“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
How often have you seen “The Opportunity Of A Lifetime” pop up on the internet or in your email?
This time it’s different, though.
This time it’s true!
Well, sort of.
Because this is your chance to own what is possibly the stupidest dog in the world.
And it won’t cost you anything either, we’re giving him away to the first good home
If you are stupid, and you want a companion at least as stupid as you are, if not more so, this is the perfect dog for you.
His name is ‘Scotty’, (and, yes, I have asked to be “beamed up” several times), but don’t let the name put you off.
You can call him anything you like, ‘Rover’, ‘Patch’, ‘Lassie’, ‘Monday’, ‘Tuesday’, ‘Wednesday’, ‘November’, or whatever, because it’s all the same to him – this dog is so dumb he doesn’t even know his own name.
His lack of knowledge is on such a vast scale I’m astounded the known Universe is expanding rapidly enough to contain it.
He doesn’t know how to sit. He doesn’t know how to stay. He doesn’t know how to come, or to stop, or to heel, or anything you can teach a normal dog to do.
He just doesn’t know anything.
And you won’t have to waste your time and money training him either, because this dog just cannot learn. Believe me I have done my best!
He is painfully stupid in at least the four different languages we have tried. He doesn’t speak English, nor does he hablar español, he hasn’t a clue how to parler francais, and you might as well try to speak klingon as sprechen Deutsch to him.
A big plus is that he is small and won’t eat you out of house and home. All you have to remember to do is buy cat food and not dog food and you’ll be fine. The cat beats him up every time he eats her food, but he doesn’t learn from that either. I don’t think he even knows he’s a dog.
The only one thing he has learned, is not to shit in the house, but in truth I think this has more to do with the fact that every time he tried he discovered he couldn’t with my toe up his arse.
He barks at strangers, which is good. And if he left it at that we wouldn’t mind.
But he also barks at people he knows, or rather, people he should know if he had the brains to remember who they were, which he hasn’t.
And some of the time he barks at nothing at all. It can go on for ages because, when he does bark at nothing, he must hear his own bark, think it’s another dog, and off he goes. Sometimes you can look at his face and watch him trying to figure it out.
“Who said that? Grrrrr.”
“There it is again!”
“Woof! Woof! Woof!”
“There’s another dog here somewhere.”
“Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!”
And on it goes for a while, until it stops for no reason, the same way it started.
He also doesn’t know his left back leg belongs to him. When he notices it is there, he attacks it as if it is another animal trying to insert itself into his leg socket. I’ve seen other dogs chasing their tail, but this is just ridiculous.
Finally, every time the front gate is opened, he has taken to running down the street after bicycles and motorbikes – that he doesn’t know how to ride – and after cars and other vehicles – that he doesn’t know how to drive. What he would do with them if he ever caught one I just don’t know! Neither does he, but he does it anyway.
Somehow, and I find this rather incredible – and disappointing – he has always managed to find his way back home. I think it’s because he tries every other house on the way back and we are the only one silly enough to let him back in. I’ve told everyone to pretend they don’t know him when he turns up and he’ll just move on to the next house and then next, but they won’t listen to me.
So come on good people of the blogsphere, which of you is going to take advantage of this incredible opportunity of a lifetime?
You know how much I love dogs, I’ve said so before on this blog, but please get in touch as soon as you can and take this stupid dog off our hands before I crack up completely!
My father gave me a lot of good advice, and one of the things he told me many years ago was never to get a dog whose arsehole was bigger than its brain.
I should have listened!