No, it’s not another quiz. I think you could categorize it as one of those “it seemed a good idea at the time” stories. This is the story of an idiot whose stupidity and a fast car brought him to a premature end.
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. They were mystified.
The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.
It took the CSI type people in the lab to finally figure out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.
It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.
Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. So the sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.
The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:
The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt.
The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.
The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.
The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver’s remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading “How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT.”
I was making a comment on a post by AFrankAngle yesterday concerning the Olympic Games – the ones that open tomorrow, but started yesterday. Confused? You should be.
synchronized grins
My contention was that synchronized grinning (okay, okay, swimming, but it was too good a line to waste) was not a sport, let alone an Olympic Sport. That’s not to say that it isn’t competitive, it is. Just that it is not a sport.
So why has it been included in the Olympics?
Simply because we have morons in charge of the Olympic Committees who decide such things.
Before anyone decides to hop, skip and jump to their defense, particularly over the synchronized swimming lark, think about this.
A few years ago, specifically in the Olympic Games held between 1984 and 1992, they also had the bright idea of including Solo Synchronized Swimming – which wasn’t a sport either.
It doesn’t take a giant intellect to realize that it is a challenge (i.e. not flipping possible) for a person swimming alone to be synchronized with someone else who is not there. The average person could figure that one out in under three minutes.
Yet it took the organizing idiots of the Olympic Committees three Games worth of years to figure it out.
I think solo synchronized swimming is what they call an oxymoron – and how very appropriate a name that is!
It wasn’t an isolated faux-pas either. They also tried underwater swimming in one Olympic games, but that was in the days before all-sorts-of-angle-tv coverage. They eventually figured out that it would be very unpopular with spectators coz no one could see anything! Maybe now with underwater cameras it could make a comeback, but let’s not encourage them.
And for a while other non-sport sports included Olympic Club Swinging, where the crazy participants swung a club around for a while. They didn’t let go of these things, which looked like bowling pins, or juggle with them which would have required an element of skill, just swung them around their head and body in various patterns.
That was probably the precursor to the modern Olympic Rhythmic Gymnastics discipline, i.e. running around with hoop, ball, ribbon and clubs. It also is not a sport.
But the problem is bigger than the Olympics, or getting the flags of North and South Korea mixed up (can you believe it!). It is a symptom of a much bigger malaise in our society, because we let the very same type of morons make other much more important decisions.
When morons are elevated to positions of power and influence they don’t get brains handed to them as part of their appointment, they are still morons. And morons make moronic decisions.
And when they do we suffer, not them.
Flags of North and South Korea, so similar, er…NOT!
I’m sure you have never heard of Col Dan Raschen. I would guess that very few have. I only found out about him and his series of autobiographical works thanks to a mention by Mr Stephen Pile in his Heroic Failures book. Born in 1925, Raschen was in the British Army for thirty-three years and retired with the rank of Colonel.
Whilst Col Raschen cannot be classed as either stupid or a failure, he does nevertheless rate a mention in the fasab blog because his journey through the military ranks was not without a few bumps and bruises.
His four books of autobiography are written with a self-effacing modest humour and if you are interested in that kind of work, well worth a read.
They include adventures such as…..
After Wellington College and Peterhouse, Cambridge his service in the Royal Engineers took him, at the end of World War II, first to a new campaign in the East Indies then back to India for the country’s partition from Pakistan (Book, “Wrong Again Dan!”).
Wrong Again Dan
When he was on his way to India to join his regiment he lost all his underwear and his only pair of pyjamas while washing them out of a porthole. All the ship’s cutlery went the same way when he threw out a basin of dishwater. The troops had to eat with their fingers for the rest of the voyage.
On arrival he was instantly accused of murder. The case only foundered when he pointed at his supposed victim grinning cheerfully in the growing crowd of onlookers.
So enthusiastic was his performance during tests for a commission that after the obstacle course he had to wait for other less interesting candidates to finish so they could come back and rescue him from beneath a railway sleeper.
Whilst in charge of three amphibious tanks, he lost all them in one week. Two got stuck in a pond and one went through the wall of his own accommodation.
