The Fourth law of Thermodynamics

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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After yesterday’s rant I though it was time for something a little less intense today. So in this post I am going to talk a bit about the Fourth Law Of Thermodynamics.

Say what??? Don’t worry, if you have read any of my previous posts you will already be familiar with this Law as I have highlighted many examples.

The Fourth Law Of Thermodynamics is a derivative of Murphy’s Law, and can be defined as follows:

“If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong, especially under pressure.”

 

The original Murphy’s Law actually reads:

“If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it that way.”

 

Although it sounds Irish, Murphy’s law seems to have originated with a Captain Edward A. Murphy, who was an American engineer at Muroc, California (later named Edwards Air Force Base).  In 1949 he was working on a rocket sled project to test the tolerances of the human body to acceleration and sudden braking.  The machinery kept failing mainly due to human error. For example in one experiment that involved a set of sixteen accelerometers mounted on different parts of a subject’s body. There were only two ways the sensors could be mounted and Murphy found that someone had methodically glued all sixteen in place the wrong way. Exasperated by the stupid technician, Murphy said, ‘If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll  find it.’

Air Force Flight Surgeon, John Paul Stapp, picked up on Murphy’s phrase and used at a press conference. After that it was adopted first by others within the aerospace industry, but gradually became a popular everyday saying.

 

As with any good idea, Murphy’s Law evolved to fit various scenarios.

 

For example, the 1st Amendment states that,

“If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.”

 

The 2nd Amendment,

“If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.”

 

The 3rd Amendment,

“When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.”

 

And the 4th Amendment,

“The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.”

 

Despite whatever else you may think it is quite remarkable just how often one variant or the other of Murphy’s Law holds up, especially when you add an idiot or two to the mix.

 

Finally there are what have been called the “Lesser Known Murphy’s Laws” which include things like,

 

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

 

“He who laughs last, thinks slowest.”

 

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”

 

“Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.”

 

“Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.”

 

“The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.”

 

“If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.”

 

“If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.”

 

“The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.”

 

“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.”

 

“Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.”

 

“The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.”

 

“A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.”

 

 

The Longest Post Ever! But It’s Not My Fault, Blame The Idiocrats.

 

*** rant warning *** so brace yourselves.

The subtitle of this blog is “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”.

Now it’s all well and good saying that, I repeat it at the beginning of almost all of my posts. But what gets lost at times is just how important a phrase this has become.

We are now in the process in countries like the United States and UK of letting once great nations to be destroyed for no other reason than we have allowed the morons in our society to take over. The people who should be told what to do are now in positions where they are dictating to us.

Their solution to everything is to spend more than they have – arithmetic is not their strong suit – on things we don’t need. Then when they find themselves in catastrophic debt they set about fleecing the small businessman and hard-working individual for more money.

They create completely unnecessary and deliberately complex tax rules and regulations, the number of pages in the US tax code, for example, has increased by over 16,775 percent during the past 100 years! This in turn leads to Americans wasting an incredible 7.6 billion hours each year doing their taxes and having to hire over one million accountants to help them – all at a cost of almost $30 billion (that’s Billion with a ‘B’).

The big banks, run by greedy and extraordinarily stupid people (the best we have Obama says!) who have lost hundreds of billion of dollars and plunged the whole country into financial turmoil, are too big to fail. But ordinary individuals and small business owners are allowed to go bust every month and those that survive are harassed and investigated for the least mistake so that maybe another $1000 can be wrung out of them. On the other hand, multinational corporations get away with almost everything for no other reason than they have the money to employ the best accountants and lawyers who are more than a match for their IRS counterparts.

In 2008 for example, GE made $10.3 billion in pre-tax income, but didn’t have to pay a single cent in taxes. In 2009 Bank of America paid no taxes, even though it made $4.4 billion income. Also in 2009 Molson Coors not only paid no taxes, but was actually paid $14.7 million by the government. There are lots of other examples.

