Being Calm Is Not Something I Rate.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


But of course something I do rate are puns.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!!




Polce Toay Announce They Are

Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

ID Thefts



I hate washing up liquid.

Washing up solids is much simpler.

washing up liquid



My girlfriend is leaving me because I’ve got alopecia.

oh well it’s hair loss.




Cryptographers make terrible drummers.

They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.




My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.

All I do is sit around and stuff.




My son is cold and calculating

I’ve turned the heating off whilst

he does his maths homework.




Got an insurance quote today for my car.

They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.

I thought, “Who’d nick a car that was on fire?”

"Why's your fire-and-theft policy so cheap?"



“When might we take the kids to Disneyland?”

the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, “May.”

It’s been a blast watching her pack,

and the kids getting excited.

All I did was correct her grammar.




A man walked over to a kid playing with a

huge lizard and asked if he could see it.

After fiddling around with it for a few moments,

he asked what its name was.

The kid replied with, “Tiny.”

“How on Earth did you ever get a name like that

for such a huge creature?” the man asked in awe.

The kid replied with, “Because he’s my newt!”




My wife is a mute.

She communicates by embroidery.

It’s her own version of sign language,

sew to speak.




I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory

after all the extra hours I put in.

clock factory



I heard vandals have broken into

an origami exhibition

and ruined all the exhibits.

Police are trying to work out

how it all unfolded.




My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells

and told me I had to lift them all

over the next quarter of an hour.

Weight a minute…

fifteen heavy dumbbells



What do you call seafood in a cement mixer?

Hardcore prawn.

cement mixer



News just in:

Stevie Nicks has announced her

engagement to William Shatner.

When they get married she will

be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.





More Of Those Questions That Needed To Be Asked…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


Another selection of those questions that needed to be asked, although people hardly ever do. Sadly there are no answers with them, so you can make up your own if you want to.




Can a black person join the KKK?


When lightning strikes the ocean why don’t all the fish die?


When two men get married to each other, do they both go to the same bachelor party?


If a guy who was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?


Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?


Why is it that before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, and on 9/11 they never used it?


If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?


Who was Sadie Hawkins?


If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?


Why do we sing ‘Rock a bye baby’ to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?


If parents say, ‘Never take candy from strangers’ then why do we celebrate Halloween and teach them to take candy from strangers?


Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?


Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?


What does ‘PU’ stand for (as in ‘PU, that stinks!’)?


Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?


If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?


Why do people never say ‘it’s only a game’ when they’re winning?


Do you yawn in your sleep?


How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings.


Do you wake up or open your eyes first?