I Can’t Stand X-Rays. They Go Right Through Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some people feel the same way about puns.

I hope that doesn’t include you though.

So here are some more to….

Enjoy or endure!

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I didn’t know how to spell “plagiarized”

so I copied and pasted it.

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A foreign lady at the market held

two pineapples up to me yesterday and said

“I give you two for one sir”.

It seemed like a fair swap, but unfortunately

I didn’t have a pineapple on me.

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I got a luxury prize for using the correct

punctuation mark to denote ownership.

It was a posh trophy.

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Whenever I go on a long country ramble,

I always take a good reliable compass with me.

You just never know when you might need to draw a circle.

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Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked,

“Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.”

I said, “No, It’s not for me, my name’s Smith.”

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Went to a funfair the other day and saw that

the sign advertising it was missing the first F.

That’s just unfair.

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A new book out today:

the Korean canine training manual

50 Ways to Wok your Dog

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed

by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material

and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

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I tried to order some tennis balls

off the internet last night

but the site kept crashing.

Must be having problems with their server.

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A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.

The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.

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I was going to make a herb garden the other day,

but I just haven’t got the thyme.

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I failed Geography at school.

I couldn’t find the exam room

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Have you noticed that prison walls

are never built to scale.

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I was on holiday in Spain when a friend  phoned me.

“How’s the hotel?” he asked.

“Well, I can’t complain, “ I replied.

“Oh, that’s good then,” he said.

I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.”

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A guy is climbing to the top of Mount Everest.

He has two steps to go when one of them notices

the heel on his right shoe is a little loose,

yet he decides to continue.

At the next step, the heel comes off and

the guy goes tumbling down the mountain.

As he goes by, he passes a couple of climbers.

First climber: Think we should help him?

Second climber: No, as he was going down

I heard him singing

“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.”

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You Know What They Used To Say In The Middle Ages, “Resistance Is Feudal”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Happily we don’t live in the middle ages, so now resistance is futile.

If you haven’t guessed already….

It’s pun day!

Enjoy.

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I’m in a band called Atom

We’ll never split.

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I’ve been drawing bar graphs, pie charts

and venn diagrams all over walls in town.

I’m a graphitti artist.

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We were going for a picnic today and my husband

asked me to get some ice and a cooler bag.

I thought, “That’s a bit harsh,

there’s nothing wrong with my current bag”.

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Can someone give me a definition of homosexuality,

in lay-men’s terms?

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On the investment front I’m worried that my shares in a

major cordial company are going to be diluted.

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Don’t trust people who avoid the sun.

They’re shady.

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Signing up to a mailing list has done nothing to

quell my addiction for German poetry.

I’m getting verse by the day.

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According to a survey,

seven out of ten people use the double negative.

I ain’t never heard such nonsense in my life.

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The horse came galloping towards me,

the sun glistening off the rider’s armour, helmet and lance,

which I realised was aimed at my head.

Man, those knight-vision goggles are really awesome!

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Running a bingo hall is more than just a job.

It’s a calling.

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Whilst on holiday near lake Geneva

I purchased a large bottle of mineral water

I struggled to carry it though,

it was an evian.

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There are two i’s in narcissist

and they absolutely hate each other.

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After a terrible Chinese meal last night, I refused to pay.

Unfortunately the chef heard what I said and pinned me up against the wall,

threatening me with a pan unless I paid up.

Talk about being stuck between a wok and a hard place.

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I saw a man with a bald patch earlier.

I thought, “He’s obviously trying to cut down, or quit being bald”.

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It appears that smoking heroin is

far better for addicts than injecting it,

needleless to say.

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A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and

asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I said “Check Republic.”

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What do you call a brittle Scotsman?

A Glasswegian.

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I hate it when people make jokes about Vietnam.

It Hanoi’s me.

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Jay-Z? A psychiatrist?

Must be Shrink Rap.

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We spent a fortune on electrocution lessons for our son.

Until he learned to speak properly.

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More Pun Fun Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More pun fun today. It’s amazing how bad a joke you can get away with when there’s a pun or two involved. The evidence can be found below.

Enjoy.

 

 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

 

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

 

Is a shotgun wedding a case of wife or death?

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

When two egotists meet, it’s always an I for an I.

 

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.

 

Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life.

 

Did your hear about the illiterate fisherman who was lost at c?

 

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