Welcome To A Bumper Seasonal Edition Of Puns For The Holidays

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This week I have a bumper seasonal selection of word plays or puns that are all about or related to the Christmas Holiday Season. Some of them will sleigh you!

They aren’t any better or worse than normal, just themed.

And please don’t say they themed better last week!!!

Enjoy.

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Doing puns is my stocking trade at this time of year…

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Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

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What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

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What did the salt say to the pepper at Christmas?

Season’s Greetings.

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What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?

“Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way.”

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Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because he had the drum sticks.

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What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

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A man walks into a diner desiring breakfast.

The waitress seats him and he asks what the specials are.

She tells him the Christmas special is Eggs Benedict.

He orders the special.

A little later, the waitress comes out with the Eggs Benedict, served on hubcaps.

Surprised, he asks why the hubcaps instead of regular plates?

Her response?

“There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

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If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missle toe!

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What is Santa’s primary language?

North Polish.

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Is Christmas the one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!

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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple.

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Why does Santa like to go down chimneys?

Because it soots him!

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Won’t all that soot make him sick? No. He’s had his flue shot.

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What famous playwright was intimidated by Christmas?

Noel Coward

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How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

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“Wouldn’t just gold and frankincense do?” the third wise man demurred.

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Why do you have to make sure the fire is out for Santa Claus coming down the chimney?

Coz if you didn’t you’d end up with a Crisp Cringle?

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What is a computer nerd’s favorite hymn?

Oh, .com all ye faithful!

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Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?

Because he was stuffed.

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Once there was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.

One day as he was standing in his house with his wife he looked out the window and saw something happening.

He says to his wife, “Look honey. It’s raining.” 

She, being the obstinate type, responded, ”I don’t think so, dear. I think it’s snowing.” 

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, ”Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” 

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and says, ”I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

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If you don’t believe in Xmas parties do you still remain eggnogstic?

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When the innkeeper’s assistant told Joseph there was no room at the Inn, he said “I’d like to see the manger.”

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I was fed up by the time I got to my last present so I wrapped it up.

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Are people who are afraid of Santa Claus-trophobic?

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Oh, like I hadn’t heard that old chestnut before.

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“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

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Scrooge loves all the male reindeer, because every buck is dear to him.

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What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

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Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

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Then there was the golfer who played on Christmas and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par 3.

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The garden center got all spruced up to sell Christmas trees.

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This is not fir I can’t think of any more.

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What is there left to say except have a Happy Holly Day.

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Significant Number Factoid Friday – Today Number One Hundred 100

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today the number is 100, very popular, much used by almost everyone.  Here are some things about 100 that you may know and some you probably don’t.

Enjoy.

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100 One Hundred

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In Religion

• Shem was an hundred years old when he became a father (Genesis 11:10);
• Abraham was also one hundred years of age when his son Isaac was born (Gen. 21:5);
• Obadiah saved one hundred prophets by hiding them in a cave and feeding them. (I Kings 18.4);
• Jesus’ parable of the 100th lost sheep (Matthew 18.12);
• Nicodemus brought one hundred pounds of myrrh & aloes to embalm Jesus after his crucifixion (John 19.39);
• Paul’s 14 Epistles in the New Testament total one hundred chapters;
• There are 100 blasts of the Shofar heard in the service of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year;
• A religious Jew is expected to utter at least one hundred blessings daily.

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In politics

• The United States Senate has 100 Senators, two from each of the 50 States;
• “The First Hundred Days” is an arbitrary benchmark of a President of the United States’ performance at the beginning of his or her term.

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In mathematics

• A Centillion 10303 has 100 groups of three zeros after 1000;
• A Googol is the figure 1 followed by 100 zeroes, written 10100. It was invented by Milton Sirotta, the 9-year nephew of mathematician Edward Kasner;
• A 10×10 Magic Square has 100 squares with numbers 1-100, each row, column & diagonal adding to 505 with the total sum being 5050;
• There are exactly 100 prime numbers whose digits are in strictly ascending order. (e.g. 239, 2357 etc.);
• Pythagoreans considered 100 as divinely divine because it is the square (10 x 10) of the divine decad;
• The standard SI prefix for a hundred is “hecto-“;
• 100 is the basis of percentages (per cent meaning “per hundred” in Latin), with 100% being a full amount and representing wholeness, purity, or perfection.