The loopholes and mechanisms these large corporations used are not important here, what we need to focus on is that there is something inherently wrong with the system that allows such inequalities. The solution is easy; simplify the system, level the playing field; give the little guy the same chance as the large corporation. It won’t happen, of course.

But that’s only half the problem. The other half is what the stupid bureaucrats do with the money.

The State of California is a good example. As well as all the federal taxes, California extracts a host of state taxes, including significant property taxes, from its citizens. And, despite the best efforts of the Terminator, California is still bust!

Why? Because most of the money it collects, and a lot more that it doesn’t have, is used to prop up the system of little empires the self-important idiocrats have created and are still creating regardless of the obvious financial woes.

The scale of the problem is horrendous, far worse than most people imagine. I don’t expect anyone to read the list below, but even scrolling through it should at the very least make you shake your head in amazement.

And this is just California!

*** End rant! ***

Feast your eyes on the work of the idiocracy….

State of California Bureaucracy:

California Academic Performance Index (API)

California Access for Infants and Mothers

California Acupuncture Board

California Administrative Office of the Courts

California Adoptions Branch

California African American Museum

California Agricultural Export Program

California Agricultural Labor Relations Board

California Agricultural Statistics Service

California Air Resources Board (CARB)

California Allocation Board

California Alternative Energy and Advanced Transportation Financing Authority

California Animal Health and Food Safety Services

California Anti-Terrorism Information Center

California Apprenticeship Council

California Arbitration Certification Program

California Architects Board

California Area VI Developmental Disabilities Board

California Arts Council

California Asian Pacific Islander Legislative Caucus

California Assembly Democratic Caucus

California Assembly Republican Caucus

California Athletic Commission

California Attorney General

California Bay Conservation and Development Commission

California Bay-Delta Authority

California Bay-Delta Office

California Biodiversity Council

California Board for Geologists and Geophysicists

California Board for Professional Engineers and Land Surveyors

California Board of Accountancy

California Board of Barbering and Cosmetology

California Board of Behavioral Sciences

California Board of Chiropractic Examiners

California Board of Equalization (BOE)

California Board of Forestry and Fire Protection

California Board of Guide Dogs for the Blind

California Board of Occupational Therapy

California Board of Optometry

California Board of Pharmacy

California Board of Podiatric Medicine

California Board of Prison Terms

California Board of Psychology

California Board of Registered Nursing

California Board of Trustees

California Board of Vocational Nursing and Psychiatric Technicians

California Braille and Talking Book Library

California Building Standards Commission

California Bureau for Private Postsecondary and Vocational Education

California Bureau of Automotive Repair

California Bureau of Electronic and Appliance Repair

California Bureau of Home Furnishings and Thermal Insulation

California Bureau of Naturopathic Medicine

California Bureau of Security and Investigative Services

California Bureau of State Audits

California Business Agency

California Business Investment Services (CalBIS)

California Business Permit Information (CalGOLD)

California Business Portal

California Business, Transportation and Housing Agency

California Cal Grants

California CalJOBS

California Cal-Learn Program

California CalVet Home Loan Program

California Career Resource Network

California Cemetery and Funeral Bureau

California Center for Analytical Chemistry

California Center for Distributed Learning

California Center for Teaching Careers (Teach California)

