“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
It’s been a while since I raided the court archives. So here are a few more examples of the level of intelligence you can expect, not only from untrained Joe Public called to give evidence, but from the supposedly highly trained lawyers, supposedly!
District Attorney: What happened next, Ma’am?
Witness: He unzipped his pants and pulled out his subpoena.
Judge: Any motions, counsel?
Counsel: I move to dismiss, Your Honor. All my client did was pull out a subpoena. There’s no law against that.
Judge: Counsel, if the witness doesn’t know the difference between a penis and a subpoena that’s her problem. Held to answer!
Judge: If that be your verdict, so say you all
2 Jurors: “you all”
Judge: Any member of your immediate family or yourself ever been the victim of a crime or robbery?
Juror: My mother had her purse snatched
Judge: How long ago was that?
Juror: Ten, fifteen years ago
Judge: Was she hurt at all in the snatch?
Judge: What made you bite the police officer?
Witness: He stuck his arm in my mouth
Q: Were you the lone ranger on duty that night?
A: I was a park ranger on duty that night
Q: I mean the only one, the lone
A: You mean alone?
A: Yes, I was
Q: Do you speak Spanish, Officer?
A: Yes, I do
Q: Are you fluent in Spanish?
A: Yes, I do
Q: Are you being selective about what you remember and what you don’t remember as to the details of your previous record?
A: I don’t remember.
Q: Do you have any problem with the English language?
A: No, I speak very good English.
Q: Great. Do you know Andre?
A: That’s my cousin.
Q: Have you known him all your life?
A: Since we grewed up.
Q: Now, do you recall the date the accident occurred?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What date was it?
A: It was a hot day in August.
Q: Did you drink any alcohol?
A: No, sir.
Q: Are you a teetotaler?
A: Not really. Just coffee once in a while, like in the morning.
Q: And y’all had a very intimate relationship, didn’t you, Ms. A?
A: We had sex two times. It wasn’t very intimate.
A: Yeah, I used to be around with him a lot. Me and his nephew run together.?
Q: Who is his nephew?
A: Pokey. I think he’s doing time now.
Q: Pokey is Kenny’s nephew and is doing time now? Are you saying Pokey is in the pokey?
District Attorney: Defense Counsel is accountable to you (the jury)
Counsel: Judge I object to that. I object to him referring to me as a cannibal, Judge
Judge: He said accountable
Counsel: A what?
Judge: He said accountable, not a cannibal
Counsel: It sounded like cannibal to me and I object