It’s The Day You All Look Forward To – Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, maybe not ‘all’ of you. But some people like them.

Here are a few more.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just learned the other day that a violin

is comprised of seventy separate pieces of wood.

It must be a fiddly job putting it all together!

violin maker

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I named my car flattery.

It gets me nowhere.

broken down car

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I got depressed when I lost my job at the Apple factory.

“Have you been taking any tablets?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah. Why do you think I got fired?”

Apple itablet

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I’ve started a band called ‘Nostalgia’.

If we don’t make it, at least people will remember us fondly.

Obracken-NostalgiaGoodTimesGoodTimes569

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My wife planted some seeds in the garden a while back

and just recently they’ve pushed through the soil.

She said to me today, “What do you think they are?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.  

“But they’ve definitely grown hyacinth we last looked at them.”

hyacinth

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I hopped on a bus today.

After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

Hopping-off-the-Bus

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Just had to close my new restaurant down.

It was called “Mexican Tortilla”.

I just kept getting calls from language students…

Mexican Tortilla

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As I sat cleaning my rifle, my wife nagged,

“I think you love that gun more than me.”

“Are you even listening to me?” she asked.

“Yes, deer,” I replied.

man-cleaning-inside-the-barrel-of-his-unloaded-rifle-gun-clipart-by-dennis-cox-at-wackystock

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I’ll never forget my first love.

She took me outside and showed me the garden.

She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden.

Full of water.

“Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

wishing well

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I started a business selling life support machines

but I’m on the verge of going bust.

Ironically, I’ve got to pull the plug.

life support machines

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A psychic told me how to get more friends on Facebook,

and it worked!

What a great social medium.

Cartoon-Fortune-Teller

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I tried to do a computer course

but I couldn’t hack it

computer course

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Just got back from the ‘Free Pussy Riot’ march.

Not what I was expecting,

apparently they’re some Russian band.

'Free Pussy Riot'

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Contrary to popular belief Owls are not wise,

they’re stupid and illiterate.

It’s “Tu Whit Tu WHOM!”

cartoon-owl

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“It’s nice to be served by somebody English for a change,”

I said to the waitress in a café.

“These days most of you are foreign and don’t understand a word I say. For instance…”

“For instance, what?” said the waitress, after a long pause.

“Four instant coffees, please.”

cartoon-of-aggressive-waitress

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Welcome To A Bumper Seasonal Edition Of Puns For The Holidays

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This week I have a bumper seasonal selection of word plays or puns that are all about or related to the Christmas Holiday Season. Some of them will sleigh you!

They aren’t any better or worse than normal, just themed.

And please don’t say they themed better last week!!!

Enjoy.

Doing puns is my stocking trade at this time of year…

christmas-stocking

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

low elf esteem

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

tinselitis

What did the salt say to the pepper at Christmas?

Season’s Greetings.

santa salt pepper shakers

What do monkeys sing at Christmas time?

“Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way.”

jungle bells

Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

Because he had the drum sticks.

turkey drumsticks

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

bald man comb over

A man walks into a diner desiring breakfast.

The waitress seats him and he asks what the specials are.

She tells him the Christmas special is Eggs Benedict.

He orders the special.

A little later, the waitress comes out with the Eggs Benedict, served on hubcaps.

Surprised, he asks why the hubcaps instead of regular plates?

Her response?

“There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

Dave's diner

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missle toe!

Missle-Toe cartoon!

What is Santa’s primary language?

North Polish.

polish santa claus

Is Christmas the one day of the year we can all say our children are truly gifted!

Cartoon kids Christmas gifts

What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?

A pineapple.

cartoon pineapple

Why does Santa like to go down chimneys?

Because it soots him!

sooty Santa

Won’t all that soot make him sick? No. He’s had his flue shot.

cartoon doctor

What famous playwright was intimidated by Christmas?

Noel Coward

Noel Coward cartoon

How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

fleece navidad

“Wouldn’t just gold and frankincense do?” the third wise man demurred.

cartoon-of-the-three-wise-men-with-gold-frankincense-and-myrrh

Why do you have to make sure the fire is out for Santa Claus coming down the chimney?

Coz if you didn’t you’d end up with a Crisp Cringle?

santa fire in chimney cartoon

What is a computer nerd’s favorite hymn?

Oh, .com all ye faithful!

computer_nerd

Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?

Because he was stuffed.

Stuffed_Turkey

Once there was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great.

One day as he was standing in his house with his wife he looked out the window and saw something happening.

He says to his wife, “Look honey. It’s raining.” 

She, being the obstinate type, responded, ”I don’t think so, dear. I think it’s snowing.” 

But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, ”Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” 

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain.

So Rudolph turns to his wife and says, ”I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

Russian Tsar

If you don’t believe in Xmas parties do you still remain eggnogstic?

tumbler-of-egg-nog

When the innkeeper’s assistant told Joseph there was no room at the Inn, he said “I’d like to see the manger.”

Joseph at the Inn

I was fed up by the time I got to my last present so I wrapped it up.

wrapping present

Are people who are afraid of Santa Claus-trophobic?

scared-of-santa

Oh, like I hadn’t heard that old chestnut before.

roasting chestnuts

“Why don’t we ever hear about ‘Olive,’ the 10th reindeer?” asked Bert.

“What 10th Reindeer?” asked Scott.

“You know. Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.”

OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER

Scrooge loves all the male reindeer, because every buck is dear to him.

mister scrooge magoo

What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

joke-subordinate-clause-santas-helpers

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

santa-claus-flying-his-sleigh

Then there was the golfer who played on Christmas and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par 3.

cartoon-santa-playing-golf

The garden center got all spruced up to sell Christmas trees.

Christmas trees

This is not fir I can’t think of any more.

cartoon_christmas_tree

What is there left to say except have a Happy Holly Day.

Holly crown with red bow

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Two!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time today for another selection of those classified ads we all love to read. Pick your favorite or just enjoy them all. No doubt a lot of hard work was put into getting them so perfect for publication, which just goes to show that it takes a little bfain power as well as effort to get the desired result.

Enjoy!

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classified ad 00

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classified ad 01

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classified ad 02

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classified ad 03

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classified ad 04

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classified ad 05

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classified ad 06

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classified ad 07

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classified ad 08

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classified ad 09

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classified ad 10

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classified ad 11

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classified ad 12

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classified ad 12a

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.classified ad 16

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classified ad 17

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classified ad 18

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classified ad 15

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‘A Sad Ray Gun, Man’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

‘A Sad Ray Gun, Man’

Did you get it?

Yes. its ‘Anagram Sunday’.

Enjoy.

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‘rescued’

secured

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘mother-in-law’

woman hitler

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘David Letterman’

nerd amid late tv

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘snooze alarms’

alas no more z’s

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘To cast pearls before swine’

One’s labor is perfect waste

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Vacation Times’

I’m Not as Active

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘The Hilton’

Hint: Hotel

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Payment received’

Every cent paid me

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Postmaster’

Stamp Store

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘School master’

The classroom

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘The Hurricanes’

These churn air

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Waitress’

A stew, Sir?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘certainly not’

can’t rely on it

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Emperor Octavian’

Captain over Rome

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘a perfectionist’

I often practice

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘A shoplifter’

has to pilfer

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘asteroid threats’

disaster to earth

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Breasts’

Bra sets

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘Contradiction’

Accord not in it

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

‘I think therefore I am’

I fear to think I’m here

 

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