It’s The Day You All Look Forward To – Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, maybe not ‘all’ of you. But some people like them.

Here are a few more.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just learned the other day that a violin

is comprised of seventy separate pieces of wood.

It must be a fiddly job putting it all together!

violin maker

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I named my car flattery.

It gets me nowhere.

broken down car

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I got depressed when I lost my job at the Apple factory.

“Have you been taking any tablets?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah. Why do you think I got fired?”

Apple itablet

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I’ve started a band called ‘Nostalgia’.

If we don’t make it, at least people will remember us fondly.

Obracken-NostalgiaGoodTimesGoodTimes569

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My wife planted some seeds in the garden a while back

and just recently they’ve pushed through the soil.

She said to me today, “What do you think they are?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.  

“But they’ve definitely grown hyacinth we last looked at them.”

hyacinth

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I hopped on a bus today.

After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

Hopping-off-the-Bus

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Just had to close my new restaurant down.

It was called “Mexican Tortilla”.

I just kept getting calls from language students…

Mexican Tortilla

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As I sat cleaning my rifle, my wife nagged,

“I think you love that gun more than me.”

“Are you even listening to me?” she asked.

“Yes, deer,” I replied.

man-cleaning-inside-the-barrel-of-his-unloaded-rifle-gun-clipart-by-dennis-cox-at-wackystock

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I’ll never forget my first love.

She took me outside and showed me the garden.

She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden.

Full of water.

“Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

wishing well

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I started a business selling life support machines

but I’m on the verge of going bust.

Ironically, I’ve got to pull the plug.

life support machines

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A psychic told me how to get more friends on Facebook,

and it worked!

What a great social medium.

Cartoon-Fortune-Teller

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I tried to do a computer course

but I couldn’t hack it

computer course

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Just got back from the ‘Free Pussy Riot’ march.

Not what I was expecting,

apparently they’re some Russian band.

'Free Pussy Riot'

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Contrary to popular belief Owls are not wise,

they’re stupid and illiterate.

It’s “Tu Whit Tu WHOM!”

cartoon-owl

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“It’s nice to be served by somebody English for a change,”

I said to the waitress in a café.

“These days most of you are foreign and don’t understand a word I say. For instance…”

“For instance, what?” said the waitress, after a long pause.

“Four instant coffees, please.”

cartoon-of-aggressive-waitress

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Did You Know? The Facts Are Here!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The facts are certainly here.

It’s up to you to choose how valuable and interesting they are.

Apart from anything else I hope you enjoy reading them.

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did you know1

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To save money when you shop, don’t touch anything.

Touching an item makes you more likely to buy it, and willing to pay more.

http://www.time.com/time/business/article/0,8599,1889081,00.html

did you know touching

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The famous US Pony Express only lasted a single year

before the transcontinental telegraph made the route obsolete.

did you know pony express

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In a 2008 survey,

58% of British teens thought Sherlock Holmes was a real guy,

while 20% thought Winston Churchill was not.

did you know churchill-holmes

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Before his writing career took off, Dan Brown was a singer/songwriter.

His second album was titled Angels & Demons.

did you know angelsdemons

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During a 1956 speech for his campaign of de-Stalinization,

Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev was asked by an unseen audience member why,

as an advisor to the dictator, he had never stopped Stalin from committing his atrocities.

Khrushchev immediately lashed out, “Who said that?”

The room grew quiet.

Khrushchev repeated his query to more silence, waited a beat,

and then said, “Well, now you understand why.”

did you know Khrushchev

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The first US President to earn a PhD was Woodrow Wilson.

did you know Woodrow Wilson

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The U.K.’s police headquarters, Scotland Yard,

is not (and never was) located in Scotland.

Scotland Yard was originally a palace

where Scottish royalty stayed when visiting London.

did you know New_Scotland_Yard_sign

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Wendy’s founder, Dave Thomas,

used to work for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

did you know Dave Thomas Wendy's

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The first VCR, developed by the Ampex Corporation in 1956,

weighed nearly 1,500 lbs.

It took another 15 years before a commercially viable product hit the scene.

did you know ampex-commercial-vtr-1956

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The Vatican Bank is the world’s only bank

that allows ATM users to perform transactions in Latin.

did you know ATM-Latin

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The municipal government of Paris passed a resolution

to prohibit Tom Cruise from becoming an honorary citizen of the city.

For them it was ‘une mission impossible!’

did you know Tom Cruise Mission_Impossible_II_(MI2)

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Only one U.S. coin

— the zinc-coated steel penny produced during World War II —

can be picked up by a magnet.

did you know WWII steel penny

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During the Vietnam War, the Viet Cong hid IEDs in empty soda cans

because they observed that US Soldiers enjoyed kicking empty cans

while marching down the road.

Warning to the politicians perhaps who recently

have done little else but kick the can down the road.

did you know kicking-the-can-down-the-road

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Simon Bolivar is the only person in the world

to have two sovereign nations named after him:

Bolivia

and

Venezuela

(the country’s full name is Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela).

did you know bolivar

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At the 1960 Winter Olympic Games,

Walt Disney was Chairman of the Pageantry Committee

that was responsible for producing both

the opening and closing ceremonies.

did you know walt_olympics

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Butterflies range in size from a tiny 1/8 inch to a huge almost 12 inches.

did you know butterfly

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After racking up a $40 late fee on a VHS copy of Apollo 13,

Reed Hastings was inspired to start Netflix

did you know Netflix-CEO-Reed-Hastings

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

did you know bang-head-here

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The most Academy Awards (Oscars) won by a woman was eight,

by Edith Head, all for Costume Design

did you know the-much-honored-costume-designer-edith-head-1954

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Black-eyed peas aren’t peas, but beans,

and also a famous American hip hop group.

And coffee beans aren’t beans, but seeds.

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Yesterday It Was The Answers That Were The Problem, Today It’s The Questions

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yesterday it was the answers that were the problem. Today it is the questions. Here is another selection of those important questions that very few seem to want to ask.

Enjoy.

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Why do overalls have belt loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?

why do overalls have belt loops?.

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Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?.

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Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Obama nailing coffin shut. .

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Why people are so scared of mice, which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?

Mickey Mouse .

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How come we never hear about gruntled employees?

gruntled employees .

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Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can’t you get honey from a plastic bee?

HoneyBear.

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What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other than your hand?

What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?.

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Can you “stare off into space” when you’re in space?

stare off into space

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Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

lethal-injection

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If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

seagull plane

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If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

cartoon fly

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If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?

food word processor combo

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Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?

mouse flavored cat food

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If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?

monkey

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If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

JoggingCartoons

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If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn’t it reverse up and down?

mirror images

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If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

humanitarian meal

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