You Know What They Used To Say In The Middle Ages, “Resistance Is Feudal”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Happily we don’t live in the middle ages, so now resistance is futile.

If you haven’t guessed already….

It’s pun day!

Enjoy.

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I’m in a band called Atom

We’ll never split.

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I’ve been drawing bar graphs, pie charts

and venn diagrams all over walls in town.

I’m a graphitti artist.

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We were going for a picnic today and my husband

asked me to get some ice and a cooler bag.

I thought, “That’s a bit harsh,

there’s nothing wrong with my current bag”.

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Can someone give me a definition of homosexuality,

in lay-men’s terms?

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On the investment front I’m worried that my shares in a

major cordial company are going to be diluted.

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Don’t trust people who avoid the sun.

They’re shady.

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Signing up to a mailing list has done nothing to

quell my addiction for German poetry.

I’m getting verse by the day.

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According to a survey,

seven out of ten people use the double negative.

I ain’t never heard such nonsense in my life.

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The horse came galloping towards me,

the sun glistening off the rider’s armour, helmet and lance,

which I realised was aimed at my head.

Man, those knight-vision goggles are really awesome!

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Running a bingo hall is more than just a job.

It’s a calling.

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Whilst on holiday near lake Geneva

I purchased a large bottle of mineral water

I struggled to carry it though,

it was an evian.

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There are two i’s in narcissist

and they absolutely hate each other.

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After a terrible Chinese meal last night, I refused to pay.

Unfortunately the chef heard what I said and pinned me up against the wall,

threatening me with a pan unless I paid up.

Talk about being stuck between a wok and a hard place.

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I saw a man with a bald patch earlier.

I thought, “He’s obviously trying to cut down, or quit being bald”.

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It appears that smoking heroin is

far better for addicts than injecting it,

needleless to say.

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A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and

asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I said “Check Republic.”

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What do you call a brittle Scotsman?

A Glasswegian.

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I hate it when people make jokes about Vietnam.

It Hanoi’s me.

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Jay-Z? A psychiatrist?

Must be Shrink Rap.

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We spent a fortune on electrocution lessons for our son.

Until he learned to speak properly.

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Did You Know…. Another Twenty Fascinating Facts From Fasab’s Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for another selection of fascinating facts. How you use these is up to you, but some of them may well come in handy sometime.

Enjoy.

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Every year Alaska has about 5,000 earthquakes,

1,000 of which measure above 3.5 on the Richter scale

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There are approximately 7,000 feathers on an eagle

– even a bald one!

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The average person changes their career every 13 years

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The total mileage driven by all U-Haul trucks in a year

is enough to move a person from the Earth to the moon

five times a day for an entire year

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Scientists with high-speed cameras have discovered

that rain drops are not tear shaped

but rather look like hamburger buns.

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570 gallons of paint would be needed to paint the outside of the White House

– make that 570 gallons of white paint

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Tiger Woods is the first athlete to has been named

“Sportsman of the Year”

by magazine Sports Illustrated two times

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In 1996, toy company Mattel released a “Harley Davidson” Barbie.

This dolls distinctive feature is a birth mark on her face

that changes position with every new release of the doll

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In the Sahara Desert there is a town named Tidikelt,

which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years

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The most senior crayon maker Emerson Moser

retired after making 1.4 billion crayons for Crayola.

It was then that he revealed that he was actually colorblind

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There are mirrors on the moon.

Astronauts left them so that laser beams could be bounced off of them from Earth.

These beams help give us the distance to the moon give or take a few meters.

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Tobacco kills more Americans each year

than alcohol, cocaine, crack, heroin, homicide,

suicide, car accidents, fire and AIDS combined

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The oldest bird on record was Cocky, a cockatoo, who lived in London Zoo.

He ceased being Cocky at the age of 82.

 

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There were 13 couples celebrating their honeymoon on the Titanic

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In July 1874, a swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts flew over Nebraska

covering an area estimated at 198,600 square miles.

It is estimated that the swarm contained about 12.5 trillion insects.

These insects became extinct thirty years later

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Honorificabilitudinitatibus

is the longest English word that consists strictly

of alternating consonants and vowels

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In Haiti, only 1 out of every 200 people own a car which is ironic

considering approximately 33% of the country’s budget on imports

is spent on equipment for fuel and transportation.

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The largest diamond found in the United States was a 40.23 carat white diamond.

It was found in 1924 at Murfreesboro, Arkansas at the Prairie Creek pipe mine,

which later became known as the Crater of Diamonds State Park.

The diamond was named “Uncle Sam” after the nickname of its finder,

Wesley Oley Basham, a worker at the Arkansas Diamond Corporation.

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In 1903 Mary Anderson invented the windshield wipers

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The song with the longest title is

“I’m a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank

on the Streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu Mama

Doin’ Those Beat-o, Beat-o Flat-On-My-Seat-o,

Hirohito Blues”

written by Hoagy Carmichael in 1945.

He later claimed the song title ended with ‘Yank’ and the rest was a joke

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