China Really Raises A Lot Of Red Flags…

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Maybe that’s something China and puns have in common because they tend to raise a few red flags for some people too.

Not for us, though, because I know you are here for Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

Two silkworms had a race

– it ended in a tie.

 two silk worms had a race

.

.

If you attached a bunch of

watches together to make a belt

it would be a waist of time.

 belt made of watches

.

.

I don’t really know maths too well.

Until recently I thought logarithms

were a brand of laxative.

 logarithms brand of laxative

.

.

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola,

I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

 mirror

.

.

A fella in the bar asked me what it’s like to be married.

I said, “Amaze.”

He asked, “You mean amazing?”

I replied, “No, I mean it’s hard to get out of.”

 maze

.

.

I’ve been assembling a condiment army.

It is now fully mustered.

 mustered mustard

.

.

I was asked if I had any plans

for National Nudity Day…

I said “I’ve got nothing on”.

 National Nudity Day

.

.

My little brother cut himself with

a razor shaving this morning.

“How Gillette that happen?” I asked.

 

cut himself with a razor shaving

 

.

.

My dad was a man of few words.

We always beat him at Scrabble.

 Scrabble

.

.

A friend once asked me,

“Do you think you could have an

eraser at both ends of a pencil?”

“I suppose you could,” I replied,

“but what would be the point?”

 eraser at both ends of a pencil

.

.

A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed

in what is thought to have been a terrorist attack.

It’s not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity.

But early reports indicate G had.

 flaming g

.

.

My friends had a good laugh

at my expense last night.

I paid for them to go

and see a comedian.

 clipart comedian

.

.

What’s the gayest type of question?

A query.       

 query

.

.

My son asked me what

the opposite of a lie is.

It’s a true story.

 a true story

.

.

Was just looking at the all time

top 10 movies list online.

I was surprised Seven wasn’t there.

.

.

==========================================

.

My New Year Resolutions!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

First of all a Very Happy New Year to the readers of my blog, and to everyone who visited during 2013 a big “THANK YOU”.

Whether you are a regular visitor or just called in today on the off chance you are more than welcome and I hope you will continue to visit through 2014.

Today I thought I would share with you my New Year Resolutions for 2014.  

I hope you like them. I think I will be more successful keeping this lot than I have been other years.

Enjoy!

.

New Year Resolutions 2014

.

1. First and foremost, I won’t be tempted to relocate to Detroit.

Sure the house in the email is only a dollar,

but it’s a fixer upper and I haven’t got the time.

DetroitAbandonedHouse

.

.

2. I resolve never to jump off a bridge or other high place

with my only my ankles secured with a big rubber band.

bungee jumper shits himself

.

.

3. I will refrain from putting partially eaten cartons

of ice cream back into the refrigerator,

I will finish them instead.

ice-cream-container-empty

.

.

4. Every time my wife asks

“Does this dress make my ass look fat”,

I will reply “Of course not, darling.”

Last year’s answer of

“No darling, the dress is beautiful, you’ve just got a fat ass”

was apparently unacceptable.

fat ass

.

.

5. I will not take a laxative and a sleeping pill

on the same night.

never_take_a_sleeping_pill_and_a_laxative_together

.

.

6. I will use more deodorant and do less laundry,

unless I lapse and forget resolution #5.

perspiring

.

.

7. I will try to figure out why I “really” need nine e-mail addresses

and try to cut it down to six or seven.

EmailAddressTab-orig

.

.

8. When I hear a funny joke I will stop replying,

“LOL… LOL!”

LOL

.

.

9. This year I promise to buy my lottery tickets at a luckier store,

last year’s was hopeless.

buying lottery ticket

.

.

10. I will never again eat more than two mangoes

before going to Church or other public function.

fart-in-church

.

.

11. Too much exercise is bad for your health, it can even kill you,

just look how many joggers keel over and die.

I will try to keep it to a minimum this year.

tiredjogger

.

.

12. I will stop trying every January to cut out delicious meals

and eat bits of cardboard and birdseed instead.

It never works anyhow and that joke my wife does

with putting newspaper below my chair in the office is just old.

health food

.

.

13. Work less and take it easy will be the order of the day – every day.

After all, all work and no play can make you a dull boy

and I don’t want to be a dull boy.

couch-potato

.

.

14. I will stop considering other people’s feelings

when they so obviously don’t consider mine

– from here on in I’ll tell it like it is!

Mr_Angry

.

.

15. I will start to do what my mother always told me and wear clean underwear,

“just in case I get knocked down by a bus”,

even though I know if I see a bus hurtling towards me

and I can’t get out of the way

the first thing I am going to do is sh*t myself.

hit-by-bus

.

.

16. I will definitely try to stop saying,

“Oooh, mama that feels soooo good”

whenever the security guys frisk me at airports.

airport search

.

.

17. I will draw up a list of people who were nasty to me in the past year,

and get my own back on them during the next 12 months!

It will be fun trying anyway.

list

.

.

18. After what happened in New York

I will always remind the wife

to “check for paper”

before and after leaving a public restroom.

check for paper

.

.

19. I’m going to scrap all my “To Do” lists this year

and start writing “Won’t Get This Done Today” lists.

There should be a greater sense of achievement at the end of each day.

to do list

.

.

20. And finally,

I will not sit at the computer all the time.

I will try to stand while I type

for at least fifteen minutes a day.

standing typing

.

I really think I can do it this year. Wish me luck!

.

=======================================

.