California Chancellors Office

California Charter Schools

California Children and Families Commission

California Children and Family Services Division

California Citizens Compensation Commission

California Civil Rights Bureau

California Coastal Commission

California Coastal Conservancy

California Code of Regulations

California Collaborative Projects with UC Davis

California Commission for Jobs and Economic Growth

California Commission on Aging

California Commission on Health and Safety and Workers Compensation

California Commission on Judicial Performance

California Commission on State Mandates

California Commission on Status of Women

California Commission on Teacher Credentialing

California Commission on the Status of Women

California Committee on Dental Auxiliaries

California Community Colleges Chancellors Office, Junior Colleges

California Community Colleges Chancellors Office

California Complaint Mediation Program

California Conservation Corps

California Constitution Revision Commission

California Consumer Hotline

California Consumer Information Center

California Consumer Information

California Consumer Services Division

California Consumers and Families Agency

California Contractors State License Board

California Corrections Standards Authority

California Council for the Humanities

California Council on Criminal Justice

California Council on Developmental Disabilities

California Court Reporters Board

California Courts of Appeal

California Crime and Violence Prevention Center

California Criminal Justice Statistics Center

California Criminalist Institute Forensic Library

California CSGnet Network Management

California Cultural and Historical Endowment

California Cultural Resources Division

California Curriculum and Instructional Leadership Branch

California Data Exchange Center

California Data Management Division

California Debt and Investment Advisory Commission

California Delta Protection Commission

California Democratic Caucus

California Demographic Research Unit

California Dental Auxiliaries

California Department of Aging

California Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs

California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control Appeals Board

California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control

California Department of Boating and Waterways (Cal Boating)

California Department of Child Support Services (CDCSS)

California Department of Community Services and Development

California Department of Conservation

California Department of Consumer Affairs

California Department of Corporations

California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation

California Department of Developmental Services

California Department of Education

California Department of Fair Employment and Housing

California Department of Finance

California Department of Financial Institutions

California Department of Fish and Game

California Department of Food and Agriculture

California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection (CDF)

California Department of General Services

California Department of General Services, Office of State Publishing

California Department of Health Care Services

California Department of Housing and Community Development

Californ ia Department of Industrial Relations (DIR)

California Department of Insurance

California Department of Justice Firearms Division

California Department of Justice Opinion Unit

California Department of Justice, Consumer Information, Public Inquiry Unit

California Department of Justice

California Department of Managed Health Care

California Department of Mental Health

California Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)

California Department of Personnel Administration

California Department of Pesticide Regulation

California Department of Public Health

California Department of Real Estate

California Department of Rehabilitation

California Department of Social Services Adoptions Branch

California Department of Social Services

California Department of Technology Services Training Center (DTSTC)

California Department of Technology Services (DTS)

California Department of Toxic Substances Control

California Department of Transportation (Caltrans)

California Department of Veterans Affairs (CalVets)

California Department of Water Resources

California Departmento de Vehiculos Motorizados

California Digital Library

California Disabled Veteran Business Enterprise Certification Program

California Division of Apprenticeship Standards

California Division of Codes and Standards

California Division of Communicable Disease Control

California Division of Engineering

California Division of Environmental and Occupational Disease Control

California Division of Gambling Control

California Division of Housing Policy Development

California Division of Labor Standards Enforcement

California Division of Labor Statistics and Research

California Division of Land and Right of Way

California Division of Land Resource Protection

California Division of Law Enforcement General Library

California Division of Measurement Standards

California Division of Mines and Geology

California Division of Occupational Safety and Health (Cal/OSHA)

California Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources

California Division of Planning and Local Assistance

California Division of Recycling

California Division of Safety of Dams

California Division of the State Architect

California Division of Tourism

California Division of Workers Compensation Medical Unit

California Division of Workers Compensation

California Economic Assistance, Business and Community Resources

California Economic Strategy Panel

California Education and Training Agency

California Education Audit Appeals Panel

California Educational Facilities Authority

California Elections Division

California Electricity Oversight Board

California Emergency Management Agency

California Emergency Medical Services Authority

California Employment Development Department (EDD)

California Employment Information State Jobs

California Employment Training Panel

California Energy Commission

California Environment and Natural Resources Agency

California Environmental Protection Agency (Cal/EPA)

California Environmental Resources Evaluation System (CERES)

California Executive Office

California Export Laboratory Services

California Exposition and State Fair (Cal Expo)

California Fair Political Practices Commission

California Fairs and Expositions Division

California Film Commission

California Fire and Resource Assessment Program

California Firearms Division

California Fiscal Services

California Fish and Game Commission

California Fisheries Program Branch

California Floodplain Management

California Foster Youth Help

California Franchise Tax Board (FTB)

California Fraud Division

California Gambling Control Commission

California Geographic I nformation Systems Council (GIS)

