It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

jug

.

.

I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

compulsive-shouter

.

.

Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

hip-hop-man-holding-jacket-12834831

.

.

I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

nail bar

.

.

This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

GoDaddy-Email-Login

.

.

The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

Palindrome Club

.

.

Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

woman who can't have a baby

.

.

My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

woman selling flowers

.

.

My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

new GPS

.

.

I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

Bacardi

.

.

I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

burning weed

.

.

My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

bookmark in book

.

.

I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

librarian

.

.

Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

news reporter

.

.

A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

.

.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

.

BREAKING NEWS: Man In Boxers Leads Police On A Brief Chase!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

If the title didn’t give you a clue, it’s Pun Day again.

Some more word play to….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Reports that suggest

Little Miss Muffet

has contracted food poisoning

have been described as

“Whey off”.

Little Miss Muffet

.

.

I went to the cinema last night

and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

grated cheese

.

.

What do my wife and a

drone have in common?

The noise.

mick-stevens-oh-no-my-wife-s-drone-new-yorker-cartoon

.

.

Most car designs start off as

a sketch on a piece of paper.

Like the Audi A4.

Audi A4

.

.

I’m waiting to hear if I’ve got a place in

the World Hyperventilating Championship.

I won’t be holding my breath.

World Hyperventilating Championship

.

.

Apparently the government has a database

containing the details of every single

animal attack on humans.

Wonder how big it is,

probably many terror bites.

terror bites

.

.

The girl in the shop told me

she didn’t have any 7UP.

But she’s just saying that

out of sprite.

sprite-7up

.

.

I’m writing a book

about patriarchal societies.

It’s going to be called

“It’s Reigning Men”.

It's Reigning Men

.

.

I’m known for being a really good chef.

I bring a lot to the table.

really good chef

.

.

ISIS.

Always in crisis.

crisis

.

.

A lion, a witch and a wardrobe

walk into a bar.

The barman says,

“I’m serving Narnia!”

Narnia

.

.

I saw an extremely fat frog that

was having trouble bending its legs.

It was probably roomy-toad arthritis.

roomy-toad arthritis

.

.

Help, I am looking for my father,

I was raised by my mother and

all she told me was he’s Italian,

works in a clinic,

and goes by the name ‘Invitro’?

Invitro

.

.

My friend gets his Viagra

delivered by chartered air freight.

He’s a Very Impotent Person.

Very Impotent Person

.

.

I couldn’t get tickets for the Plan B concert.

So I had to go with my first choice instead.

.

.

=================================

.

 

Why Do I Like Masochism? Beats Me!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And for those masochists among you here is another selection of word plays, or puns.

You know what’s coming.

Enjoy or endure!

.

 

rofl

As an avid gardener,

I got so excited by summer coming,

I wet my plants.

wet my plants

.

.

The jar I put money into every

time I use profanities

has really helped me cut back.

I swear by it.

swear jar

.

.

I was just told by someone

to stop being so unsavory.

I thought that’s sweet.

sweet

.

.

Apparently it’s really easy to cook Monkfish,

Just stick it on the Friar….

Monkfish

.

.

What do you call a girl

who keeps disappearing?

Heidi.

girl_hiding_behind_door

.

.

I’ve just paid $10 for a 19th century painting

of a cow from the local charity shop.

I think it might be Art Mooveau.

painting of a cow

.

.

What do you call

a Muslim doctor?

Amed.

Muslim doctor

.

.

My dentist has accused me

of non-cooperation during appointments.

I’m keeping my mouth shut.

A man scared of dentists has taped his mouth shut.

.

.

Having considered buying a couple of

calves at a livestock auction for $200,

I ended up purchasing two lambs for $100

which were sheep at half the price

sheep at half the price

.

.

I thought it was weird when my friend

told me he’d fallen in love with a puppet.

Now he’s planning on marionette.

marionette

.

.

I only enjoy carbonated drinks..

Soda speak.

carbonated drinks

.

.

My wife said if I took one more

picture of her she’d leave me.

That’s when I snapped.

and_thats_when_i_snapped

.

.

What’s better than

a cake on the table?

A tart on the floor.

cake on the table

.

.

Our identical twins are impossible to tell apart.

They even wear the same aftershave.

