Another Few Funnies For Friday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

It’s Friday again so time for another few funnies.

This time another batch from the insurance claim file.

I hope you enjoy.

 

“I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way..”

 

Q: “Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?”

A: “Travelled by bus?”

 

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

 

“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”

 

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

 

“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”

 

“My car got hit by a submarine.”

(The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)

 

“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.”

 

“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”

 

“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before.”

 

“A house hit my car.”

(A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.)

 

 

The Things People Say – To Their Insurance Companies

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Always try to start the week with a smile. This time it is with the help of another helping from those rather confused citizens who write reports to their insurance companies after an accident. They always make interesting reading and usually raise a smile or two.

 

As ever, hope you enjoy.

 

 

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 

 

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

 

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

 

 

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

 

 

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

 

 

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

 

 

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

 

 

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

 

 

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

 

 

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

 

 

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

 

 

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

 

 

The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)

 

 

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

 

 

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

 

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

 

 

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

 

 

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

 

 

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

 

 

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 

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Some More Insurance Claims

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today I started to write a blog post about something entirely different. Then I came across another selection of motor insurance claims. I always enjoy these. It is fascinating what the general public can do with the English language. They don’t quite kill it, but they certainly torture it a bit.

Here’s today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

 

 

The claimant had collided with a cow.

The questions and answers on the claim form were –

Q: What warning was given by you?

A: Horn.

Q: What warning was given by the other party?

A: Moo.

 

 

Who is to Blame?

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

 

 

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.

 

 

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 

 

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 

 

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

 

 

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 

 

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

 

 

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

 

 

Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

 

 

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

 

 

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

 

 

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

 

 

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 

 

I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

 

 

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 

 

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

 

 

The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.

 

 

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

 

 

Collisions, Crashes, And Calamities.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We’ve touched on this subject before but there are far, far too many idiots allowed to be put in charge of motor vehicles. Inevitably these morons at one time or more end up crashing, sometimes it is a solo effort, at other times they take some other unfortunate with them.

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However it happens, the inevitable result as well as the police becoming involved is that the insurance companies are quickly brought on board to fight the cases.

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Here are a few descriptions given by some intellectually challenged drivers to their insurance companies trying to explain the mayhem that they had caused.

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Poor doggie. You’ll see what I mean.

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Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

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I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

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I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

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I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

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As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

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In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

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I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.

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I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

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The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

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I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.

 

A Few Friday Funnies

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s always good to start and end the working week with something amusing. Takes a little of the dread out of Mondays and on Fridays sets the right mood for the weekend.

Here is another selection of examples of the public at large putting pen to paper without engaging brain first. We’ve seen what can happen with lawyers,Church notices,  in the ER, and on the 9-1-1 telephones. This time we have a selection of extracts from genuine letters sent to a government Pensions and Insurance Office.

Hope you enjoy.

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“I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why this is?”
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“This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?”

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“Mrs. Brown has no clothes and has not had any for a year. The vicar has been visiting her.”

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“In reply to your letter. I have already co-habited with your office, so far without result.”

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“I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children, one of which is a mistake as you will see.”

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“Sir, I am glad to say my husband, reported missing, is now dead.”

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“Unless I get my husband’s money I shall be forced to lead an immoral life.”

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“I am writing these lines for Mrs. Green who cannot write herself. She expects to be confined next week and can do with it.”

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“I have enclosed my marriage certificate and six children. I have some and one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper by the Rev. Thomas.”

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“Please find out if my husband is dead, as the man I am now living with won’t eat or do anything until he is sure.”

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“In answer to your letter I have given birth to a little boy weighing ten pounds. Is this satisfactory?”

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“You have changed my little girl into a little boy. Will this make any difference.”

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“Please send my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord.”

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“I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all day and all night.”

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“In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.”

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“I want money as quick as you can sent it. I have been in bed with my doctor all week and he does not seem to be doing me any good.”

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Milk is wanted for my baby as the father is unable to supply it.”

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“Regarding your enquiry the teeth in the top are alright but the ones in the bottom are hurting terribly.”