California Geological Survey

California Government Claims and Victim Compensation Board

California Governors Committee for Employment of Disabled Persons

California Governors Mentoring Partnership

California Governors Office of Emergency Services

California Governors Office of Homeland Security

California Governors Office of Planning and Research

California Governors Office

California Grant and Enterprise Zone Programs HCD Loan

California Health and Human Services Agency

California Health and Safety Agency

California Healthy Families Program

California Hearing Aid Dispensers Bureau

California High-Speed Rail Authority

California Highway Patrol (CHP)

California History and Culture Agency

California Horse Racing Board

California Housing Finance Agency

California Indoor Air Quality Program

California Industrial Development Financing Advisory Commission

California Industrial Welfare Commission

California InFoPeople

California Information Center for the Environment

California Infrastructure and Economic Development Bank (I-Bank)

California Inspection Services

California Institute for County Government

California Institute for Education Reform

California Integrated Waste Management Board

California Interagency Ecological Program

California Job Service

California Junta Estatal de Personal

California Labor and Employment Agency

California Labor and Workforce Development Agency

California Labor Market Information Division

California Land Use Planning Information Network (LUPIN)

California Lands Commission

California Landscape Architects Technical Committee

California Latino Legislative Caucus

California Law Enforcement Branch

California Law Enforcement General Library

California Law Revision Commission

California Legislative Analyst’s Office

California Legislative Black Caucus

California Legislative Counsel

California Legislative Division

California Legislative Information

California Legislative Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Caucus

California Legislature Internet Caucus

California Library De velopment Services

California License and Revenue Branch

California Major Risk Medical Insurance Program

California Managed Risk Medical Insurance Board

California Maritime Academy

California Marketing Services

California Measurement Standards

California Medical Assistance Commission

California Medical Care Services

California Military Department

California Mining and Geology Board

California Museum for History, Women, and the Arts

California Museum Resource Center

California National Guard

California Native American Heritage Commission

California Natural Community Conservation Planning Program

California New Motor Vehicle Board

California Nursing Home Administrator Program

California Occupational Safety and Health Appeals Board

California Occupational Safety and Health Standards Board

California Ocean Resources Management Program

California Office of Administrative Hearings

California Office of Administrative Law

California Office of AIDS

California Office of Binational Border Health

California Office of Child Abuse Prevention

California Office of Deaf Access

California Office of Emergency Services (OES)

California Office of Environmental Health Hazard Assessment

California Office of Fiscal Services

California Office of Fleet Administration

California Office of Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) Implementation (CalOHI)

California Office of Historic Preservation

California Office of Homeland Security

California Office of Human Resources

California Office of Legal Services

California Office of Legislation

California Office of Lieutenant Governor

California Office of Military and Aerospace Support

California Office of Mine Reclamation

California Office of Natural Resource Education

California Office of Privacy Protection

California Office of Public School Construction

California Office of Real Estate Appraisers

California Office of Risk and Insurance Management

California Office of Services to the Blind

California Office of Spill Prevention and Response

California Office of State Publishing (OSP)

California Office of Statewide Health Planning and Development

California Office of Systems Integration

California Office of the Inspector General

California Office of the Ombudsman

California Office of the Patient Advocate

California Office of the President

California Office of the Secretary for Education

California Office of the State Fire Marshal

California Office of the State Public Defender

California Office of Traffic Safety

California Office of Vital Records

California Online Directory

California Operations Control Office

California Opinion Unit

California Outreach and Technical Assistance Network (OTAN)

California Park and Recreation Commission

California Peace Officer Standards and Training (POST)

California Performance Review (CPR)

California Permit Information for Business (CalGOLD)

California Physical Therapy Board

California Physician Assistant Committee

California Plant Health and Pest Prevention Services

California Policy and Evaluation Division

California Political Reform Division

California Pollution Control Financing Authority

California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo

California Postsecondary Education Commission

California Prevention Services

California Primary Care and Family Health

California Prison Industry Authority

California Procurement Division

California Public Employees Retirement System (CalPERS)

California Public Employment Relations Board (PERB)