After completing his degree at Cambridge, Dan volunteered for the Korean War, where the pheasant shooting was of high repute. Because the pheasants lived in or near minefields, which were Dan’s particular concern, he managed to combine pleasure with eighteen months of war (Book, “Send Port & Pyjamas!”).
Send Port & Pyjamas
For one so exquisitely disaster prone a career in explosives was the inevitable course.
Back in England efforts were made to train Dan in military technology, and his subsequent soldiering was unusually varied in scope. After a spell in a weapons design team, he went to the Central Pacific to command an independent unit and to advise on coral blasting (Book, “Don’t Step on a Stonefish!”).
Don’t Step On A Stonefish
After an intense period of training he arrived at the South Pacific to blow up some coral reef, never having attempted it before. His finest hour came when he moored his own boat to the very bit of reef that was receiving his closest attention.
In his own words he says, ‘One likes to think that there have been people who have been worse, but admittedly it does seem unlikely’.
Home again, Dan was an ammunition instructor before returning to Cambridge to command the University Officers Training Corps. His second command was of a Royal Engineers regiment in Germany. Then he and his wife, Judy, were delighted to spend three years in Sweden with Dan being the British Military Attaché (Book, “Diplomatic Dan”).
Diplomatic Dan
On his return to England Dan was Project Manager for Infantry Weapons, and then a Colonel at the Royal Military College of Science, Shrivenham, Oxfordshire. After retiring from the army in 1979, he continued to work at the College as a scientific civil servant for a further twelve years. While there he invented “Raschen Bags”, an indestructible cushion for use under mortars.
Yesterday the subject of my blog post was a rather nice story about a farmer in England who had put a lot of thought, time and effort into creating a memorial tribute to his late wife. I called it “Well done Winston Howes, Who Says Romance Is Dead?”.
A bit out of character for this blog perhaps, but I admire people who do things that are just that little bit above and beyond the call of duty.
Today, however, you could say that “normal service” has been resumed. You could probably tell from the title, “Hard Luck Mr Scott, The Romance May Dead But Your Wife Isn’t!“.
This is a story about another Englishman. This time a Mr Peter Scott from Southsea who has gone down in history as the least successful husband at trying to murder his wife!
All in all Mr Scott made seven attempts to kill his wife.
And the strangest thing of all was that she never once noticed that anything was wrong.
It all started in 1980 when he took out an insurance policy on his good lady that would pay out a quarter of a million British pounds in the event of her accidental death.
insurance money
Shortly afterward, he made his first attempt to cash in when he placed a lethal dose of mercury in her strawberry flan. Unfortunately for Mr Scott the heavy mercury all rolled out.
Strike attempt # 1.
strawberry flan
However, not wishing to waste this deadly substance, he next stuffed a mackerel with the entire contents of the bottle. This time, to his delight, his wife ate it, but, to his dismay, with no side effects whatsoever.
Strike attempt # 2.
mackerel
Warming to the task, he then took his better half on holiday to Yugoslavia. Recommending the panoramic views, he invited her to sit on the edge of a cliff, but she declined to do so, prompted by what she later described as some “sixth sense.”
Strike attempt # 3.
cliff
He tried the same type of thing a few weeks later when he urged her to enjoy the view from Beachy Head, the famous 500 feet high chalk headland in the south of England.
Strike attempt # 4.
Beachy Head
Then, when his spouse was in bed with chicken-pox he started a fire outside her bedroom door, but some interfering busybody put it out.
Strike attempt # 5.
Would-be Arsonist
Undeterred, Mr Scott started another fire but only succeeded in burning down the entire apartment. The target of his arsonist adventures escaped uninjured.
Strike attempt # 6.
burning apsrtment
On yet another occasion he asked her to stand in the middle of the road so that he could drive toward her and check if his brakes were working.
Strike attempt # 7.
Road Rage
Unbelievably, at no time did Mrs. Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage. She must have been sooooo dumb!
Finally, since it appeared that nothing short of a small nuclear bomb would have alerted this good woman to her husband’s intentions, he eventually gave up and confessed everything to the police.
arrested
After the case, a detective said Mrs. Scott had been “absolutely shattered” when told of her husband’s plot to kill her.
Another manic Monday has been thrust upon us. Feels like a tough week to me already, so let’s start with a few funnies. Another selection from the tv quiz show archive. I have a few favorites in this lot, I hope you find something to chuckle about too.
