One Lump, Or Two With Your Coffee?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


I’ve discussed before in other blog posts that part of the reason for the problems we suffer these days is the direct result of the staggering number of stupid lawyers who are being allowed to qualify from our universities in spite of the fact that they are clearly unfit to hold down a proper job in the legal profession.

Thus we have many of them turning into ambulance chasers to try to eek out a living, whilst others encourage equally dumb people into taking spurious law suits against decent people and  businesses.

The judiciary does not help by their tolerance of junk law suits and by some of their decisions, the stupidity of which take one’s breath away.

We’ve had the morons who sue people like McDonalds because they say they didn’t know their hot coffee was hot or their iced coffee was cold.

But just when you thought you’d heard it all, in one recent case a man claimed caffeine drove him to molest women.

Kenneth Sands was convicted July 3 for groping two women and three teenage girls after a volleyball game in Onalaska, Oregon, on Oct. 18, 2011.

His sorry-assed defense?

Blame it on the caffeine.

Sands, a school bus driver for the Rainier School District, attempted to argue in court that caffeine “caused a psychotic episode,” reported KOMO News. “My son-in-law and daughter have never seen that kind of behavior from myself,” Sands, 51, told the court.

This “behavior” that Sands claims caffeine induced includes grabbing a 46-year-old woman’s breasts several times during the game and later trying to grab her butt as she tried to get away; grabbing a 15-year-old’s butt outside of a bus after the game, and then slapping a 16-year-old’s butt as she was getting on the bus. Sands climbed aboard the bus and touched yet another volleyball player before he was kicked off, the Lewis County sheriff’s office told KOMO.

Thankfully some sanity prevailed on this occasion and the court ruled that caffeine was not, in fact, the reason behind Sands’ aggressive and lewd behavior. He was sentenced to 30 days for each of the five counts of fourth-degree assault.

Sands’ caffeine defense might have been inspired by the “Twinkie defense,” ABC News suggests. San Francisco supervisor Dan White successfully avoided a first-degree murder conviction for the 1978 assassination of San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, claiming his sugary diet caused depression.

Dr. Martin Blinder, the psychiatrist who presented the “Twinkie defense” during the 1979 trial, told ABC News that caffeine could not hold up as a defense because it is made from coffee beans, which are all-natural. “We have no evidence that coffee is harmful,” Blinder told ABC.

Rest assured: drinking too much coffee will not turn you into a serial groper.

One lump, or two?



8 thoughts on “One Lump, Or Two With Your Coffee?

  1. To much caffeine? Really? I should be molesting all the pretty men in Dallas at this point given the amount I ingest daily.

    But on the McDonald’s too hot coffee case? That actually was a legitimate lawsuit, I researched it for a different post (different site) I wrote a few years back. I was shocked at what I found. My initial reaction was much like yours, when I was done I found it unfortunate the award was reduced. Perhaps I will go revive that article and post it here.

    • Thanks for the comment. Interesting re the McD case, it has become a sort of cliche for spurious law suits. I’d like to read your article if you re post.

  2. The Twinkie defense was the worst ever! I had not heard about the caffeine defense – unbelievable. If I don’t have my caffeine in the morning I am not responsible for my negative actions!!

  3. Oh….the things I could blame on caffeine…

    ( By the way, I haven’t been receiving notification of your posts via email. This has been a problem with several blogs I follow since returning from having my blog on suspension. I’m having to go back to each one and re-subscribe. I’m fairly certain caffeine is at fault here…;) )

    • LOL Yes, the old caffeine ploy. I’ve started to use it myself, sometimes because I’ve had too much, other times not enough. It’s very versatile.
      Great to have you back in the blogsphere again. I’ve been happily posting away so feel free to dip into the archives any time the mood takes you.

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