California Public Utilities Commission (PUC)

California Real Estate Services Division

California Refugee Programs Branch

California Regional Water Quality Control Boards

California Registered Veterinary Technician Committee

California Registrar of Charitable Trusts

California Republican Caucus

California Research and Development Di vision

California Research Bureau

California Resources Agency

California Respiratory Care Board

California Rivers Assessment

California Rural Health Policy Council

California Safe Schools

California San Francisco Bay Conservation and Development Commission

California San Gabriel and Lower Los Angeles Rivers and Mountains Conservancy

California San Joaquin River Conservancy

California School to Career

California Science Center

California Scripps Institution of Oceanography

California Secretary of State Business Portal

California Secretary of State

California Seismic Safety Commission

California Self Insurance Plans (SIP)

California Senate Office of Research

California Small Business and Disabled Veteran Business Enterprise Certification Program

California Small Business Development Center Program

California Smart Growth Caucus

California Smog Check Information Center

California Spatial Information Library

California Special Education Division

California Speech-Language Pathology and Audiology Board

California Standardized Testing and Reporting (STAR)

California Standards and Assessment Division

California State Administrative Manual (SAM)

California State Allocation Board

California State and Consumer Services Agency

California State Architect

California State Archives

California State Assembly

California State Association of Counties (CSAC)

California State Board of Education

California State Board of Food and Agriculture

California Office of the Chief Information Officer (OCIO)

California State Children’s Trust Fun d

California State Compensation Insurance Fund

California State Contracts Register Program

California State Contracts Register

California State Controller

California State Council on Developmental Disabilities (SCDD)

California State Disability Insurance (SDI)

California State Fair (Cal Expo)

California State Jobs Employment Information

California State Lands Commission

California State Legislative Portal

California State Legislature

California State Library Catalog

California State Library Services Bureau

California State Library

California State Lottery

California State Mediation and Conciliation Service

California State Mining and Geology Board

California State Park and Recreation Commission

California State Parks

California State Personnel Board

California State Polytechnic University, Pomona

California State Railroad Museum

California State Science Fair

California State Senate

California State Summer School for Mathematics and Science (COSMOS)

California State Summer School for the Arts

California State Superintendent of Public Instruction

California State Teachers Retirement System (CalSTRS)

California State Treasurer

California State University Center for Distributed Learning

California State University, Bakersfield

California State University, Channel Islands

California State University, Chico

California State University, Dominguez Hills

California State University, East Bay

California State University, Fresno

California State University, Fullerton

California State University, Long Beach

California State University, Los Angeles

California State University, Monterey Bay

California State University, Northridge

California State University, Sacramento

California State University, San Bernardino

California State University, San Marcos

California State University, Stanislaus

California State University (CSU)

California State Water Project Analysis Office

California State Water Project

California State Water Resources Control Board

California Structural Pest Control Board

California Student Aid Commission

California Superintendent of Public Instruction

California Superior Courts

California Tahoe Conservancy

California Task Force on Culturally and Linguistically Competent Physicians and Dentists

California Tax Information Center

California Technology and Administration Branch Finance

California Telecommunications Division

California Telephone Medical Advice Services (TAMS)

California Transportation Commission

California Travel and Transportation Agency

California Unclaimed Property Program

California Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board

California Unemployment Insurance Program

California Uniform Construction Cost Accounting Commission

California Veterans Board

California Veterans Memorial

California Veterinary Medical Board and Registered Veterinary Technician Examining Committee

California Veterinary Medical Board

California Victim Compensation and Government Claims Board

California Volunteers

California Voter Registration

California Water Commission

California Water Environment Association (COWPEA)

California Water Resources Control Board

California Welfare to Work Division

California Wetlands Information System

California Wildlife and Habitat Data Analysis Branch

California Wildlife Conservation Board

California Wildlife Programs Branch

California Work Opportunity and Responsibility to Kids (CalWORKs)

California Workers Compensation Appeals Board

California Workforce and Labor Development Agency

California Workforce Investment Board

California Youth Authority (CYA)