Enjoy.
What girl’s name is a term for a short prayer or thanks before a meal?
“Mary”
What is twenty multiplied by fifty?
“A hundred and ten”
The towns of El Paso and San Antonio are in which US state?
“South America”
What is six multiplied by three?
“Nine”
Apart from Earth which planet in our solar system begins with a vowel?
“Pluto”
In hairdressing a tuft of hair which persistently sticks up is called a ‘cow…’ what?
“Horn”
What sport do you play on grass with rackets?
“Cricket”
What insect has many limbs, although the name would suggest that it has one hundred?
“A giraffe”
What glen in Scotland was the scene of a famous battle?
“Glenfiddich”
What is the silent last letter in the word ‘ballet’ ?
“Y”
Which popular hot drink is an anagram of the word ‘eat’ ?
“Chocolate”
What F is a pink African wading bird?
“Albatross”
What place in Australia is called ‘Springs’ preceded by a girls name?
“Hope”
What ‘V’ is a dilute acetic acid and is used as a condiment?
“Bicarbonate of soda”
What is the highest double-figured number?
“Twenty-five”
The Mexican War was fought over a border dispute with which other country?
“Spain”
The book by Lord Baden-Powell is called ‘Scouting For..’ what?
“Trade”
What ‘D’ is the word for rain which also indicates which way the rain is falling?
“Direction”
In America the 18th century protestation about taxes was called ‘The Boston..’ what?
“Uprising”
How many playing cards are displayed in the trick ‘Find the lady’?
“Twelve”
What is the name of the long tapering button which is used to fasten a duffle coat?
When this blog post came into my head I was reminded of an old Stealers Wheel hit of the 1970s called “Stuck In The Middle With You”, which incidentally also featured as the soundtrack for the hit movie “Reservoir Dogs”. It seemed appropriate. For those of you who don’t know it, or would like to hear it again, I have attached a video at the end of the post.
As you are no doubt well aware if you have read even a little of this blog, I am fond of humor. I like to try to see the funny side of things, no matter how serious or frustrating. It usually comes quite easily to me, sometimes too easily. All in all, this gift has served me well over the years, but now and again it has caused a little bit of bother.
This story starts off rather sadly. A friend of the family had been killed in a car accident. Not his fault, the moron in the car who hit him was going too far too fast, but that didn’t do my friend any good. He left behind a widow and two children.
A Church Service was held before the interment at the local graveyard and we all filed into the Church and tried to fine a space in one of the pews. The Church was small and the number of people attending the funeral was large. As a consequence we were packed into the seats like the proverbial sardines. But there was nothing else we could do.
I found myself between two guys whom I did not know, so there wasn’t much in the way of conversation before the service started. I didn’t even know their names.
The Minister took his place in the pulpit and began the Service.
Everything went smoothly.
For a while.
Then the guy to my left decided he would take the hiccoughs. Well I think the hiccoughs made the decision to take him and there was little he could do about it. That became mildly amusing in itself. It reminded me of my days at school where one of my classmates was often similarly afflicted.
Trying to suppress hiccoughs only makes things worse and I remember at school there would be a series of rather quiet ones and then one would strike simultaneously with an intake of breath making an elongated and rather loud and unusual noise. It always made us laugh and frequently got us into trouble when we were in school.
That’s the one I was waiting for in the Church, the big noisy one. The anticipation was almost unbearable. Would it happen during a Hymn? Or when the Minister was speaking? Or worst of all, at a moment of silence in the proceedings drawing everyone’s attention in our direction?
When it came, thankfully, we were in the middle of the first Hymn. A few people noticed, but not many. I just held my Hymn Book in front of my face and giggled, more with relief that it had happened rather than at the act itself.
I was just preparing to steel myself for the next big one when all of a sudden the man to my right started to sway backwards and forwards and wriggle from side to side, his hands moving quickly up and down his legs and up to his sides. His left elbow hitting my right arm on a number of occasions. His face was twitching too.
“Oh FFS, what now?” I said to myself, very inappropriately for a Church Service I admit.
“This other idiot is taking some sort of a fit,” I thought. “And I’m stuck here in the middle, between him and the hiccough king, and there’s no way out.”
