Herbs For Sale: Please No Thyme Wasters!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Are you are looking for some really funny jokes?

Well, never mind.

Try these instead.

It’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.

Toucan play at that game.

.

.

If a vacuum is a volume of space

that contains no matter or particles,

why did someone bother to invent a cleaner for it?

.

.

My son got straight A’s in his italics exam.

Which actually cost him quite a few marks.

.

.

24 years ago today the doctor delivered me.

I can’t believe I’ve survived so long without a liver.

.

.

I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.

£10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

.

.

My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she’s more of a large.

.

.

Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you’re interested.

.

.

A man came up to me and said,

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

I said, “That is very annoying.”

He said, “Well I can only apologize.”

.

.

I’m lucky, I can always count on my wife.

She wears a lot of beads.

.

.

“What’s done cannot be undone.”

They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.

.

.

So these two morons were making fun

of an old guy on the bus yesterday.

My friend said,

“You have to respect him, he’s a Vietnam vet.”

They just said

“What’s it to us if he helps animals in Vietnam.”

.

.

Why did I say I’d win that giant butterfly contest?

Me and my big moth.

.

.

I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.

Must have been a missing poster.

.

.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out

that my friends call me

‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

.

.

Finally for today, this ring cymbalizes so much to me.

.

http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true

.

================================================

.

“I Think” Said The Sweet Potato, “Therefore I Yam”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The clue is in the title.

We’re playing with words again.

Yes, it’s pun day.

Enjoy!

.

.

I had no idea there were so many different types of sandpaper.

Luckily the guy in the shop gave me a rough guide.

.

.

My grandfather tried to start his own company building airplanes.

But he couldn’t get it off the ground.

.

.

I’ve just started time travelling with an old friend of mine.

We go back a long way.

.

.

I used to have a job drilling for oil.

It was boring.

.

.

I had to start singing when I realized I didn’t have

enough money to get into the public toilets.

I was busking for a piss.

.

.

Every summer, my dad would take me to the beach,

put me in a chest and bury me in the sand.

Treasured memories.

.

.

I’m having difficulty creating saline water.

I can’t work out if salt is part of the problem or part of the solution.

.

.

I only got it two weeks and already my

Chinese sound system is broken.

So stereotypical.

.

.

You know you’re in red neck territory when the

girls think Timberland is a theme park for lumberjacks.

.

.

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two.

.

.

I heard that Rapunzel used to be a real party animal.

She was always letting her hair down.

.

.

After a hard day at work I thought it would be funny

to give my boss a big pat on the back.

That was my last day working on his farm.

.

.

As I sat down to dinner with Gaius Marius, Julius Caesar

and my wife, she rolled her eyes and said

“No, I said I wanted more ROMANCE in our relationship”.

.

.

I drink so much my liver is more like a dier.

.

.

Monk: “What porn is acceptable?”

Archbishop: “Nun.”

.

.

The banker said he could offer me a credit card with no interest.

I said, “Then why are you doing it?”

.

.

I got sacked from NASA for falling asleep on the rocket.

It completely ruined the salad at their summer barbecue.

.

.

Once on vacation my friend fell over a pyramid and hurt his mouth.

Egypt his tooth.

.

.

The duck said to the bartender,

‘put it on my bill.’

.

.

I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and I asked

the waiter if there were any Chinese Jews.

He walked off then came back a while later and said,

“No we only have apple juice, lemon juice or orange juice.”

.

==================================

.