Central Valley Flood Protection Board

Center for California Studies

Colorado River Board of California

Counting California

Dental Board of California

Health Insurance Plan of California (PacAdvantage)

Humboldt State University

Jobs with the State of California

Judicial Council of California

Learn California

Library of California

Lieutenant Governors Commission for One California

Little Hoover Commission (on California State Government Organization and Economy)

Medical Board of California

Medi-Cal

Osteopathic Medical Board of California

Physical Therapy Board of California

Regents of the University of California

San Diego State University

San Francisco State University

San Jose State University

Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy

State Bar of California

Supreme Court of California

Teach California

University of California

University of California, Berkeley

University of California, Davis

University of California, Hastings College of the Law

University of California, Irv ine

University of California, Los Angeles

University of California, Merced

University of California, Riverside

University of California, San Diego

University of California, San Francisco

University of California, Santa Barbara

University of California, Santa Cruz

Veterans Home of California

The Things People Say – To Their Insurance Companies

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Always try to start the week with a smile. This time it is with the help of another helping from those rather confused citizens who write reports to their insurance companies after an accident. They always make interesting reading and usually raise a smile or two.

 

As ever, hope you enjoy.

 

 

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 

 

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

 

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

 

 

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

 

 

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

 

 

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

 

 

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

 

 

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

 

 

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

 

 

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

 

 

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

 

 

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

 

 

The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)

 

 

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

 

 

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

 

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

 

 

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

 

 

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

 

 

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

 

 

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 

– – – – – – – – – – – –

A Short Moment Of Triumph, And Then An Idiot Walked In

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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When I was writing the post “When One Door Shuts Another One Closes” a couple of days ago it reminded me of a short time I spent on a very small island in the West Indies. I was there with a couple of colleagues to reconnoiter the area for a small development that was being planned.

We were there for four or five days (I can’t exactly remember, it was a long time ago) but I had rented a little island house for us. It was a nice place, spotlessly clean and had everything we needed. There was no air conditioning but there were huge ceiling fans so it was comfortable enough.

The only problem was that the net on the screen door into the main living room from the patio had been torn by whoever was in the house previously and not repaired, It was just a little tear on the bottom right corner where someone had accidently put their foot through it, but it was more than enough to allow the dreaded mosquitoes access any time they wanted. And they wanted access most of the time!

I reported the problem to the guy in charge and he said that he would get their maintenance people to look after it. Sounded good, and I’m sure he meant every word of it, but I had some experience of Caribbean island life and let’s just say urgency is definitely not one of the things they major in. Life on all the islands is very relaxed and easy going, and in my opinion all the better and healthier for it.

So realizing help would not be at hand during our short time in the house I had a look round the kitchen for something I could use to fix the problem myself. I finally found part of a role of duck tape and a few other bits and bobs. It took me a number of attempts, the air was so hot and humid that it was extremely difficult to get the tape to stick to the net and the door frame. But eventually I managed it.

A pretty job it was most definitely not, but I slid the door screen closed, got myself a cold beer from the refrigerator and sat back in one of the living room chairs to admire my hard work and ingenuity.

And then along came Bill and something like this happened. Some days you just can’t win!

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How To Feature On The Fasab Blog

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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To become the subject matter on a post on the Fasab blog you either have to be incredibly stupid, incredibly bad at your job, incredibly awkward or unhelpful, or do or say something so dumb it’s actually hilarious.

That’s most of the time. The other way to get a mention is to do something rather impressive or inspiring.

A number of posts have also included animals, usually interacting with people, but very few that I can think of have featured animals only. Not surprisingly therefore today’s does.

The first of these includes some really fabulous high speed video of an Eagle Owl in flight

http://www.dogwork.com/owfo8/

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The second one is the Flashdance dog

http://www.dogwork.com/maniacb/

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The third is a Monkey having some fun with a couple of Tiger cubs

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The fourth is a Crazy Dog – you’ll soon see why

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And finally a baby Panda sneezing – just watch the mother’s reaction!