What was I to do?
Then things got better.
Then things got worse.
To my momentary relief, it turned out the bloke on my right wasn’t taking some kind of a fit after all. Apparently he felt he was about to sneeze and was frantically trying to get into one of his trouser pockets for a handkerchief.
His problems were two-fold. One, the sneeze was imminent, and, two, we were all so tightly packed into the Church pews that he couldn’t get enough room to get his hand into his trouser pocket, hence the frantic movements of his arms. The man wasn’t having a fit, he was just in a mild state of panic looking for his hankie.
If there isn’t a saying, “a sneeze waits for no man”, there should be because they don’t. And sneeze he did. A great big one. That was bad enough, but unfortunately he must have had a cold or something because when he sneezed at least six inches of rather unpleasant stuff made its way out of his nose and just hung there like an icicle in winter. He quickly did the only thing he could and put his hand up to his nose capturing the offending article.
My next worry was where was he going to put it? If I was keeping an eye on him before when I thought he was about to have a fit, I was keeping an even tighter eye on him now.
And then to my surprise he stood up, reached into his pocket and retrieved his handkerchief. I thought him standing up was a bit odd, yet I admired him for having the courage to do it in front of all these people.
Satisfied that he was now under control I turned back to my left to the guy with the hiccoughs. To my equal surprise he was on his feet as well. I’d heard that standing on your head and trying to drink a glass of water would cure the hiccoughs, but never just standing up on your feet in Church. This guy had got it all wrong.
But actually he hadn’t. When I looked round the Church everybody was on their feet. And when I looked up at the pulpit and made eye contact with the Minister he stared down at me expectantly.
I had been so caught up on the events at either side of me and at the same time trying to hold in my laughter that I had completely tuned out of the Church Service. Now we were going to sing another Hymn – if I would just get on to my feet that is. I was holding up the whole Service!!
I did. Immediately. The organist started to play and everybody began to sing the Hymn. I took out my handkerchief this time, not because I was in the same predicament as the other bloke, but just to mask more laughter.
When it was all over we walked out to the graveyard, much to my relief. After the interment I met a friend. Apparently he had been watching the happenings in the Church.
“Man, I didn’t know you were so fond of the deceased,” he said. “You looked terribly upset in Church.”
“Oh yes, we go back a long way,” I said. ‘You know how it is.”
Yesterday I inflicted a test on you, sorry about that.
Today, you will get your chance to see how others fared in their test results.
Yes, it’s another selection of my favorites, the TV Quiz Show Answers!!!
Any time you think the human race is evolving into something a bit smarter, just watch a few quiz shows on TV. Dumb and dumber are still here and likely to be so for some considerable time.
Enjoy!
What is the highest prime number under ten?
“Eleven”
What was the last state to join the USA?
“Canada”
What kind of dozen is thirteen?
“Half a dozen”
How many ‘E’s are there in ‘argument’?
“Three”
Sri Lanka is situated to the south-east of which Asian country?
“South Africa”
What is the capital of Iraq?
“Iran”
The equator divides the world into how many hemispheres?
“Three”
In which film did Dudley Moore star as the title character?
“10”
Which three-letter word is known as ‘the definite article’?
“It”
Who initiated the Chinese cultural revolution?
“Ming”
The name of which famous racehorse was the word ‘murder’ spelt backwards?
“Shergar”
Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
“Bombay”
What is the correct name for the Australian wild dog?
“Dingbat”
What does a bat use to facilitate flying in the dark?
“Wings”
Which South American country has borders with ten others?
“China”
Which city was chosen to host the first Chinese Grand Prix?
“Tokyo”
Complete the title of the well-known play: ‘The Iceman..’?
“Melts”
In what European country was actor Antonio Banderas born?
“Mexico”
What ‘C’ is a wine drunk on special occasions?
“Chardonnay”
What ‘Z’ is used to describe a human who has returned from the dead?
“Unicorn”
The province of Ontario is situated in which Commonwealth country?
“America”
When people watch too much TV they are warned that which part of their body will turn square?
I’m sure not many of you will have heard of the Missouri Mass Murderer, but that’s probably because I just made it up to get a catchy title for this blog post.