Well, it’s not so much aftershave,

it’s more like Eau de Clone.

Eau de Clone

.

.

My friend got me a poster of my

favourite 70’s Glam Rock band.

Sweet!

.

.

=================================

.

 

Procrastinators Unite! …. Tomorrow.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Procrastinators may unite tomorrow if they want, but for the rest of us today is Pun Day.

Yes, more awful jokes and word play fun.

So, enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I just realised that

“stats”  is palindromic.

What are the odds of that?!

STATS

.

.

“Hey Harry, how much were

those broom sticks?” Asked Ron.

“Quid each”, replied Harry.

quidditch

.

.

I thought my wife was happy

to fully repair my jeans.

Or at least sew its seams.

repair my jeans

.

.

I submitted a 16:9 picture of my farm

to the photography contest.

They didn’t like the crop.

16.9 picture of my farm

.

.

My fine art and fragrances business has failed.

The perfumes sold well, but I didn’t really know

how to market the paintings I’d bought.

Now I’ve got more Monet than scents.

Monet - Water-Lily-Pond--Symphony-In-Rose

.

.

You feel stuck with your debt

if you can’t budge it.

budget2013_BalancingTheBudget_new

.

.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial

.

.

I’m a judge in graffiti competitions.

It’s as exciting as watching paint dry.

graffiti competitions

.

.

Ghetto blasters.

They’re an 80s stereotype.

lasonic-ghetto-blaster-famous-gold-edition-3

.

.

I accidentally sprinkled marijuana into my mayonnaise.

It reminded me of Holland Days.

hollandaise-sauce

.

.

I once got a butterfly high

by giving it concentrated speed.

It was a crystal moth

crystal moth

.

.

When I broke the news to my little

brother that he had diabetes,

I tried not to sugarcoat it.

sugarcoat

.

.

Constipation:

same old s**t,

different day.

constipation

.

.

Is it just me or are Polish cleaners

really bad at brushing up?

Sorry that was a

sweeping generalization.

cleaners

.

.

My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing

“Someone Like You”

over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

.

.

=====================================

.

Why Is Luke Always Warm?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I hope you are keeping warm too.

Warm enough to Luke at a few more word plays because it’s Pun Day again.

You know what’s next…

Enjoy or endure!.

.

rofl

.

Just been to Greenwich in London.

Had a mean time.

London-Greenwich_Mean_Time

.

.

There’s something I don’t like

about using touch screen technology

I just can’t put my finger on it.

touch screen technology

.

.

I’ve just been offered

a free sky diving experience.

I’m not falling for it.

sky diving

.

.

‘It’s the quiet ones that you’ve got to watch’

Especially at mime shows.

mime shows

.

.

My new bulimia charity campaign

has been quite successful.

I’ve received a lot of feedback.

bulimia girl

.

.

What do you call

an Indian in a cupboard?

A hiding Sikh.

sikh park 6

.

.

What is a cocaine addicts

favorite type of joke?

A one liner

one line of coke

.

.

Shotgun wedding:

A case of wife or death.

Shotgun wedding

.

.

A French man walks in to a chiropodists and says

“I’ve got problems with defeat”

feet

.

.

I’ve started dating couches,

but I’ve had no luck sofa.

sofa

.

.

It’s hard to say what my sister does,

working for a travel agency.

She sells Seychelles overseas tours.

working for a travel agency

.

.

I always get back on my bike when I fall off.

I’m a firm believer in recycling.

get back on my bike

.

.

My friend, Angus finds it funny

not to pronounce the letter ‘g’.

Bit of an asshole really.

angus

.

.

I had a dream last night that

our local Market had shrunk.

I woke up and thought,

“That’s a little Bazaar.”

a little Bazaar

.

.

I just came back from a Blur concert.

I didn’t see much.

.

.

==============================================

.

I Can’t Believe Pretzels Are Knot Bread.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Get it?

Pretzels, knot bread?

Never mind. Time to unravel a few more word plays.

It’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Here’s a good one for you,

Good one.

good one

.

.

I went to the museum to feed the animals

But they were all stuffed

stuffed animals in museum

.

.

Those disposable cameras

are a complete con.

Now I have absolutely no record

of a perfectly lovely holiday.

