Have You Noticed, Winzip Files Are Becoming Rar These Days.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little nerdy pun in the title to set the tone for today, because it’s another Pun Day.

Some more plays on words, which you will either….

Enjoy or endure!

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I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm

On the other hand I might not bother.

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I’m giving away a free gate.

Honestly, there’s no catch.

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A Rastafarian just gave my friend a haircut.

He looks dreadful.

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Just been thinking, Hooters should do a home delivery service.

They could call it Knockers.

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Whenever anybody asks what I do.

I tell them I’m a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.

Sounds better than telling them

I pack men’s neckwear in a warehouse.

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I find it difficult to count in

Roman numerals until the number 159.

Then it just CLIX.

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If you’d like to know more about bulimia,

just do a Google search and see what it throws up.

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I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.

Now I just live in a flat.

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Statistically speaking,

the word “duck” is 75% obscene.

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To those men who whinge and whine

saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples,

I say, “Grow a pear.”

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I want to thank my friend, who looked up

“Agglomeration” for me in the dictionary.

It means a lot.

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Do you think that a Clairvoyants meeting has

ever been cancelled due to unforeseen events.

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I’ve written a book about

an Apartment block for Midgets.

It’s a collection of short storeys.

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My Korean friend died last week.

So Yung…

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Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things:

Sequels, and reincarnation.

Basically, he thinks he’ll be Bourne again.

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Sex While Camping: It’s Intense!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little word play, get it? Intense? In tents??

Okay, okay.

Yes, it’s pun day. And they get better (or worse) than that.

So, enjoy!

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Today my girlfriend told me on the phone

that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

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Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing

coming from a parked van.

But, when they looked,

it was just a kid napping.

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Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry’s with a DVD.

I couldn’t be bothered to wash a spoon.

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Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering,
‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X,

a long side, Y,

and hypotenuse, Z,

then the square of Z must be equal to

the sum of the square of X and the square of,

erm… uh…’

The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

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My friend asked me:

“What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

“Chinese,” I replied.

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My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.

He asked was she hot.

I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

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I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.

As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted

“Whatever you do, don’t look down”.

So I started smiling.

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My house was repossessed at the weekend

but I don’t blame the bank.

It’s that useless priest not doing

the exorcism properly in the first place.

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My wife said we would have less arguments

if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I said, “FEWER ARGUMENTS”. 

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A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed

twenty pots of White Out this morning.

Big mistake.

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I’m thinking about turning rastafarian,

but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair…

I’m dreading it.

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People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname,

but I can live with it.

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I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

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I needed some milk this morning,

so I went round to my neighbors

and asked them through the window.

“We’re all out,” they replied.

“No you’re not,” I said. “I can hear you in there.”

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Every time I pour a round of drinks,

it goes all over the place.

I think I need glasses.

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Drinking with a speech impediment

Is a whisky business.

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My friend never had the courage to get married,

But he has been engaged quite a few times.

So there’s been quite a few near Mrs.

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After I won the local pub quiz last night

two gorgeous blondes came over to me.

The first one said,

“We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy.”

The second blonde said,

“Do you know what three way is?”

I replied,

“Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that

if they want to get the better of me,

I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub.

Btw, the name’s “Freeway” not “Three way” dummy!

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Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking, that’s about the same.

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At any time, the temptation to sing

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

is never more than a whim away.

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