Nevertheless there was such a person and she could even be described as a serial killer such was the number of her victims.
Born in Joplin, Missouri, her name was Elva Ruby Connes Miller and she murdered some of the best songs ever written. In fact she tortured some of them to death in the most horrific manner.
Despite having studied music, voice, and composition at Pomona College, the woman could not sing. She had not a note in her body. Tone deaf does not even begin to describe it. Shrill, out of key, horrendous vibrato when completely uncalled for. You name a wrong way of doing it and she did it. It was carnage.
Curiously, sometimes when someone does something particularly badly it turns out to be something you have to look at, or in this case listen to. And when you hear one song, you need to hear another just to make sure she was as bad as you thought.
Not surprisingly Mrs Miller had to self finance her first recordings but was eventually featured by KMPC disc jockey (and later Laugh-In announcer) Gary Owens on his radio program. Around the same time, 1960, she also appeared on a limited-run album of his comedy routines. Owens can therefore be blamed – sorry, credited – as the person who first discovered her.
Astonishingly Miller was signed to Capitol Records by Lex de Azevedo, a young up-and-coming producer at the label, although nowadays he apparently does not care to discuss his involvement with Miller!
Equally astonishingly, her first LP, ironically titled “Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits”, appeared in 1966 and sold over 250,000 copies in its first three weeks! She sang for US servicemen in Vietnam (they should probably have got her to sing to the Viet Cong), performed at the Hollywood Bowl, guest starred on numerous television shows, and appeared in Roddy McDowall’s film The Cool Ones.
But her fame was short-lived. Interest in Miller soon waned. She was dropped by Capitol and, in 1968, and released her final album, “Mrs. Miller Does Her Thing”, on the Amaret label. She later issued several singles on her own Vibrato Records label, then retired from singing in the early 1970s. She died in 1997 in Garden Terrace Retirement Center, in Vista, California.
A friend of mine introduced me to Mrs Miller’s noise (I won’t dignify it by calling it music) a few years ago when he gave me a CD of her greatest hits.
But bad as it certainly is, I have put it to good use over the years. I like to take it to other people’s houses, or when we are in the car. I “big” up this great singer I have discovered, pop the CD into the player and then watch the utter confusion and dismay on their faces as they listen to what Mrs Miller has to offer.
Below are a few examples of her crimes. Tunes you may be familiar with “A Groovy Kind Of Love”, The Girl From Ipanema”, “Let’s Hang On”, Strangers In The Night”, “A Hard Days Night”, “Downtown”, and “These Boots Are Made For Walkin”. There are others on youtube.com if you get hooked, just do a search for Mrs Miller.
I usually say “Enjoy” at this point in my posts. However, today I do not think it is appropriate. Although I should perhaps add the disclaimer that, if you are of a sensitive nature you may find the following upsetting.
It’s Friday again so time for another few funnies.
This time another batch from the insurance claim file.
I hope you enjoy.
“I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way..”
Q:“Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?”
A:“Travelled by bus?”
“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”
“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.”
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”
“My car got hit by a submarine.”
(The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)
“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.”
“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.”
“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before.”
“A house hit my car.”
(A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.)
In 1994, at the annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, their then president, Don Harper Mills, astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Needless to say it featured an idiot, in fact several idiots, which is why it is being recounted on the fasab blog.
This is the unlikely story.
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
The deceased had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He had left behind a note indicating his depression.
As he fell past the ninth floor, his attempt to kill himself was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the jumper were aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, if a person sets out with the intention of killing himself and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he originally intended, the death would be deemed a suicide.
Thus, in normal circumstances, the fact that Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide.
However, in this case, the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful, because of the safety nets, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor where the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by and elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. But he was so upset that when he pulled trigger he completely missed his wife and the shotgun pellets went through window striking Opus as he fell and killing him.
The Coroner held that, “When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.”
However, when confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.
The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her – therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident in that the gun had been accidentally loaded by someone else.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now became one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
But even that would not be enough to feature in this blog.
Further investigation revealed that the son, was none other than one Ronald Opus, who had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder.
This had led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to be killed by a blast from the shotgun he had loaded himself some six weeks previously as he fell past the ninth story window of his parents’ apartment.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
fasab 