I’ll Never Predict The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Except to predict that you are about to read another selection of those plays on words we call puns.

You’ve come too far to stop now, so you might as well…..

Enjoy or endure!

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First some breaking news:

Apple is to start going door to door in a

new marketing effort to sell more of their products

The new sales team members will be known as

iWitnesses.

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Just got myself a new job working at the

end of the production line in a vodka factory.

I’m making an Absolut packet.

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When a married couple fall out

about who makes the best coffee

is it grounds for divorce?

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Whenever my car breaks down

I take it to my Scottish friend.

Andy McCannick.

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My wife curses uncontrollably

when she chews her gum.

She’s got Nicorettes.

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My boss always asks for help with Excel.

My skills are =A1.

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I’m having trouble keeping my hands warm

with these new fingerless gloves…

Any tips?

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I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex

drove past and threw a can of paint at my window.

I hate it when women get emulsional.

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I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called

“100 Ways How To Build Confidence”.

I couldn’t buy it though,

the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

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I switched the letters ‘T’ and ‘K’ on my

computer to make it a little bit different.

Now it’s a QWERKY keyboard.

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Edward Deidde,

the man who spent his entire life explaining

that his surname was “deed” has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital

where he was pronounced dead.

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Silent but deadly farts apparently do not count

as having an air of mystery about me.

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I told my butler a joke about firing him

because the doorbell rang all day.

He didn’t get it.

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So it turns out ornithologists are not the experts

on sexual arousal I had assumed them to be.

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In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide,

I have a big pop art painting on my wall

that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

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Word Play? Bad Jokes? Whatever you call them they’re Still Pun To Me

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A few more puns to make you laugh or groan.

Enjoy them if you can.

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The cannibal was so nervous he threw up his hands

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He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

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I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.    

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The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.

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Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. 

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We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

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The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

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We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

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I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

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If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.        

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Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.         

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The police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid and the other one for eating fireworks. They charged one but let the other one off.

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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

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A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.          

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And finally,

 

Did you know that Macy’s have a contractual obligation to hire an unemployed man every November and December to play Father Christmas? It’s known as the Santa clause.

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Can You Answer Any Of These Conundrums? Or Should That Be Conundra??

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well if you can answer the question in the title of this post then you’re off to a good start. I know what my speel chekkar says, and I think that it is wrong.

Which brings me to another short semi-rant in the form of a question. Why does the WordPress speel chekkar keep highlighting the word “wordpress” as being spelled incorrectly?

Think on that as you tackle the rest of today’s (cue the wavy red line)  conundra!

Enjoy.

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If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

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When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

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If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

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If corn can’t hear, why does it have an ear?

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If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

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If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?

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If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?

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If I save time, when do I get it back?

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If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

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If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

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If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

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If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

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If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?

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Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

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If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands?

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