I Love Grandfather Clocks. Big Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And I love puns as well.

So brace yourselves for another selection of word plays.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

It pains me to say it,

but I have a sore throat

 sore throat

.

.

There was a knock at the door this morning,

so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, “I’d better let this sink in.”

 sink

.

.

For the record I bought

a vinyl cleaning machine

 record

.

.

Having just punched a midget selling watches,

I know I’ve hit an all time low.

 watches

.

.

Are there any fat people in Finland?

 fat people in Finland

.

.

Have you ever wondered what the

word for ‘dot’ looks like in braille?

 braille

.

.

My girlfriend broke up with me

because of my obsession with puzzles.

There were a lot of cross words

 crossword

.

.

I can’t undo wrongs.

But I can write them.

 write

.

.

A friend dared me to steal a

flat-bottomed boat from the river.

I thought, “Why not. I’ll take a punt.”

 punt

.

.

Everyone loved the baker.

He had a massive flan base.

 massive flan

.

.

I don’t regard being a toastmaster a job,

it’s more a calling.

 toastmaster

.

.

The ten largest baseball stadiums hold

between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

 baseball stadium

.

.

My girlfriend asked me what I’d do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, “Do you mean it would be pointless?”

I said, “No, I’d just go out and buy another one.”

 breaking a pencil

.

.

I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.

They scare the crap out of me.

ghost-shaped laxative

.

===============================

.

Understanding what is beyond the horizon is beyond me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But puns I do understand.

What is a little more puzzling is why I like them and why so many others do as well.

Still, we can figure out that conundrum another time.

For now it’s another Pun Day, so….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box

and it’s not much good.

It doesn’t surprise me.

 cheap Jack-in-a-box

.

.

Some guy came up to me in the street today

and said “Wow, you look odd.”

I replied “Well, so do you.”

“Guess that made us even.”

 odd and even

.

.

I’ve just come back from the corner shop.

I bought four corners.

 corner shop

.

.

So King Abdullah died,

that should sheikh things up a bit.

 King Abdullah

.

.

I’ve got a part time job for a company

making rubberized computer keyboards.

It’s flexible shifts.

 rubberized computer keyboards

.

.

Someone stopped me while I was jogging

this morning to ask why I had

duct tape over my mouth.

I didn’t answer.

It’s a running gag.

 duct tape over mouth

.

.

A friend of mine bought a second hand

deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas,

but after four weeks they hadn’t arrived.

When he asked for an update, they said

they were still dealing with his order.

 Las Vegas casino card packs

.

.

Did you hear about the fisherman

who was learning Spanish

He got lost at Si

 fisherman

.

.

I’m currently reading a book about

North African invaders during

Medieval times and can’t put it down.

Its very moorish.

 A Moor

.

.

I looked up the definition of

the word “arbitrary” today.

For no particular reason.

 arbitrary definition

.

.

My boss said,

“As part of our cost-saving drive we are

installing energy-efficient lights in the toilets.

They work on a motion detection system.”

I replied,

“That’s all fair and well, but what if

someone’s just going in for a pee?”

 CalvinPeeGIF

.

.

A storm has ripped through

my coconut farm…

I’m desiccated.

 coconut cracked

.

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Whenever I find a pretty girl

I look for intelligence.

Because if she doesn’t have that,

then she’s mine!

 cute-cartoon-girl-20910042

.

.

I always ask too many questions.

Does anybody know why this is?

 too many questions

.

.

I text a friend the other day asking him

who his favorite composer is.

Surprisingly, he didn’t text Bach.

.

.

==================================

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Ebay Accounts Are Forbidden.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Sadly WordPress doesn’t let you bid on these posts either. I wonder why not?

Still, never mind, we have another Pun Day to look forward too now.

So….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

WANTED:

Assistant required to fill

hourglasses with sand.

No timewasters.

 hourglasses

.

.

When bakers have a fight

They go at it all Buns Glazing.

 bakers fight buns

.

.

My friend is really interested in magnets.

Personally, I can’t see the attraction.

 magnets

.

.

Some bloke just barged into my caravan

accusing me of being the world’s worst psychic.

I don’t know what he was thinking.

 world's worst psychic

.

.

I entered a cartoonist competition today,

there were five of us in it,

we drew..

 cartoonist drawing

.

.

How do trespassers get in your house?

Intruder window.

 Intruder window

.

.

