What Do I Think Of Message Boards? I’m Forum!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I’m for punny jokes too.

The worse, the better.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!

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Downloading digital audio has completely revolutionized our lives.

It’s the biggest change in the way we buy music since records began.

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I went to the doctors today

about my addiction to astrology.

He said “What are the signs?”

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For Sale:

Grandfather clock

– only one part missing.

Second hand.

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My wife asked me to fix a

plug for her this morning.

I refused.

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Did you hear about the guy who 

trashed a Chinese restaurant?

He’s being charged with

Wonton Destruction.

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I looked up ‘Opaque’ in the dictionary today.

The definition was not very clear.

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Scientists who were against genetic engineering

have managed to cross a seagull with a sheep,

which is a massive ewe tern.

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I bought a belt made entirely from five dollar bills.

It was a waist of money.

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What is a group of deaf people called?

I bet it’s not a herd.

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To help change her appearance my missus

has started using clay facials with cucumber slices

over her eyes and her hair in rollers.

It helps, but I can still tell it’s her.

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I got stopped by a policeman

while I was driving along the road.

I stopped, opened the window and he said

“This is a spot check.”

So I replied

“I’ve got 2 blackheads and a boil on my bottom!”

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Fibonacci numbers.

It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

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I hate the local debating group.

They discussed me.

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So; if men are from Mars

and women are from Venus,

do gay men come from Uranus?

(Oh oh, that’s going to offend somebody!)

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We used to call the printer in the office ‘Bob Marley’.

It was always jammin!

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For Sale: Replica Fisherman’s Knife (Made To Scale).

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First pun day of August folks.

The months may change but pun day is forever, or until I run out of puns whichever comes first.

So here are today’s selection.

I hope you enjoy them.

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I’ve decided to take the day off today.

I’m just going to call it to.

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I’m in a heavy metal band.

I play lead.

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I filled my car up with gasoline this morning.

Wish I hadn’t now, the seats are ruined.

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Is nothing built in America any more?

I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said

‘BUILT IN ANTENNA’.

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My garden is only 36 inches wide.

More like a yard.

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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran

He can’t afford to put the heating on.

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It’s not hard getting to work in the snow,

you just need a bit of grit.

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My neighbor just showed me his new wind turbine.

I was blown away,

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Well the judge said that from now on

I can only see my children with supervision.

I said why, how far away will they be?

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I dropped my cell phone in the bath yesterday.

I said to my wife, “My phone is finished”.

She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”

I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

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I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

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Sometimes I enjoy my steak under cooked,

Of course, that’s rare.

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I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

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In class today the teacher gave me a square piece of paper

and asked if I could turn it into an octagon.

“Sure,” I said. “I’ll have it done for next week, sir.”

“No, I need it now,” was the reply.

“Okay, I’ll have to cut a few corners though.”

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I was chatting to a couple of girls today.

I said, “Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime”.

One of the girls said, “Okay, give us two secs.”

I said, “No problem, that’s exactly what I had in mind.”

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I’ve invented a device called a ‘base-ball.’

I’m thinking of pitching it on Shark Tank.

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I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren’t very fast.

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I was at the observatory the other day.

The astronomer said to me, “Look at this massive star!”

I replied, “Actually, that’s a cluster of stars, if it’s any constellation.”

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I went to the Natural History Museum and

saw the two bees that Noah took with him.

They were in the archives.

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Now, for the final trick, I’m going to turn this

Grandfather clock to one hundredth of its original size…

Watch….

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The Madness Continues

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Monday again and the madness continues with another round of quiz show answers given by the seeming multitude of intellectually challenged people who decide to let the world see their stupidity.

Enjoy.  

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Q: What “A” is the term for a set of symbols in which each character represents a simple speech sound?

A: Aural

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Q: The pain in the muscles or bones of the lower legs, often suffered by sportsmen, is known as shin…?      

A: …dler’s List  

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Q: In spelling, what consonant is found in both “good” and “bad”?         

A: O

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Q: Which large mammal is adapted to sandy conditions, having protective eyelashes, nostrils than can be closed, and broad, soft feet?         

A: Alligator

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Q: In agriculture, irrigation involves supplying farmland with which substance essential for growth?          

A: Weeds

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Q:  Who sang the song ‘Je t’aime’ with Jane Birkin?

A:  Jacques Chirac.

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Q:  Which Danish city is famous for its statue of a mermaid?

A:  Denmark.

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Q:  What is the name of the long- running British TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The …?

A:  Mohicans.

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Q:  We’re looking for a word that goes in front of ‘clock’.

A:  Grandfather. 

Q:  Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.

A:  Panda.

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Q:  What is the nationality of the Pope?

A:  I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

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Q:  How many kings of England have been called Henry?

A:  Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth.. er, er, three?

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Q:  Which British prime minister famously said: ‘We have become a grandmother’?

A:  John Major.

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Q:  What  L  do you make in the dark, when you don t consider the consequences?

A:  Love?

Q:  No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid the actual answer was ‘leap’.

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Q:  The Beatles were known as the Fab . . .?

A:  Five.

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