Can You Believe It? I’ve Run Out Of Puns!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Okay, wipe that smirk off your faces.

Of course I haven’t run out of puns. Whoever would believe such a thing.

And just to prove it, here are some more.

Enjoy, I know you will.

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I ate the burger with relish.

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Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens ?

A: Because all they would say was ” Bach , Bach ………Bach , Bach”

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You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic.

But where is the proof?

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The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.

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When they said I was mad I went out and got drunk.

I guess it was a choice between having a bottle in front of me

or a frontal lobotomy.

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When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.

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Coffee is for mugs

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Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

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My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.”

I thought great, threw on some shorts and

flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find

our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

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There’s no denying it, Rap is 75% Crap

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I just saw an advert for the new film: ‘The Hole – Now in 3D!’

Well, surely it has to be in 3D otherwise it’s just a circle.

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You invented White Out didn’t you?

Correct me If I’m wrong….

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A lot of stupid people who don’t keep up with current

affairs still don’t know who Kim Jong Un is.

Duhhh, she is the leader of North Korea.

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An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being

sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.

So I guess it’s no more mist and ice guy.

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Q. What makes a riot?

A. Three dyslexics.

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A colleague just burst into my office

while I was busy working

and demanded to know what an

electrical synapse in the human body was.

The nerve.

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Did you hear about the guy who got his thrills

by shoving resistors up his bottom.

He definitely sounds like an Ohmosexual to me.

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My internet bride got delivered today.

She’s the WiFi always dreamed of.

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If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

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Finally some news from this week on the stock market.

Helium was up, but feathers were down.

Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points.

Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline.

Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom.

The raisin market has dried up.

Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.

Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.

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Sex While Camping: It’s Intense!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little word play, get it? Intense? In tents??

Okay, okay.

Yes, it’s pun day. And they get better (or worse) than that.

So, enjoy!

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Today my girlfriend told me on the phone

that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

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Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing

coming from a parked van.

But, when they looked,

it was just a kid napping.

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Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry’s with a DVD.

I couldn’t be bothered to wash a spoon.

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Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering,
‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X,

a long side, Y,

and hypotenuse, Z,

then the square of Z must be equal to

the sum of the square of X and the square of,

erm… uh…’

The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

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My friend asked me:

“What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

“Chinese,” I replied.

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My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.

He asked was she hot.

I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

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I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.

As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted

“Whatever you do, don’t look down”.

So I started smiling.

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My house was repossessed at the weekend

but I don’t blame the bank.

It’s that useless priest not doing

the exorcism properly in the first place.

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My wife said we would have less arguments

if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I said, “FEWER ARGUMENTS”. 

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A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed

twenty pots of White Out this morning.

Big mistake.

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I’m thinking about turning rastafarian,

but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair…

I’m dreading it.

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People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname,

but I can live with it.

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I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

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I needed some milk this morning,

so I went round to my neighbors

and asked them through the window.

“We’re all out,” they replied.

“No you’re not,” I said. “I can hear you in there.”

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Every time I pour a round of drinks,

it goes all over the place.

I think I need glasses.

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Drinking with a speech impediment

Is a whisky business.

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My friend never had the courage to get married,

But he has been engaged quite a few times.

So there’s been quite a few near Mrs.

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After I won the local pub quiz last night

two gorgeous blondes came over to me.

The first one said,

“We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy.”

The second blonde said,

“Do you know what three way is?”

I replied,

“Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that

if they want to get the better of me,

I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub.

Btw, the name’s “Freeway” not “Three way” dummy!

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Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking, that’s about the same.

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At any time, the temptation to sing

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

is never more than a whim away.

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