Family Fortunes Faux pas, Part Deux!

‘Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Family Fortunes is a bit of a goldmine for a blog like this. Nowhere does stupidity become more apparent than when a bit of pressure is added to the mix, in these cases the time constraint of trying to answer a question as quickly as possible.

Hope this selection makes you smile this weekend.

 

 

Name a measurement of liquid:

“Paint..”

 

 

Name a famous Dick:

“Carrot..”

 

 

Name something that comes in 7’s:

“Fingers..”

 

 

Name a vocalist known by only one name:

“Michael Jackson..”

 

 

Name something you hide in your socks when you go swimming:

“Your legs..”

 

 

Name a place you would keep a pen:

“A zoo..”

 

 

Name something associated with rain:

“Water..”

 

 

Name something you make into a ball:

“Eggs..”

 

 

Name a game that uses a black ball:

“Darts..”

 

 

Name a popular TV soap:

“Dove..”

 

 

Other than ‘carrier’, name a type of bag:

“Horse..”

 

 

Name something you might find in a garage:

“a grand piano..”

 

 

Name something a Frenchman would say

“On Garde..”

 

 

Name something that has a shell:

“Batman..”

 

 

Name something a policeman might say:

“Spread ’em..”

 

 

Name a non-living object with legs:

“A plant..”

 

 

Name a sign of the Zodiac:

“April..”

 

 

Name an animal associated with a nursery rhyme:

“Andy Pandy..”

 

 

Name a mode of transport that you can walk in:

“Your shoes..”

 

 

Name an animal with big ears:

“A bear..”

 

 

Name something you do on water:

“Wallpaper..”

 

 

Name a musical instrument you can play in the bath:

“A drum kit..”

 

 

Name something associated with Egypt:

“Cigars..”

 

 

Name a part of your body you only have one of:

“Your big toe..”

 

 

Name something you pull:

“A potato..”

 

 

Name something you open other than a door:

“Your bowels..”

 

 

Name something people might be allergic to:

“Skiing..”

 

 

Name an occupation where you need a torch:

“A burglar..”

 

 

Name a dangerous race:

“The Arabs..”

 

 

Name some famous brothers:

“Bonnie and Clyde..”

 

 

 

When One Door Shuts, Another One Closes!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It never ceases to amaze me how really dumb some people are. We seem to have bred an incredibly stupid generation of people, and unfortunately the next generation is showing further signs of further intellectual deterioration too. It’s a good argument for a theory of deterioration rather than evolution!

I’m not just talking about some people not being able to grasp quantum physics theory. I’m talking about morons who cannot grasp the fundamentals of life.

For example, my blog friend AirportsMadeSimple.com recently posted an article about a new app for phones giving people information about how to eat correctly. I know this app was probably more than that, but it made me comment that soon people will need an app to know how to chew and then swallow. It really does seem to be getting that bad.

One of the first things we learn as children, after first words, first steps and all that good stuff, is how to navigate the great barrier that we call a door. Most children master this without too much difficulty  –  the opening bit at least, kids are not so hot on closing doors which does provide more than a little irritation at times. For many years we have had ordinary doors and still do in most places.

I’m sure this is not the reason at all, but I like to imagine that the people who invested the automatic door did so because they recognized that idiots couldn’t handle ordinary doors.

We all know how they work, you walk up to them, a sensor recognizes you are there, the door opens automatically, and you walk through.

Easy?

For normal people, yes. For the stupid beyond belief, no!

Have a look at the videos. By the way, there’s one showing a woman and one showing a man. There is absolute sexual equality when it comes to morons.

Enjoy or cringe or hide behind the sofa.

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 .(Acknowledgements to FunnyEmails for bringing this firs one to my attention) 

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Some More Insurance Claims

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today I started to write a blog post about something entirely different. Then I came across another selection of motor insurance claims. I always enjoy these. It is fascinating what the general public can do with the English language. They don’t quite kill it, but they certainly torture it a bit.

Here’s today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

 

 

The claimant had collided with a cow.