This morning a beautiful blonde

came up to me in the street

and wrote her phone number on my hand

in bright yellow felt tip pen…

… It was the highlight of my day !

 bright yellow felt tip pen

.

.

I gave my son a faceless coin.

He couldn’t make head nor tails of it.

 faceless coin

.

.

If I see one more person misuse an apostrophe

I think Ill go completely nut’s !

 misuse an apostrophe

.

.

I am permanently hooked up to a device

which gives me an electric shock

if I say something negative.

It’s not ideal, but I can’t complain

 electric shock

.

.

I’ve noticed that chess players

always close the door behind them

Do you think they don’t like draughts?

 chess game thomas crown affair

.

.

Somebody closed the lid on my piano.

Now i can’t open it because the keys are inside.

 closed lid on piano

.

.

My friend has just directed his

own under-budget documentary,

“Living with the World’s Smallest Bath”.

I thought I’d give him a little plug.

 little plug

.

.

You can tell the sex of an ant

by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant

 jug of water

.

.

The number of people who shout

“Boo!”

to their friends has risen by 85%.

That’s a frightening statistic.

 .

.

===================================

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Nails Are One Thing You Don’t Want To Screw With.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Neither is Pun Day.

Another selection of wonderful word play for you to….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long

it seems like a maternity.

 pregnancy

.

.

How many nihilists does it take

to sharpen a pencil?

One, but there’s still no point.

 nihilists

.

.

I dropped my barometer earlier.

Just couldn’t handle the pressure.

 barometer

.

.

What do you call a man

with three balls?

…a juggler.

 juggler

.

.

Uncle Ben found dead.

No more Mr Rice guy.

 Uncle Ben

.

.

I just invented a joke about helium.

Unfortunately it doesn’t go down well.

 helium

.

.

You know that you’re getting old

when your narrow waist swaps

places with your broad mind.

 getting old

.

.

Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned,

spilling its load across the freeway.

Police are combing the area.

 boxes of wigs

.

.

I saw a woman crying as she

was buying tampons earlier.

Must be going through a

tough period in her life.

 woman crying

.

.

This man was about to throw dough,

cheese and tomatoes at me.

I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

 pizza

.

.

Looking after my kid is

proving to be expensive.

I’ve just had to buy a baby monitor,

for crying out loud.

 baby monitor

.

.

The hospital told me there is a problem

with my son’s blood and he should have

a plasma screen as soon as possible.

They were going to charge me $10,000,

but I managed to buy him a 50″ HDTV

in WalMart for less than a grand.

 50 inch HDTV

.

.

Now I hear that the NSA are employing

dwarfs to break into people’s homes

and install listening devices.

The little buggers.

 little buggers

.

.

What happens if you swallow uranium?

You get atomic ache.

 uranium alert

.

.

What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round

and decorates your bathroom?

Bonnie Tiler.

.

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=====================================

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Ugh, Communism Just Has No Class.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Communism may have no class but clever word play certainly does.

That’s our cue for another Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I’m against picketing,

but I don’t know how to show it.

against picketing

.

.

I saw a man walking along the street

with a t-shirt that said ‘Free Hugs’.

I don’t know who ‘Hugs’ is,

but I’m sure they should release him.

t-shirt 'Free Hugs'

.

.

I went for a job interview at 

my local sandwich shop today.

As an aptitude test, the shop owner

asked me to make a beef sandwich

using only a spoon.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the job

– I couldn’t cut the mustard.

sandwich shop

 

.

.

A committee is a group of people

who keep minutes and lose hours.

A committee

.

.

I was given the sack at work last month.

I suppose you have to expect that

when you play Santa Clause.

play Santa Clause

.

.

I can’t speak for anyone else,

but I think I’m a terrible ventriloquist.

terrible ventriloquist

.

.

My girlfriend talked me into putting

table salt into my bath today.

I think I’ve been brine washed.

table salt into my bath

.

.

I saw a strange white bear at the zoo today.

It was mating with a female bear then it

suddenly it tried mating with a male bear.

I think it’s Bi Polar.

white bear at the zoo

.

.

Never employ someone who’s obsessed with graphs.

They’ll always be plotting behind your back.

graph

.

.

I got a real telling off yesterday

when we were visiting grandma.

She has a very hairy upper lip

and when we were leaving, she asked

me why I wouldn’t kiss her good bye.

Apparently my answer, “Sorry, must-dash,”

wasn’t the best choice of words.

hairy upper lip

.

