Hey, I Just Realized That Nothing In The Dictionary Begins With An ‘N’.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

If you haven’t guessed already, welcome to the first pun day of 2014.

Well, somebody has to stick up for the mighty word play, so it might as well be me.

Love to hate or hate to love here is this year’s first selection – the first of many I hope!

Enjoy.

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I got a new reversible jacket for Christmas.

I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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Whenever I have had a bad day I console myself

by playing with my Playstation.

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Jamaican newspapers have asserted

that certain strains of marijuana can cure migraines.

Clearly propaganja.

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I took part in a bondage contest last night.

I was tied third.

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I think the people at Apple are so lucky.

They still get paid even after they’ve lost their jobs.

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Our little boy was rushed to hospital at the weekend,

after he’d swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

They’ve given him laxatives but as of yet,

there hasn’t been a word out of him.

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I suppose you could say that a voyeur

was a peep hole person.

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When I was a kid I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

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Me and the wife were at the hardware store choosing a new kitchen.

She asked me, “Do you reckon we could fit that sink in the car?”

Stupid woman, doesn’t she know cars don’t have any plumbing?

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I went to a theme park that had the world’s largest pool table.

The cues were massive.

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Say what you will about Columbus,

but he did put America on the map.

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My wife is a vet and a great cook.

But I refuse to eat anything that she puts down in front of me.

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When they eventually colonize Mars

there’s going to be another housing bubble.

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Although it seemed to go on forever

Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes.

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“You ok Dave?”

“I’m not sure…

my Doctor did a rectal exam on me this morning.”

“Oh right. Prostate?”

“No, bent over his desk.”

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Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just playing about with words again.

Yes, it’s another pun day!

Endure or enjoy, whatever is your pleasure.

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I can’t help being lazy.

It walks in the family.

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To Err is human

To Aarrrgh is Pirate.

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I spent today trying to force as many

road signs from the ground as I could.

I pulled out all the stops.

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My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,

so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.

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The Wife bet me fifty bucks that

she could sing more football songs than me.

I beat her.

She had no Chants.

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Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts

for a girl whose knees don’t bend.

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What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?

‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’

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Windows 8.

Such a pane!

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I read in the newspaper:

‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’

That can’t be true I thought.

They must be linked.

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It said on the News today that

“Cuts will hit the poor hardest”.

Why?

Can’t they even afford bandages?

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A friend in the bar said, 

“I’ve just realized, your brothers Richard, Harold

and Charles are all named after kings.”

I said, ” Yeah, so! What’s your point?”

He said, ” Nothing. It’s your round Burger.”

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The internet has become too politically correct.

What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits.

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I like to tell women that I’m responsible for

a large team of web designers.

I find it gets a better reception than saying

I live in an apartment that’s infested by spiders.    

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A guy walks into a bar and asks, “How much is your beer?”

The barman says, “$4 for a pint and $10 for a pitcher.”

“Just gimme me a pint then,” says the guy.

“I got enough photos already!”

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My friend asked to borrow some money after

losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn’t let him down.

Not after all the shit he’s been through…    

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I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps.

Legend.

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Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring?

Well it’s hair, what else did you expect?

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I’ve spent five frustrating days

repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.

If it doesn’t work soon,

I might just have to take him to the vet.

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I called the Suicide Help Line once,

saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

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I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”.

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

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If an indoor shooting range is burning,

what does one scream to inform them? 

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I Don’t Know How They Do It But Every Week They Seem To Get Worse!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, I really don’t know how they do it, but every week they do seem to get worse. Where these answers come from or why shall always be a mystery, but they are fun and that’s what we like here, especially on a Monday!

You gotta start the week with a smile 🙂

Enjoy.

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Q: The perfect temperature for an autumn day   

A: 87   

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Q: An important city during colonial times          

A: Virginia

A: New England

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Q: Name something parents yell at their kids to finish    

A: “Get off that computer”

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Q: Name a movie people love to watch at Christmas      

A: Snow White 

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Q: Name a type of fruit found in tarts    

A: Sweet tarts

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Q: Name something you buy by the set 

A: Paper

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Q: Name something you buy in a larger size if you have a large family    

A: Jeans

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Q: Name something a woman sees that would make her tell her husband to stop the car 

A: A bicycle

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Q: The most you could afford to pay for a gallon of gas

A: $20

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Q: Name a way you would treat a pet like a human         

A: Take it to the vet

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Q: Name something London is famous for        

A: Pasta

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Q: Name a famous Australian    

A: Peter Pan    

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Q: The name of a famous sex symbol   

A: Wilma

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Q: An invention that has replaced stairs 

A: Wheel

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Q: Name something associated with the show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”

A: Bob Barker

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The Dog That Slept With Its Ass In The Air

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’ve said before on this blog that I’m a doggie person. Generally speaking dogs and me get on reasonably well, with just a few exceptions. It’s no secret either that by far my favorite breed is the German Shepherd which is an incredibly loyal and intelligent companion. I’ve been blessed with having two of these family members in my life so far. What an awful shame that their lifespan isn’t more like our own.

I have found out that other breeds and cross-breeds are nowhere close to the GSD. We’ve had three recently, and each one dumber than the last. There was “Lassie” a white fluffy terrier type thingy. Nice little dog and friendly, but you couldn’t even teach it it’s own name. It had been given to us by a nice Korean lady and I offered the theory that it could only speak Korean and didn’t know what we all chatting about. Using google translate I learned a couple of Korean words, but the result was the same blank look.

Then we were gifted another puppy, which we were told was a purebred Rotweiller, but which turned out to be a cross between that and a Pitbull or some other equally macho breed. I really detest the whole macho Pitbull syndrome and wanted to get rid of this one right away. But I was out-voted. Then a few months later it started taking the garden apart with the efficiency of a builder’s excavator, so suddenly the votes were on my side and we got someone to take it off our hands.

Now, as I think I’ve said before on this blog, we have a dog that thinks it’s a cat. I call this one a Doberwaawaahund. Another dumb dog that does not seem capable of learning anything. One of the things it can’t learn is to keep off the public road. It’s never done crawling through the bars of our gate and running down the street barking as if it owned the place.

To top it all, despite the bravado, this is without doubt the most cowardly dog I have ever seen. It is scared of everything.

To cut a long story short, on one of its escapades in the street it either met with another dog, a car or a person fed up with all its annoying barking, but it yelped home one day with a broken tail, part of which subsequently had to be removed by the vet.

I didn’t know dogs could get depressed, but for a few weeks or more after the operation this dumb dog was mystified as to what had happened to the rest of his tail. Couldn’t figure it out at all. Worse than that it imagined all its tail was still there, somewhere, and it was so afraid of getting hurt that it just wouldn’t lie down. Not at all, even to sleep.

And so we ended up with the dog that slept with its ass in the air.

Normal Dumb Dog With Tail

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Dumb Dog With Shortened Tail Asleep With His Ass In The Air