and creating floods that killed one million people

living on the Ganges Delta.

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Women drivers have a 64% increased chance

of death when driving on Friday the 13th.

Woman driver

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Friday 13 February, 1998

was simply business as usual for Manchester man,

John Sheridan, dubbed Britain’s unluckiest man

after once having his car stolen five times in one day,

making 16 trips to casualty in two years,

seeing eight TVs explode in six months

and losing out on a £4000 lottery win when he

put the ticket in the washing machine with his jeans.

John’s big day began when his Saab ran out of petrol.

He hitched a lift with a sympathetic policeman,

whose car broke down at the garage.

John returned to his car with a can of petrol,

got it started but lost a wheel as he turned a corner.

He returned home on a bus, which broke down.

Completing his journey on foot,

he realized he’d left his keys inside the car

and had to return in case in was stolen.

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Friday, October 13th, 1989,

the stock exchange suffered a serious crash,

the second most damaging in market history at the time

(this was in the pre-recession era). 

Brokers were in a state of shock,

as the Dow Jones Industrial Average

was down 190.58 points.

In Britain a deadly virus crashed IBM computers,

terrifying people and deleting lots of data

that could not be recovered.

This was before backup systems were used.

stock exchange crash

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A full moon on Friday February 13 1987

drove troubled Robert Bullard, 21,

to attempt suicide by putting his head in a gas oven.

Not only was his methodology flawed,

suicide by natural gassing is virtually impossible

since Britain moved from lethal coke gas

to less dangerous natural gas,

but a flicked light switch caused an explosion

which injured his mother and a policeman

and caused £35,000 of damage.

Robert was unharmed.

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On Friday the 13th, 2012,

the cruise ship Costa Concordia partially sank

killing more than 30 people.

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Friday 13 October 1972 was the date

a plane carrying Uruguayan rugby team

Montevideo Old Christians crashed

on its way from Montevideo to Santiago, Chile.

When rescuers finally found the fourteen 

survivors two months later,

it emerged that they had survived

by eating human flesh from some of the

thirty-one crew and passengers

who had perished in the crash.

In 1992, the story was filmed as

Alive, starring Ethan Hawke.

movie Alive

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On the same day, Friday October 13, 1972,

an Aeroflot Il-62 airplane carrying 176 people

took off from Paris on a commuter flight

bound for Leningrad and Moscow.

The plane landed at Leningrad

and then took off for Sheremetyevo airport,

located just outside Moscow.

The weather was bad with rain and poor visibility.

The pilots were told to descend on approach to

the airport, but for unknown reasons,

they attempted and failed to land twice.

On the third attempt to land,

the plane crashed into a large pond

about 4 miles short of the airport.

There were no survivors.

No cause of the accident was ever established.

At the time, the crash resulted in one of the worst

loss of life incidents for a single plane crash, in history.

It remains the 44th worse loss of life in

an airplane crash in aviation history.

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On Friday the 13th August, 2010

at 13 minutes after the 13th hour (1 PM),

a 13 year old boy was struck by lightning

as he was watching an air show

at Lowestoft, England.

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The Hollywood sign above Los Angeles, California,

was first unveiled by the owner

of the Los Angeles Times newspaper,

Harry Chandler,

on Friday the 13th of July, 1923.

Hollywoodland sign

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According to at least one interpretation

of the Mayan calendar the world will end

on 13.13.13.13.13.13.13.0.0.0.0

or in the Gregorian calendar,

Friday, October 13, 4772.

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But before then,

on Friday the 13th in 2029,

Asteroid 99942 Apophis

is forecast to pass earth at a

closer distance than any of our satellites.

Crikey!

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If It Wasn’t For Blinds It Would Be Curtains For All Of Us.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Thankfully it isn’t curtains for Pun Day either.

Here is another selection for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I bought a herb plant today.

It’s in great condition.

It’s mint.

Mint Herb

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I missed my miniature Indian musical

instrument practice last night.

I couldn’t find a baby sitar.

indian-sitar

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Q.S.V.X.X.

The National Society

of Bad Abbreviators.

nsba-logo

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I can’t seem to get on the Lilt website.

It keeps saying it’s refreshing!

lilt_product_pack

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I went to the doctor’s today.

He said, “You’re dying.”

I said, “How do you know?”

He said, “Your eyebrows are a different color.”

Alistair Darling

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Have you ever wondered what

happened to the first Timbuk?

Timbuktu

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Saw a man this morning wheel spinning in the snow

not really getting anywhere. He was furious.

Shouting, swearing, going absolutely mental.

He needs to get a grip, I thought to myself.

car wheels spinning in snow

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I was almost late for my Cocaine Awareness lecture.

Talk about cutting it fine.

cocaine awareness lecture

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Know who I blame for the rise of drugs in schools?