.

How does an angry Muslim close a door?

Islams it.

door slam

.

.

I’ve just seen a sign in the post office that said

“Stamps sold by the book”.

It’s good to know that someone follows the rules.

book of stamps

.

.

I decided to open an

exclusive hotel and casino

for people who have epilepsy.

It’s called Seizure’s Palace.

Seizure's Palace

.

.

I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds.

The cashier said, “Have you got a store card?”

I said, “No but I did get a budgie excited once.”

pet shop

.

.

My friend has just rung to say

he’s bought a bubble car.

He’s going to pop round in it later.

bubble car

.

=====================================

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China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 two silk worms had a race

.

.

If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 belt made of watches

.

.

I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 logarithms brand of laxative

.

.

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 mirror

.

.

A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 maze

.

.

I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 mustered mustard

.

.

I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 National Nudity Day

.

.

My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

cut himself with a razor shaving

 

.

.

My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 Scrabble

.

.

A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 eraser at both ends of a pencil

.

.

A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 flaming g

.

.

My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 clipart comedian

.

.

What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 query

.

.

My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 a true story

.

.

Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

.

.

==========================================

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Maths Puns Are The First Sine Of Madness.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I wonder what the second sine is?

But let’s not go off at a tangent.

Let’s just enjoy another Pun Day instead.

.

rofl

.

The first rule of Innuendo Club is

you can only enter via the back door.

 please use back door

.

.

I’ve been sitting here all day trying to

think of anagrams of the word ‘wired’

but I can only think of one.

Which is weird.

 

weird

 

.

.

This morning my physiotherapist

tapped my knee with a plastic hammer

and made my leg jerk.

The nerve.

 knee tapped with a plastic hammer

.

.

Are people who believe in

ghosts very ghoulable?

 ghost

.

.

No matter how much you push the envelope,

it’ll still be stationery.

 push the envelope

.

.

My friend was arrested for drunk driving

on a motorized shopping cart at WalMart.

Apparently he led the police on a chase

that reached 90 aisles per hour.

 motorized shopping cart

.

.

“All you ever talk about is golf!”

My wife shouted.

“Golf, golf and more bloody golf!”

“Calm down love,” I said.

“Don’t let this driver wedge between us.”

 golf

.

.

I went to buy pork chops and told

the butcher to make them lean.

He said, ‘Which way?’

 pork chops cartoon

.

.

Many scientists agree the only way to solve

the planet’s worsening energy crisis

is for the whole world to convert to solar power.

That’s not going to happen overnight.

 solar power

.

.

I was the first person to install trampolines

in musician’s tour buses and now

everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

 trampoline

.

.

I said to my blind date, “I actually take

a plane to work and back every single day.”

“Wow, you must be wealthy.” She said.

“Everything but,” I replied,

“I’m just a carpenter.”

 carpenter's plane

.

.

I bumped into the guy

who invented the globe.

It’s a small world.

 globe

.

.

Why did the poet kill himself

by walking into the road?

Because he thought there

was nothing left to right.

 walking into the road

.

.

I never thought I’d buy into Feng Shui.

But oh how the tables have turned.

 feng-shui-color-chart

.

.

I was in a music group

called ‘Illegal imports’.

We were a contraband.

.

.

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Plant Puns: Weed ‘Em And Reap!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Not really a day of plant puns, but it is Pun Day, so you might want to weep anyway.

You know the drill (little gardening pun there).

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Teacher: If you were a great composer,

where would you live?

Boy: In A Flat.

Jimi Hendrix's flat

.

.

I missed today’s Hairdressing Championships,

can anyone tell me if there were any highlights?

Hairdressing Championships

.

.

The World Health Organization has

just announced its new slogan.

“WHO cares”.

WHO cares

.

.

My teacher said I was average,

I told him that’s just mean.

average and mean

.

.

I used to be a gold prospector,

but it didn’t pan out.

gold prospector

.

.

I’ve written my own political manifesto

but I haven’t used one single upper-case letter.

I’m not a capitalist.

lower-case letter

.

.

Men with gender issues have it tough in the UK,

I’m sure they’d love to be a broad.

Men with gender issues

.

.

I wrote some new hymns for the congregation

to sing at my local church and the

Vicar says everybody loves them.

They can’t stop singing my praises.

hymns for the congregation

.

.

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

.

.

If you want to be a coroner be

prepared for a stiff examination.

coroner

.