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In science

• One hundred is the Atomic Number of Fermium, a radioactive rare earth metal;
• One hundred is the molecular weight of Calcium Carbonate;
• The boiling point of water is 100 degrees Celsius.

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In space

• Messier 100 is a perfect example of a grand design spiral galaxy, a type of galaxy with prominent and very well-defined spiral arms.
• These dusty structures swirl around the galaxy’s nucleus, and are marked by a flurry of star formation activity that dots Messier 100 with bright blue, high-mass stars.
• This image from the NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope

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In Finance

• Most of the world’s currencies are divided into 100 sub-units; for example, one dollar or one euro is made up of one hundred cents, and one pound sterling is one hundred pence;
• The U.S. hundred-dollar bill (the largest US bill in print) has Benjamin Franklin’s portrait;

• American savings bonds of $100 have Thomas Jefferson’s portrait;
• American $100 treasury bonds have Andrew Jackson’s portrait;
• The FTSE 100, NASDAQ 100, etc., are financial tables of the top companies on the various stock exchanges.

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In sport

• 100 is the number of yards in an American football field (not including the end zones);
• 100 is the minimum distance in yards for a Par 3 on a golf course;
• The 100 meters sprint is the race that brings with it the title of the fastest man in the world. Current holder is Jamaican superstar Usain Bolt;

• 100 points scored by Wilt Chamberlain is the record number of points scored in one NBA game by a single player in basketball game, achieved when Philadelphia Warrior defeated New York Knicks 169-147 on March 2, 1962 in Hershey, Pennsylvania. The 316 points by both teams surpassed the record of 312 when Boston defeated Minneapolis 173-139 on Feb. 27, 1959 in Boston.

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In militaria

• The Hundred Years’ War (1337-1453) between France & England lasted 116 years.

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• Ultimax 100
• The Ultimax 100 is a squad automatic weapon / light machine gun. It was created by the small arms design team at Chartered Industries of Singapore (CIS; now Singapore Technologies Kinetics) Inc, that included American small arms designer James Sullivan, who previously worked for Armalite and participated in design of the AR-18 assault rifle. In 1982 it was adopted by the Singaporean army. The current production version is Ultimax 100 Mark 3.

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• Type 100 Submachine Gun
• Designed and built by the Nambu Arms Manufacturing Company in Japan, the Type 100 Submachine gun was used during World War II, and the only submachine gun produced by Japan in any quantity. It was modeled on the famous Bergmann MP18 submachine gun.  First samples were delivered to the Imperial Army in 1942 and in total some 30,000 were manufactured.

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• F-100
• The North American F-100 Super Sabre was a supersonic jet fighter aircraft that served with the United States Air Force (USAF) from 1954 to 1971 and with the Air National Guard (ANG) until 1979.
• The first of the Century Series collection of USAF jet fighters, it was the first USAF fighter capable of supersonic speed in level flight.
• The F-100 was originally designed by North American Aviation as a higher performance follow-on to the F-86 Sabre air superiority fighter.
• Adapted as a fighter bomber, the F-100 would be supplanted by the Mach 2 class F-105 Thunderchief for strike missions over North Vietnam. The F-100 flew extensively over South Vietnam as the Air Force’s primary close air support jet until replaced by the more efficient subsonic LTV A-7 Corsair II.
• The F-100 also served in other NATO air forces and with other U.S. allies. In its later life, it was often referred to as “the Hun,” a shortened version of “one hundred.
• This aircraft is now on display at the National Museum of the U.S. Air Force

 

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• JF-100
• NASA’s JF-100 Variable Stability Aircraft is a research aircraft about which very little information is readily available. Only scattered references of it remain in bits of documents and reports.
• The JF-100 was built from an Air Force F-100C by NASA’s Ames Research Center, and transferred to NASA’s Dryden Flight Research Center in 1960. The “J” designation refers to it being modified for special test missions, but not so extensively that it could not be returned to being a standard F-100. The aircraft obviously was acquired from the Air Force and carried the registration number 53-1709, but no information about its earlier career was available.
• The JF-100 was removed from service as a variable stability aircraft at NASA Dryden in 1964, but its final disposition could not be determined. The information is most likely buried in various reports somewhere, waiting to be rediscovered by a future researcher.

