Did They Really Mean To Say That? Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Thirteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The midweek look at the newspapers.

Always something in here to amuse and entertain and to show how a little bit of stupidity often goes a long way.

Enjoy.

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np_morgue

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np_news3

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np_obamapackage

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np_nudists

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np_orgy

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np_planecrash

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np_poison

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np_plunge

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np_obamajudge

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np_pools

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np_prisons

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np_PTISucking

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no06

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And finally,

I’ll huff,

and I’ll puff… 

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np_pigshouseblowndown

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A Few More Random Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This seems to be the week of questions on the fasab blog. It wasn’t planned that way, sometimes things just happen coincidentally, although you would have a job on your hands trying to convince a conspiracy theorist about that.

On Sunday we had questions in the form of a test, yesterday some quiz show questions (although the stars were the answers) and today another selection of those questions most of us ignore, but when we see them we think, “Yeah, why didn’t I ever ask that?”.

So here is the latest batch for you to think about.

Enjoy.

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 Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

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Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

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Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

lipstick and lips drawing 

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If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest and there is no one around, will it make a sound?

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Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

psychic

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Why is it that Easy Listening music is so hard to listen to?

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Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

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Why can’t you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

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If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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If you had everything, where would you put it?

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Why are men’s and women’s shoe sizes different?

different shoe sizes for men and women

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How do blind people know their stick is white?

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Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

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If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

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If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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If most streets in Japan do not have any names how do you address a letter to someone?

confused postman

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If Tarzan was raised in the jungle by apes, why doesn’t he ever have a beard?

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Before drawing boards were invented what was it people went back to?

drawing board

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The Things People Say – To Their Insurance Companies

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Always try to start the week with a smile. This time it is with the help of another helping from those rather confused citizens who write reports to their insurance companies after an accident. They always make interesting reading and usually raise a smile or two.

 

As ever, hope you enjoy.

 

 

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 

 

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

 

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

 

 

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

 

 

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

 

 

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

 

 

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

 

 

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

 

 

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

 

 

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

 

 

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

 

 

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

 

 

The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intersection)

 

 

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

 

 

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

 

 

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

 

 

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

 

 

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

 

 

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

 

 

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 

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Some More Insurance Claims

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today I started to write a blog post about something entirely different. Then I came across another selection of motor insurance claims. I always enjoy these. It is fascinating what the general public can do with the English language. They don’t quite kill it, but they certainly torture it a bit.

Here’s today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

 

 

The claimant had collided with a cow.

The questions and answers on the claim form were –

Q: What warning was given by you?

A: Horn.

Q: What warning was given by the other party?

A: Moo.

 

 

Who is to Blame?

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

 

 

I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.

 

 

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

 

 

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

 

 

I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.

 

 

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

 

 

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.

 

 

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

 

 

Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.

 

 

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

 

 

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

 

 

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

 

 

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

 

 

I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

 

 

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

 

 

I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

 

 

The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.

 

 

I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.

 

 

Collisions, Crashes, And Calamities.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We’ve touched on this subject before but there are far, far too many idiots allowed to be put in charge of motor vehicles. Inevitably these morons at one time or more end up crashing, sometimes it is a solo effort, at other times they take some other unfortunate with them.

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However it happens, the inevitable result as well as the police becoming involved is that the insurance companies are quickly brought on board to fight the cases.

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Here are a few descriptions given by some intellectually challenged drivers to their insurance companies trying to explain the mayhem that they had caused.

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Poor doggie. You’ll see what I mean.

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Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

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I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

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I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

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I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

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As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

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In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

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I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.

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I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

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The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

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I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.