.

My friend is a real Don Juan with the ladies.

The ladies Don Juan anything to do with him.

Don Juan with the ladies

.

.

When I was in the army I reckoned all

officers higher up that Colonels are assholes.

But I hate when people Generalize.

Generals

.

.

I’ve never seen a flamenco dancer,

but those Spaniards must be clever

to train a bird of that size.

flamingo dancer

.

.

My wife is trying to wind me up

with jibes about my impotence.

I’m not rising to that.

jibes about my impotence

.

.

I didn’t want to go to the

“I Love The 80s” fancy dress party,

but my friend was adamant.

.

.

================================

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Old Professors Never Die. They Just Lose Their Faculties.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I probably should have said that they lose their faculties and end up as a pun.

In case you haven’t guessed it yet, today is another Pun Day.

So….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I call my house Lautrec

because it’s got two loos.

two loos

.

.

Beauty is in the eye

of the beerholder.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

.

.

The UN. Bringing us all together

by ending conflicts around the world.

Peace by Peace.

The UN

.

.

Turns out my ex girlfriend Big Amy

had a secret husband.

If only there had been some clue.

Big Amy

.

.

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses:

thick-skinned, short-sighted

and always ready to charge.

rhinoceros

.

.

Hey girls,

get yourself a Fisherman,

they’re reel men.

Fisherman

.

.

How did I escape Iraq?

Iran

escape Iraq

.

.

My Dermatological Clinic

just wished me Merry Eczemas.

Merry Eczemas

.

.

My wife suggested I go for

acupuncture treatment to cure me

from making annoying timber puns.

I can’t see why that woodwork.

acupuncture treatment

.

.

Let me correct you –

the London Underground

is not a political movement.

Lancaster_Gate_tube London Underground

.

.

It’s ironic that discus isn’t a sport

that many people talk about.

discus

.

.

The Lawn Tennis Association’s website

has a fault they are having

problems with their server.

the_-lawn_tennis_association

.

.

Many Americans oppose any change

to The Second Amendment of the

United States Constitution.

They’re really sticking to their guns.

The Second Amendment

.

.

I ordered a whole duck at the

Chinese restaurant last night!

It was great until I got to the bill.

whole duck at the Chinese

.

.

Last night I dreamt I was

writing ‘Lord of the Rings’.

Turns out I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 Lord of the Rings

.

======================================

It’s International Litarasy Day 2day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Final Pun Day.

For this January that is. I hope I didn’t get your hopes up .  🙂

Here we go.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

The Inventor of the jug died today.

Tributes have been pouring in.

jug

.

.

I asked my friend if he is a compulsive shouter.

The answer was a resounding yes.

compulsive-shouter

.

.

Caught a bloke in the changing room earlier,

holding my jacket saying he thought it was his!

I think he was trying it on.

hip-hop-man-holding-jacket-12834831

.

.

I don’t like my wife going out drinking

with the girls from the nail bar.

They always end up getting hammered.

nail bar

.

.

This girl, Rene Wals, is obsessed with me.

She keeps sending me emails.

She works at GoDaddy, but I think she’s a moron

— she spells her name “Renewals.”

GoDaddy-Email-Login

.

.

The first rule of Palindrome Club is

si bulC emordnilaP fo elur tsrif ehT.

Palindrome Club

.

.

Is a woman who can’t have a baby,

unbearable, impregnable or inconceivable?

woman who can't have a baby

.

.

My girlfriend was complaining

that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

woman selling flowers

.

.

My wife asked me how much I like

the new GPS she bought for me

I replied, “Well, I’d be lost without it.”

new GPS

.

.

I think I first realized that my drinking

had got out of control when my doctor

referred me to a Bacardiologist.

Bacardi

.

.

I call my weed “The Quran”

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

burning weed

.

.

My wife found out that I’d been moving her

bookmark forward a few pages every night.

She really lost the plot.

bookmark in book

.

.

I was checking out this blonde girl,

when the librarian said,

“Sir, we only lend out books in here.”

librarian

.

.

Girlfriend: You have to make a choice,

it’s either me or your career as a news reporter.

Me: Well, I’ve got some news for you then.

news reporter

.

.

A teacher asks her class

“Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood’s girlfriend?”

Little Paddy raises his hand and says

“Yes Miss, it’s Trudy Glen.”

“No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion.”

“But Miss, what about the song?

Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen.”

.

.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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