 

disposable cameras.

.

My girlfriend said she was going to

leave me because of my obsession with

pointing out inanimate objects…

So I showed her the door.

man pointing

.

.

My son has been asked

to sign for his local team.

To be honest,

I never knew they were deaf.

boy with foorball

.

.

Cadbury’s have brought out

a new box of chocolates

for inconsiderate people.

They’re self centered.

Cadbury's

.

.

I run a business selling tiny models

of Buddha and Mohammed.

Sales aren’t the best but

I’m making small prophets.

tiny model of buddha

.

.

Everyone’s blaming me for the

animal noises on the video conference at work.

Seems I’ve been made into a Skypegoat.

skype_logo

.

.

The English language

is the best in the world.

It just has a certain…

je ne sais quoi.

je ne sais quoi

.

.

My family abandoned me,

my ex-girlfriend took everything I own,

and my children hate me

all because of my constant optimism.

Still, it could be worse.

optimism

.

.

My wife asked me for a

new wardrobe last Christmas,

so I got her one.

Turns out she just wanted clothes

new wardrobe

.

.

I’m looking forward

to my dirty weekend.

Wash the car,

clean the garden,

take rubbish out……

dirty weekend

.

.

I got water trapped in my ears

after having a shower this morning.

It was a near deaf experience.

water trapped in my ears

.

.

If you like women

as well as the next man

you’re probably bi-sexual.

Bisexual!

.

.

What’s the temperature in Motown ?

Three degrees, four tops…

.

.

======================================

.

To Be Fair, It Needs To Stop Raining.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But of course sometimes life isn’t fair.

Sometimes it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Tink my postmn is a thif

My leters keep gong misin

Postman Donald

.

.

I asked a French bloke

if he played video games.

He said Wii.

Postman Donald

.

.

Chickens don’t have friends.

They only have pen pals.

chickens in pen

.

.

I was sent on an anger management course.

Apparently it’s all the rage.

anger_management_training

.

.

Chewbacca forgets to delete his history before

letting his girlfriend use his computer

….wookie error

Chewbacca

.

.

My brother takes part in a weather

predicting contest every month.

He’s the raining champion.

raining

.

.

I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl…

She never looked forward to anything.

cross eyed girl

.

.

There was a knock at the front door.

My wife answered it and said to me

there’s a man at the door with a bald head’‘.

I said ‘‘tell him to get lost, I’ve already got one’

man at the door with a bald head

.

.

I’m directing a cowboy movie called ‘The Sun’.

It’s set in the west.

sunset monument valley

.

.

My wife just spent $100 getting a bikini wax.

What a flipping rip off.

cartoon bikini wax

.

.

Is anyone here called Allen?

I think I found your keys

allen-keys

.

.

I’m an alcoholic and have frittered the best 

years of my life away looking at the world

through the bottom of a glass.

All I ask for is another shot.

another shot

.

.

There’s a certain stigma attached

to reproduction organs,

especially in flowers.

crocus_stigma

.

.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu,

wanted to illegally live in America.

The brothers decide to change

their names to seem more American.

Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu got sent back to China.

three Chinese brothers

.

.

I went to a Motown reunion last night and

promised myself I wouldn’t suck up to any of the artists…

But The Temptations were there.

.

.

======================================

.

 

Cashiers Are Always Checking Me Out.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And now it’s time for you to check out this week’s selection of word plays.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

If you believe binoculars are overrated

then look no further.

binoculars

.

.

I hate it when I run out of Staples.

So do their security guards. 

Staples

.

.

Dying cats pink, what’s next?

A Navy Seal?

pink-cat

.

.

I spent most of last night in jail.

Try as I might, I just couldn’t roll a double.

go-to-jail-monopoly

.

.

I missed my bus this morning.

I really shouldn’t get so sentimental about public transport.

Public Transport - Bus

.

.

I’ve been asked out by a number of sexy women this week.

That number is sadly zero.

zero

.

.

A young man called directory assistance.

“Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number

for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”

the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said,

“Well, most people call me E Z.” 

Best-Street-Name-af

.

.

When James Bond is out of his home country

of England, is he known as +44 07?

shoe_phone

.

.

