I Can’t Stand X-Rays. They Go Right Through Me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


Some people feel the same way about puns.

I hope that doesn’t include you though.

So here are some more to….

Enjoy or endure!




I didn’t know how to spell “plagiarized”

so I copied and pasted it.

copy and paste



A foreign lady at the market held

two pineapples up to me yesterday and said

“I give you two for one sir”.

It seemed like a fair swap, but unfortunately

I didn’t have a pineapple on me.




I got a luxury prize for using the correct

punctuation mark to denote ownership.

It was a posh trophy.




Whenever I go on a long country ramble,

I always take a good reliable compass with me.

You just never know when you might need to draw a circle.




Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked,

“Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.”

I said, “No, It’s not for me, my name’s Smith.”




Went to a funfair the other day and saw that

the sign advertising it was missing the first F.

That’s just unfair.




A new book out today:

the Korean canine training manual

50 Ways to Wok your Dog




“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed

by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material

and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?”

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

Sedimentary, my dear Watson



I tried to order some tennis balls

off the internet last night

but the site kept crashing.

Must be having problems with their server.

tennis ball



A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.

The model for the centerfold has just been unveiled.

Sila Sahin first Muslim to pose for Playboy



I was going to make a herb garden the other day,

but I just haven’t got the thyme.




I failed Geography at school.

I couldn’t find the exam room

exam room



Have you noticed that prison walls

are never built to scale.

prison walls



I was on holiday in Spain when a friend  phoned me.

“How’s the hotel?” he asked.

“Well, I can’t complain, “ I replied.

“Oh, that’s good then,” he said.

I said, “No, it’s terrible! I just don’t speak the lingo.”

no hablo espanol



A guy is climbing to the top of Mount Everest.

He has two steps to go when one of them notices

the heel on his right shoe is a little loose,

yet he decides to continue.

At the next step, the heel comes off and

the guy goes tumbling down the mountain.

As he goes by, he passes a couple of climbers.

First climber: Think we should help him?

Second climber: No, as he was going down

I heard him singing

“You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.”





You Know What They Used To Say In The Middle Ages, “Resistance Is Feudal”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


Happily we don’t live in the middle ages, so now resistance is futile.

If you haven’t guessed already….

It’s pun day!





I’m in a band called Atom

We’ll never split.



I’ve been drawing bar graphs, pie charts

and venn diagrams all over walls in town.

I’m a graphitti artist.

bar graphs, pie charts and venn diagrams



We were going for a picnic today and my husband

asked me to get some ice and a cooler bag.

I thought, “That’s a bit harsh,

there’s nothing wrong with my current bag”.



Can someone give me a definition of homosexuality,

in lay-men’s terms?



On the investment front I’m worried that my shares in a

major cordial company are going to be diluted.



Don’t trust people who avoid the sun.

They’re shady.

shady people


Signing up to a mailing list has done nothing to

quell my addiction for German poetry.

I’m getting verse by the day.

German poetry


According to a survey,

seven out of ten people use the double negative.

I ain’t never heard such nonsense in my life.

do not put nothing here


The horse came galloping towards me,

the sun glistening off the rider’s armour, helmet and lance,

which I realised was aimed at my head.

Man, those knight-vision goggles are really awesome!



Running a bingo hall is more than just a job.

It’s a calling.



Whilst on holiday near lake Geneva

I purchased a large bottle of mineral water

I struggled to carry it though,

it was an evian.

evian bottle


There are two i’s in narcissist

and they absolutely hate each other.



After a terrible Chinese meal last night, I refused to pay.

Unfortunately the chef heard what I said and pinned me up against the wall,

threatening me with a pan unless I paid up.

Talk about being stuck between a wok and a hard place.



I saw a man with a bald patch earlier.

I thought, “He’s obviously trying to cut down, or quit being bald”.



It appears that smoking heroin is

far better for addicts than injecting it,

needleless to say.

druggie cartoon


A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and

asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I said “Check Republic.”

republic store


What do you call a brittle Scotsman?

A Glasswegian.



I hate it when people make jokes about Vietnam.

It Hanoi’s me.

Vietnam Map



Jay-Z? A psychiatrist?

Must be Shrink Rap.



We spent a fortune on electrocution lessons for our son.

Until he learned to speak properly.





More Pun Fun Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


More pun fun today. It’s amazing how bad a joke you can get away with when there’s a pun or two involved. The evidence can be found below.




A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.


Practice safe eating – always use condiments.


Is a shotgun wedding a case of wife or death?


A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.


A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.


Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.


When two egotists meet, it’s always an I for an I.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.


What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)


She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.


Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life.


Did your hear about the illiterate fisherman who was lost at c?