Hey, I Just Realized That Nothing In The Dictionary Begins With An ‘N’.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

If you haven’t guessed already, welcome to the first pun day of 2014.

Well, somebody has to stick up for the mighty word play, so it might as well be me.

Love to hate or hate to love here is this year’s first selection – the first of many I hope!

Enjoy.

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I got a new reversible jacket for Christmas.

I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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Whenever I have had a bad day I console myself

by playing with my Playstation.

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Jamaican newspapers have asserted

that certain strains of marijuana can cure migraines.

Clearly propaganja.

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I took part in a bondage contest last night.

I was tied third.

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I think the people at Apple are so lucky.

They still get paid even after they’ve lost their jobs.

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Our little boy was rushed to hospital at the weekend,

after he’d swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

They’ve given him laxatives but as of yet,

there hasn’t been a word out of him.

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I suppose you could say that a voyeur

was a peep hole person.

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When I was a kid I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

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Me and the wife were at the hardware store choosing a new kitchen.

She asked me, “Do you reckon we could fit that sink in the car?”

Stupid woman, doesn’t she know cars don’t have any plumbing?

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I went to a theme park that had the world’s largest pool table.

The cues were massive.

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Say what you will about Columbus,

but he did put America on the map.

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My wife is a vet and a great cook.

But I refuse to eat anything that she puts down in front of me.

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When they eventually colonize Mars

there’s going to be another housing bubble.

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Although it seemed to go on forever

Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes.

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“You ok Dave?”

“I’m not sure…

my Doctor did a rectal exam on me this morning.”

“Oh right. Prostate?”

“No, bent over his desk.”

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Then There Was The Dyslexic Man Who Walked Into A Bra….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another short selection of punny jokes today.

Strong language warning on one of them for those likely to be offended by such things.

Enjoy! 

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What banned weapon can you use to kill slugs?

A salt rifle.

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If you owned a secret, underground fajita shop, would you keep it under wraps?

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I dated a girl from the Phillippines, she was a contortionist.

I called her my ‘Manila folder’

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I couldn’t understand why my mobile’s battery always seems to be flat.

Then I realized had it been any other shape, it wouldn’t fit in my phone.

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I knew a man who killed himself with a cyanide capsule.

That was a bitter pill to swallow.

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Some people think animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

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I hate puns about perforated things – they’re tearable.

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You would think that these herbs & spices puns would have died out by now.

But no, they just keep on Cumin.

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Paddy goes into a hardware store & asks to buy a sink.

“Would you like one with a plug?” says the assistant.

Paddy replies, “Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric!”

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Woman goes into a butcher’s…

“I’d like an oxtail please”.

“Certainly”, replies the butcher,

“Once upon a time there was an ox…”

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One day I phoned with the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama.

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Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.

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I took my wife to the doctor yesterday, he examined her and said, “I’ll be perfectly honest… I don’t like the look of her.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said, “but she’s a good cook and the kids think the world of her!”

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I bought a Valentine’s Day card for everyone at our local Tourette’s Society.

It’s the thought that cunts.

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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’’

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, it’s not unusual.”

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Punchy Punitive Punditry Today? – No, Just More Puny Pungent Puns!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes it’s another selection of those groan-making jokes carefully wrapped up in the thing we call puns.

Enjoy, if you can.

 

 

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

 

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

 

A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

 

Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.

 

If you give some managers an inch they think they’re a ruler.

 

Gravity is studied a lot because it’s a very attractive field.

 

Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.

 

Prison walls are never built to scale.

 

There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of concentration.

 

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

 

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

 

The poet had written better poems, but he’d also written verse.

 

There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

 

Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

 

What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married?

Can’t elope.

 

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

 

Did you hear about the guy who sent ten puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

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