For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

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I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

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I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

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I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

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Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

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My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

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It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

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My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

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Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

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I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

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I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

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Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

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I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

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In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

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I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

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I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

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I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

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I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

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I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

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Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

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More Pun Fun Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More pun fun today. It’s amazing how bad a joke you can get away with when there’s a pun or two involved. The evidence can be found below.

Enjoy.

 

 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

 

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

 

Is a shotgun wedding a case of wife or death?

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

When two egotists meet, it’s always an I for an I.

 

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.

 

Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life.

 

Did your hear about the illiterate fisherman who was lost at c?

 

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