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• F100 class frigates
• The Álvaro de Bazán class (also known as the F100 class of frigates) are a new class of Aegis combat system-equipped air defence frigates entering service with the Spanish Navy. They are being built in the Spanish factory of Navantia in Ferrol and are named after Admiral Álvaro de Bazán.
• The ships are fitted with American Aegis weapons technology allowing them to track hundreds of airborne targets simultaneously as part of its air defence network. The F100 Alvaro de Bazan class multi-role frigate is one of the few non-US warships to carry the Aegis Combat System and its associated AN/SPY-1 radar. Japan’s Kongo class, South Korea’s King Sejong the Great class, the F100-derived Norwegian Fridtjof Nansen class of frigates also use the Aegis system. Lockheed Martin, Navantia and the U.S. Navy are conducting final systems integration.

Spanish Navy F 100 Class Frigate, Almirante Juan de Borbon

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• SU-100
• Designed on the chasis of the T-34-85 tank, the tank hunter SU-100 was produced until March 1946 with a total number of 3037 units made.
• It was one of the most effective anti-tank units up to 1948. In 1960, the SU-100 was upgraded with the installation of a new enhanced B2-34M engine, fuel pump NK-10, air cleaners VTI-3, commander observation equipment TPKU-2B and driver’s night sight BVN, as well as radio sets 10RT-26E and TPU-47.
• The SU-100 was produced in Czechoslovakia and was in the inventory of several African and Middle East countries. The Arabs actively used it in military conflicts with Israel.

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• Other stuff
• Cities located at 100 degree longitude: Penang, Malaysia; Bangkok, Thailand; Monterrey, Mexico;
• Hecatonchires were giants with 100 arms and 50 heads each. They were born of Gaia & Uranus, and were stronger than even the Cyclopes. Their names were Cottus, Briareus, and Gyges;
• Gene McDaniels’ song A Hundred Pounds of Clay had highest hit #3 in 1961 Pop Charts;
• Joseph Haydn’s Symphony #100 in G Major is called “Military” (composed 1793-94);
• Room 100 is a 4-member male melodic rock band formed in 1982;
• Gathering of the 100 Gods occurs on the 19th day of the first lunar month;
• The first Chinese dictionary was written in 100 A.D.;
• The 100th day of the year (non-leap year) is April 10;
• On April 10, 1912, the Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, and hit the iceberg on 4-15-1912;
• The Century Plant is a Mexican agave (Agave americana) that blooms only once every “100 years” (folklore). In reality, it takes 10 years to bloom in warm regions and up to 60 years in colder climates;
• Centipedes are insects with “100 legs”;
• A Centenarian is someone over 100 years old. The number of Centenarians in the US  increased from 37,306 (1990) to 50,454 (2000) according to the U.S. Census;  the 180,000 centenarians worldwide (2000) is projected to reach 3.2 million by 2050;
• Polish Draughts is a 100-square board game played with 40 pieces. It is similar to the 64-square board game of Checkers;
• Roman numeral for 100 is C; 
• Centennial is a 100th anniversary or its celebration;
• A Century is a period of 100 years;
• When a TV series reaches 100 episodes, it is generally considered viable for syndication; 
• There are100 tiles in a standard Scrabble set;
• In Greece, India, Israel and Nepal, 100 is the police telephone number;
• In Belgium, 100 is the ambulance and firefighter telephone number;
• In United Kingdom, 100 is the operator telephone number;
• There are 100 pounds in an American short hundredweight.

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