I saw a sign in a shop- ‘Mosquito nets £10’

I didn’t even know bugs could play the lottery.

Mosquito nets

.

.

I told my mate that, in order to get laid,

I’d promised my girlfriend that

I’d marry her in the summer.

He said, “July?”

I said, “Of course I did.”

red-white-blue-july-1

.

.

I once went out with a girl with

fiery red hair and a pale thin body.

I met her on Match.com

Match.com_logo

.

.

I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.

I just drifted off.

rafting

.

.

My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all

the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.

I’ll never see her in the same light again.

energy efficient light bulbs

.

.

It was my anniversary last week.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted

oral sex or a new pair of shoes…

I went head over heels. 

head over heels

.

.

I’ve just watched a fantastic

movie with a twist at the end…

Oliver.

.

.

=====================================

.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro… I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I hope you stick around too, because it’s another Pun Day.

You know the drill….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

My little cousin has been diagnosed with an unusual case of OCD

where all he does all day is organize dinner plates by the year they were made,

It’s an extremely rare dish-order

spinning-plates

.

.

I’ve written my own book

called 50 Shades of Gravy.

It’s very saucy.

gravy

.

.

I’m an easy target for muggers.

Take it from me.

mugger

.

.

I knew I had failed my Braille exam at the time.

It just felt wrong.

Braille exam

.

.

“How’s your new stairlift nan?”

“It’s driving me up the wall.”

stairlift

.

.

Just finished an experiment to find

the best cure for hiccups.

The result was a big surprise.

Hiccups-Scare

.

.

I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.

It was an act of pointless violence.

blunt pencil

.

.

I just took some pills and now my pupils look massive!

I really shouldn’t take hallucinogenic drugs while teaching.

The Simpsons Homer Dilated Pupil

.

.

The wife would like us to feel a gentle and relaxing breeze

all over our bodies when we have sex.

I’m not a fan.

fan

.

.

I thought I’d dug up an unknown

species of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil arm

.

.

Do you think eating horse meat

would give you the trots?

the trots

.

.

I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton

James Bond movies for her birthday,

but she wasn’t happy.

I think she was expecting Moore.

roger_moore___007

.

.

Hungry astronomers don’t like galaxies,

they prefer something that’s a little meteor.

meteor

.

.

I have an Eskimo fetish,

but most people just aren’t that Inuit.

Selawik-Eskimo-Woman

.

.

I’ve booked a table at one of those new

Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.

They’re for people who love meat tender.

.

.

=======================================

.

Highlighter Pens Are The Future. Mark My Words!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Mark my words indeed.

It’s Pun Day again.

Enjoy or endure!

.

 

rofl

.

Know what’s odd?

About every other number.

odd numbers

.

.

When I asked my best friend to be my best man,

he said he was “speechless”.

So I said, “You’re no good, I’ll find someone else”.

Best_man by Martin Stratton

.

.

I always win at Twister.

Hands down.

Nintendo_Twister_26

.

.

On reflection,

vampires aren’t that scary.

Vampire reflection

.

.

I’ve just seen a huge Egyptian woman

sticking her ass out the window of a car.

It was a two-ton car moon.

mooned

.

.

My neighbor Dave has drunk many

weird and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

cologne

.

.

As they say in France,

one man’s fish

is another man’s poisson.

 

poisson

.

.

Everything is easier said than done.

Except procrastination.

procrastination

.

.

“I’ve got two words for you”

“I can’t count”

can't count

.

.

Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife,

we realized that there was only enough oxygen left

for one of us to get back down.

So I did the descent thing…

abseiling

.

.

I recently wrote an essay on the “Communist Manifesto”.

Unfortunately I didn’t really understand the topic,

so I got no Marx.

karl marx

.

.

Calvin Klein were supposed to

be bringing out a new fragrance…

But it was just aroma.

Calvin Klein perfume

.

.

The Sahara Desert walks into a bar

The barman says, “Long time no sea.”

Sahara Desert

.

.

Discovery Channel are releasing a new series about wildlife.

The first program is called “Siamese Ducks”.

It’s a double bill.

double bill

.

.

The wife will go spare when she finds out

I’ve lost her only copy of Beethoven’s Unfinished symphony.

I’ll never hear the end of it.

.

.

========================================

.