The questions and answers on the claim form were –

Q: What warning was given by you?

A: Horn.

Q: What warning was given by the other party?

A: Moo.

 

 

Who is to Blame?

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

 

 

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.

 

 

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 

 

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 

 

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

 

 

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 

 

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

 

 

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

 

 

Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

 

 

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

 

 

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

 

 

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

 

 

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 

 

I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

 

 

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 

 

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

 

 

The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.

 

 

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

 

 

Another Edition Of Stupidity Is Legal

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

They tell me it’s Monday again. Where do the weeks go? Still, there isn’t much we can do about it but start the week with a bit of a laugh.

This is another selection from my “stupidity is legal” file. Some of these are so daft that they are bound to raise a chuckle or two. I hope so anyhow. And I also hope that there are no repeats from other post, although I cannot guarantee that. Even if you have read some of them before they are the kind of thing that can stand a second or third or fourth read without lessening the enjoyment too much.

Here we go.

 

 

Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?

 

Witness: I used to be.

 

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

Witness: Four times.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

 

Witness: Yes, sir.

 

Lawyer: Before or after he died?

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: You say you’re innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.

 

Witness: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn’t see me steal it.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

 

Mr. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: Did the lady standing at the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?

 

Witness: Yes, she did.

 

Lawyer: Who did she say she was?

 

Witness: She said she was the owner of the dog’s wife.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.

 

Witness: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”

 

Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”

 

Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”

 

Witness: “Borofkin.”

 

Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”

 

Witness: “I can’t remember.”

 

Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”

 

Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”

 

Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”

 

Witness: “Fair.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Are you married?”

 

Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”

 

Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”

 

Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”

 

Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”

 

Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”

 

Lawyer: “It was covered?”

 

Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”

 

Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”

 

Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”

 

Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

 

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The Dog That Slept With Its Ass In The Air

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’ve said before on this blog that I’m a doggie person. Generally speaking dogs and me get on reasonably well, with just a few exceptions. It’s no secret either that by far my favorite breed is the German Shepherd which is an incredibly loyal and intelligent companion. I’ve been blessed with having two of these family members in my life so far. What an awful shame that their lifespan isn’t more like our own.

I have found out that other breeds and cross-breeds are nowhere close to the GSD. We’ve had three recently, and each one dumber than the last. There was “Lassie” a white fluffy terrier type thingy. Nice little dog and friendly, but you couldn’t even teach it it’s own name. It had been given to us by a nice Korean lady and I offered the theory that it could only speak Korean and didn’t know what we all chatting about. Using google translate I learned a couple of Korean words, but the result was the same blank look.

Then we were gifted another puppy, which we were told was a purebred Rotweiller, but which turned out to be a cross between that and a Pitbull or some other equally macho breed. I really detest the whole macho Pitbull syndrome and wanted to get rid of this one right away. But I was out-voted. Then a few months later it started taking the garden apart with the efficiency of a builder’s excavator, so suddenly the votes were on my side and we got someone to take it off our hands.

Now, as I think I’ve said before on this blog, we have a dog that thinks it’s a cat. I call this one a Doberwaawaahund. Another dumb dog that does not seem capable of learning anything. One of the things it can’t learn is to keep off the public road. It’s never done crawling through the bars of our gate and running down the street barking as if it owned the place.

To top it all, despite the bravado, this is without doubt the most cowardly dog I have ever seen. It is scared of everything.

To cut a long story short, on one of its escapades in the street it either met with another dog, a car or a person fed up with all its annoying barking, but it yelped home one day with a broken tail, part of which subsequently had to be removed by the vet.

I didn’t know dogs could get depressed, but for a few weeks or more after the operation this dumb dog was mystified as to what had happened to the rest of his tail. Couldn’t figure it out at all. Worse than that it imagined all its tail was still there, somewhere, and it was so afraid of getting hurt that it just wouldn’t lie down. Not at all, even to sleep.

And so we ended up with the dog that slept with its ass in the air.

Normal Dumb Dog With Tail

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Dumb Dog With Shortened Tail Asleep With His Ass In The Air