Oh Bits!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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One would imagine that cemeteries would be rather sad and sullen places, and at the time of a bereavement I suppose they are for the relatives concerned. 

But with the passage of time or if you aren’t personally involved they can also be places of great historical interest. 

And they can be places where one can find a great deal of humor. 

Nowadays people seem to be less and less emotionally prepared and equipped to handle and understand death.

In the past this was not the case. 

If proof of the latter were needed all one has to do is to look at the inscriptions on some of the headstones found in old cemeteries. 

Here are a few examples of what I mean. 

Enjoy.

an atheist's tomb

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Ann Mann 

Here lies Ann Mann, 

Who lived an old maid 

But died an old Mann. 

Dec. 8, 1767

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Here lies my wife:

Here let her lie! 

Now she’s at rest

And so am I.

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He was young

He was fair

But the Injuns

Raised his hair

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Here lies the body

Of Margaret Bent

She kicked up her heels

And away she went.

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Rebecca Freeland

1741

She drank good ale,

good punch and wine

And lived to the age of 99.

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Stranger tread

This ground with gravity.

Dentist Brown

Is filling his last cavity.

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Here lies the father of 29.

He would have had more

But he didn’t have time.

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Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.

Born a virgin, died a harlot.

For 16 years she kept her virginity

A damn’d long time for this vicinity.

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Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder

She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.

Called from this world to her heavenly rest,

She should have waited till it effervesced.

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Blown upward

out of sight:

He sought the leak

by candlelight

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His foot it slipt

and he did fall.

“Help; Help” he cried

and that was all.

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Sir John Strange 

Here lies an honest lawyer, 

And that is Strange.

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She lived with her husband fifty years

And died in the confident hope of a better life.

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Here Lies Mary Smith 

Silent At Last

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Here lies

Johnny Yeast

Pardon me

For not rising.

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Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body

of Jonathan Blake

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger,

But slow on the draw.

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Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880’s.

He is buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:

headstone Lester Moore

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On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her

but nobody believed her.

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Owen Moore

Gone away

Owin’ more

Than he could pay.

Battersea, London, England

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In a North Carolina cemetery on the headstone of a spinster postmistress:

Returned–Unopened

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headstone Mel Blanc - That's All Folks

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Some More Witty Sayings, Inspired By George Carlin

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There was a lot of love for the short series of quotes from George Carlin. I was pleased that he is remembered well and still giving amusement to people, despite no longer being with us.

Today I have a selection of other witty sayings, not attributed to anyone in particular, but in the same spirit as last week’s post.

I hope you enjoy these too.

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Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

 

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. (One for the nerds and geeks to LTAO.) 

 

Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H2O Was H2SO4.

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

 

Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

 

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

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