The supply teachers.

selling drugs in schools

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Nine of my mum’s sisters have been standing

outside the Church all night holding candles.

You can’t beat vigil aunties.

ChurchCandles

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I’ve just bought a new sub-zero refrigerator.

How cool is that?

sub-zero refrigerator

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I went to an Italian restaurant

and they had spaghetti on the menu.

So I had to call the waiter to wipe it off.

spaghetti on the menu

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I never apologize.

I’m sorry,

but that’s just the way I am.

sorry

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My therapist isn’t being very supportive

because she thinks I’m never going to be able

to stop exposing myself to women.

Well I’ll show her.

Flasher

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My boss asked me to find him a bulldog clip today.

So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? Newspaper Headlines Nightmares, Part Six!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today part six of the newspaper headline series.

I’m sure you already have your favorites but there’s more to come.

These mistakes are a lot more commonplace that you might at first think.

If they get enough exposure then maybe in future the people who write these headlines will take a bit more care over their work, but I doubt it.

And all the better for us!

Here we go again.

Enjoy.

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np_Tennesseeaglowovernuclearjobs

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np_thebrahasapairofmilestones

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np_theftoccuredbetweenJanuaryandSunday

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np_tightend

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np_topmiddleandbottomhalf

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np_topsecretmissiontolaunchTuesday

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np_totallunareclipse

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np_TurkeysmanurepassthroughSenate

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np_useclothingtokeepwarmer

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np_veteransofthecivilwar

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np_volunteerism

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np_warmerandcoolerweather

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np_warmerweatherwillmakesnowdisappear

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np_wehatemath

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Welcome To A Bumper Seasonal Edition Of Puns For The Holidays

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This week I have a bumper seasonal selection of word plays or puns that are all about or related to the Christmas Holiday Season. Some of them will sleigh you!

They aren’t any better or worse than normal, just themed.

And please don’t say they themed better last week!!!

Enjoy.

Doing puns is my stocking trade at this time of year…

christmas-stocking

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

low elf esteem

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

tinselitis

What did the salt say to the pepper at Christmas?

Season’s Greetings.

santa salt pepper shakers

What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?

“Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way.”

jungle bells

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because he had the drum sticks.

turkey drumsticks

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

bald man comb over

A man walks into a diner desiring breakfast.

The waitress seats him and he asks what the specials are.

She tells him the Christmas special is Eggs Benedict.

He orders the special.

A little later, the waitress comes out with the Eggs Benedict, served on hubcaps.

Surprised, he asks why the hubcaps instead of regular plates?

Her response?

“There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

Dave's diner

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missle toe!

Missle-Toe cartoon!

What is Santa’s primary language?

North Polish.

polish santa claus

Is Christmas the one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!

Cartoon kids Christmas gifts

What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple.

cartoon pineapple

Why does Santa like to go down chimneys?

Because it soots him!

sooty Santa

Won’t all that soot make him sick? No. He’s had his flue shot.

cartoon doctor

What famous playwright was intimidated by Christmas?

Noel Coward

Noel Coward cartoon

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

fleece navidad

“Wouldn’t just gold and frankincense do?” the third wise man demurred.

cartoon-of-the-three-wise-men-with-gold-frankincense-and-myrrh

Why do you have to make sure the fire is out for Santa Claus coming down the chimney?

Coz if you didn’t you’d end up with a Crisp Cringle?

santa fire in chimney cartoon

What is a computer nerd’s favorite hymn?

Oh, .com all ye faithful!

computer_nerd

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?

Because he was stuffed.

Stuffed_Turkey

Once there was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.

One day as he was standing in his house with his wife he looked out the window and saw something happening.

He says to his wife, “Look honey. It’s raining.” 

She, being the obstinate type, responded, ”I don’t think so, dear. I think it’s snowing.” 

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, ”Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” 

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and says, ”I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

Russian Tsar

If you don’t believe in Xmas parties do you still remain eggnogstic?

tumbler-of-egg-nog

When the innkeeper’s assistant told Joseph there was no room at the Inn, he said “I’d like to see the manger.”

Joseph at the Inn

I was fed up by the time I got to my last present so I wrapped it up.

wrapping present

Are people who are afraid of Santa Claus-trophobic?

scared-of-santa

Oh, like I hadn’t heard that old chestnut before.

roasting chestnuts

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER

Scrooge loves all the male reindeer, because every buck is dear to him.

mister scrooge magoo

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

joke-subordinate-clause-santas-helpers

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

santa-claus-flying-his-sleigh

Then there was the golfer who played on Christmas and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par 3.

cartoon-santa-playing-golf

The garden center got all spruced up to sell Christmas trees.

Christmas trees

This is not fir I can’t think of any more.

cartoon_christmas_tree

What is there left to say except have a Happy Holly Day.

Holly crown with red bow

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