Whoever Invented The Selfie Needs To Take A Good Look At Themselves.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And since it’s pun day again you need to take a good look at this latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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What do you call

a German on speaker phone?

Hans Free

cartoon hands free

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‘Sugar’

is the only word in the English language

in which the S, is pronounced ‘sh’.

I’m sure of that.

sh

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My brother has had to

close down his archery business.

In the first 12 months 

he didn’t hit any of his targets .

archery-target

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Ten years in the same job and

not once have I been in the boss’s office.

That’s what got me fired as a cleaner.

cleaner

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Just been mugged and beaten up.

I tried to defend myself with a drawing pin.

Turns out a tac isn’t the best form of defense after all.

tac

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Before we split up, my wife

was obsessed with horoscopes.

I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.

taurus

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I was on the freeway when a guy driving in the other direction

started flashing his lights, beeping his horn and screaming,

“You’re going the wrong way!”

What an idiot.

He didn’t even know where I was going.

A-Motorist-Driving-the-Wrong-Way

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What has a pee at

the end of a tram?

A tramp.

cartoon tramp

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Breaking News:

Man arrested over missing woman

Imagine if he’d hit her???

breaking news

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Adoption jokes –

There’s never a good time to tell them.

adopted

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I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand.

Why should she be the only one with

somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

night stand lamp

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I threw three DVDs at exactly the same time

to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.

DVDs

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My wife called me into the bathroom

and asked me to wash her back.

I don’t remember her

washing me in the first place.

washing back

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Erectile dysfunction;

just when you thought

it couldn’t get any harder.

checking_for_signs_of_life

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My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that 

I have been cheating on her with Clara next door.

Last night, she packed her things and left.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

Take it away Johnny….

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Can You Answer Any Of These Conundrums? Or Should That Be Conundra??

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well if you can answer the question in the title of this post then you’re off to a good start. I know what my speel chekkar says, and I think that it is wrong.

Which brings me to another short semi-rant in the form of a question. Why does the WordPress speel chekkar keep highlighting the word “wordpress” as being spelled incorrectly?

Think on that as you tackle the rest of today’s (cue the wavy red line)  conundra!

Enjoy.

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If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

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When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

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If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

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If corn can’t hear, why does it have an ear?

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If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

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If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?

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If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?

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If I save time, when do I get it back?

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If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

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If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

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If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

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If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

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If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?

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Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

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If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands?

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More Monday Madness – It’s Quiz Show Answers Time Again

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another Monday and more quiz show answers. Those that know about these things tell me that the universe is expanding. All I can tell you it would need to be expanding fast because the amount of stupidity in the world is accelerating at a phenomenal rate.

Want proof?

Read on….(and enjoy)

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Q: An article of clothing kids usually don’t like wearing   

A: Gap 

 

 

Q: An occupation in which you disguise your appearance           

A: Doctor

 

 

Q: Name something women borrow from each other      

A: Husbands

 

 

Q: Name a bad place to look for good husband material

A: Family Reunion

 

 

Q: Name something you put under a pillow        

A: Radio

 

 

Q: An astronaut

A: Neil Young

 

 

Q: Name something a man wears to bed           

A: Condom

 

 

Q: Name a room in the house where the family gathers   

A: Bathroom

 

 

Q: Name something people do when they’re alone         

A: Make love

 

 

Q: Name something starting with “egg”  

A: Excellent

A: Eggland

 

 

Q: Someone you’d never want to see the results of your IQ test 

A: The IRS

 

 

Q: Name a pie that does not contain fruit           

A: Lemon Meringue

 

 

Q: An ugly color           

A: Puce

 

 

Q: The one thing people know about Rosie O’Donnell.   

A: That she was the wife on the TV show “Roseanne”

 

 

Q: Name something a wife tells her husband to put on   

A: Makeup

 

 

Q: Name something a woman out on a date would hate to discover on her face  

A: Booger

 

 

Q: Name a department in a supermarket

A: Lingerie

 

 

Q: Name something you keep in the drawer beside your bed      

A: Contraceptives

 

 

Q: Name a magazine that many men get subscriptions to as gifts           

A: Playgirl

 

 

Q: The one word that people yell at the end of a performance    

A: “I love you.” 

 

 

Q: Someone Bugs Bunny might invite to his birthday party         

A: Doc 

 

 

Q: Name something that might get backed up   

A: Trash

A: Yourself

 

 

Q: Name something you know about Rudy Giuliani        

A: Absolutely nothing

 

 

Q: Name something you’d yell at if it stopped working   

A: Spouse

 

 

Q: Name a game show title that best describes your marriage    

A: Happy Days 

 

 

Q: Name a food that’s red on the inside

A: Kiwi 

 

 

Q: The talent show with the crankiest judges, past or present      

A: America’s Funniest Home Videos

 

 

Q: Name something you wash once a week       

A: Self 

 

 

Q: Name a TV show with the word “family” in it, past or present  

A: My Three Sons

 

 

Q: One of Santa’s reindeer        

A: Nixon

 

 

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