Warning: Try Not To Hurt Yourself When Reading This Post.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Our look at labels for idiots by idiots continues with this selection.

I’m not sure which is the worst, those written for the idiots or the ones that the idiots have obviously written themselves.

Have a look and make up your own mind.

Enjoy.

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warning sign 3

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“Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.”

On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

birthday card for a 1 year old

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“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.”

On a battery.

battery

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“Warning: Do not use on eyes.”

In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

heated seat cushion

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“Do not look into laser with remaining eye.”

On a laser pointer.

laser pointer

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“Do not use for drying pets.”

In the manual for a microwave oven.

manual for a microwave oven

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“For use on animals only.”

On an electric cattle prod.

Electric_cattle_prod

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“For use by trained personnel only.”

On a can of air freshener.

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“Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.”

Also on a can of air freshener.

can of air freshener

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“Remember,

objects in the mirror

are actually behind you.”

On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror

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“Warning: Riders of personal watercraft

may suffer injury due to the forceful injection

of water into body cavities either by

falling into the water or while mounting the craft.”

In the manual for a jetski.

jetski

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“Warning:

Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up.

Doing so will cause injury and death.”

A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects),

which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

protective bag (for fragile objects

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“Do not use as ear plugs.”

On a package of silly putty.

silly putty

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I’d Say 6:30 Is The Best Clock Time, Hands Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And the best time for puns is today!

By the way, no liability accepted, so try not to hurt yourselves laughing.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I threw out my vacuum cleaner last week.

It was just gathering dust.

vacuum cleaner

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I work for the hospital dealing with

moving patients between different areas.

It’s a rewarding job.

moving patients

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I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I’ve started seeing someone else.

my imaginary girlfriend

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My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.

I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

Christmas Ham

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What’s the difference between ‘Approximately’ and ‘Roughly’?

Men are never accused of treating women approximately.

Approximately Roughly

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After battling for years to overcome

my addiction to alcohol gel,

I’m finally clean.

alcohol gel

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Grandad was talking about getting

a hip replacement for my Grandma.

“Someone younger and trendier,” he said,

“Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis.”

Megan Fox

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I wasn’t always into peer pressure……

My friends got me into it.

peer pressure

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Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car

…..I’ve never looked back

the rear view mirror

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I sat down on the settee today to relax and watch a bit of football,

but the picture on the telly was so terrible I couldn’t bear it.

I hate wedding photos.

wedding photos

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I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.

I then saved it as ‘Whats Up.doc’

whats-up-doc

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If you like wordplay jokes about pissing

then urine for a treat.

jokes about pissing

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I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words.

It’s a fantastic opporchancity.

opporchancity

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I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack

and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

dogs_poker

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Finally for this week,

and with a certain blog friend in mind,

what did the three campanologists who

fell off a bridge in Paris, France start playing?

“I’m ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine…”

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Never Hitch Your Wagon To Another Man’s Horse

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Strangely this blog post is neither about wagons nor horses, but I thought the title was catchy. It is related though, I haven’t reached the stage yet where I have to deceive people into reading my blog.

This post is about Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station, Jacksonville, Florida who decided to repair some damaged shingles on the roof of his house himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him.

Ever conscious about the dangers of working at heights and on sloping shingles in particular, Chief Petty Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the trailer hitch of his truck prior to climbing up on his steep roof. Then, once he had climbed up to the peak of his roof he secured the other end of the line around his waist and slid over the top of the roof to repair the shingles.

So far so good. He started his repairs.

As luck would have it, bad luck that is, shortly after he started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout trip. Mr Styles’ wife, Jane, took the call and went straight out of the house, got into the truck and yelled to her husband that she’d be back right away.

“I didn’t see the rope,” Mrs. Styles said later, “until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street.”

Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbor, said, “I’ll never forget the look on Roman’s face as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn’t been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt.”

After realizing what had happened, but not before she had dragged her poor husband quite a ways down the street, Mrs Styles summoned emergency help.

Mr Styles’ bad luck was compensated by the good luck that he only had to be treated for a slight concussion and a few scrapes and bruises.