Being Calm Is Not Something I Rate.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But of course something I do rate are puns.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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Polce Toay Announce They Are

Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

ID Thefts

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I hate washing up liquid.

Washing up solids is much simpler.

washing up liquid

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My girlfriend is leaving me because I’ve got alopecia.

oh well it’s hair loss.

alopecia

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Cryptographers make terrible drummers.

They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

drummer

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My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.

All I do is sit around and stuff.

taxidermist

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My son is cold and calculating

I’ve turned the heating off whilst

he does his maths homework.

homework

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Got an insurance quote today for my car.

They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.

I thought, “Who’d nick a car that was on fire?”

"Why's your fire-and-theft policy so cheap?"

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“When might we take the kids to Disneyland?”

the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, “May.”

It’s been a blast watching her pack,

and the kids getting excited.

All I did was correct her grammar.

Disneyland

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A man walked over to a kid playing with a

huge lizard and asked if he could see it.

After fiddling around with it for a few moments,

he asked what its name was.

The kid replied with, “Tiny.”

“How on Earth did you ever get a name like that

for such a huge creature?” the man asked in awe.

The kid replied with, “Because he’s my newt!”

newt

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My wife is a mute.

She communicates by embroidery.

It’s her own version of sign language,

sew to speak.

embroidery

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I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory

after all the extra hours I put in.

clock factory

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I heard vandals have broken into

an origami exhibition

and ruined all the exhibits.

Police are trying to work out

how it all unfolded.

origami

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My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells

and told me I had to lift them all

over the next quarter of an hour.

Weight a minute…

fifteen heavy dumbbells

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What do you call seafood in a cement mixer?

Hardcore prawn.

cement mixer

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News just in:

Stevie Nicks has announced her

engagement to William Shatner.

When they get married she will

be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.

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A Surprise Test – Are You Ready?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We haven’t had a test for a long time – until today, that is!!!

Below, for those brave enough to have a go, you will find twenty-one questions, some easy, some difficult, some tricky and some a bit of all three.

Enjoy and good luck!!!

(Answers are waaaaay below, but no cheating!)

 

 

1.  Is it possible for Jane to stand behind Lee and Lee to stand behind Jane at the same time?

 

2.  Leather shoes are worn in bowling and rubber-soled sneakers are worn in tennis. In what sport are all metal shoes worn?

 

3.  How many times can you subtract 2 from the number 21?

 calculator man

4.  On a farm outside of Winchester is the world’s most perfect peach tree. The main trunk has exactly 24 branches, each branch exactly 12 boughs, each bough exactly 6 twigs, and each twig bears 1 fruit. How many apples are on the tree?

 

5.  How close a relative would the sister-in-law of your father’s only brother be?

 

6.  On an average day, what mode of transportation carries more passengers than any other?

 

7.  Which book of the Bible tells you about Abel slaying Cain?

 Holy Bible

8.  How do you pronounce VOL IX?

 

9.  When someone says, “I’ll break every bone in your body,” how many bones would they have to break — 50, 200, 500, or 1,000?

cartoon skeleton 

10. There are 14 punctuation marks in ENGLISH grammar. How many can you name? (9 is passing grade)

 

11. What 5 letter word has 4 vowels and 1 consonant?   (Hint: The British use this word for line.) 

 

12. Can you make 10 plus 4 = 2 ?

 

13. The amount of water in a tank doubles every minute. The tank is full in an hour. When was the tank half full?

 

14. Would it be cheaper for you to take 1 friend to the movies twice or to take 2 friends at the same time?

 MovieTheater

15. A young boy comes from school. He lives in a high-rise building. Some days, he gets off the elevator at the eighth floor and walks up four flights to his family’s apartment on the 12th floor. On other days, he goes right up to the 12th floor. Why the difference?

 

16. A laborer can dig a hole 8 feet square and 8 feet deep in 8 days. How long will it take him to dig a hole 4 feet square and 4 feet deep?

 digging a hole

17. Rearrange the following letters to form one English word:   P N L L E E E E S S S S S

 

18. A clock loses 10 minutes each hour. If the clock is set correctly at noon, what time is it when it reads 3 PM?

 animated clock counting down hours over seconds

19. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how long will it take 16 crows to steal 16 buttons?

 

20. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how many buttons can 16 crows steal in 16 minutes?

 8 buttons

21. An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show. One of them was the father of the other’s son. How was this possible?

 

Answers waaaaaay below

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ANSWERS

1.  Is it possible for Jane to stand behind Lee and Lee to stand behind Jane at the same time?

     Yes, if they stand back-to-back.

 

2.  Leather shoes are worn in bowling and rubber-soled sneakers are worn in tennis. In what sport are all metal shoes worn?

     Horse Racing.

 

3.  How many times can you subtract 2 from the number 21?

     Once. After that, you are subtracting from 19, 17, …

 

4.  On a farm outside of Winchester is the world’s most perfect peach tree. The main trunk has exactly 24 branches, each branch exactly 12 boughs, each bough exactly 6 twigs, and each twig bears 1 fruit. How many apples are on the tree?

None. It’s a peach tree, so it doesn’t bear apples.

 

5.  How close a relative would the sister-in-law of your father’s only brother be?

     Your mother.

 

6.  On an average day, what mode of transportation carries more passengers than any other?

     Elevators.

 

7.  Which book of the Bible tells you about Abel slaying Cain?

     None. Abel didn’t slay Cain?

 

8.  How do you pronounce VOL IX?

     Volume Nine.

 

9.  When someone says, “I’ll break every bone in your body,” how many bones would they have to break — 50, 200, 500, or 1,000?

     200.

 

10. There are 14 punctuation marks in ENGLISH grammar. How many can you name? (9 is passing grade)

     Period, comma, quotes, question mark, semicolon, colon, apostrophe, ellipses (…), dash, exclamation point, asterisk, braces, hyphen, brackets, parentheses. Actually, that is 15.

 

11. What 5 letter word has 4 vowels and 1 consonant?  (Hint: The British use this word for line.)

     QUEUE.   Queueing has five vowels in a row!

 

12.  Can you make 10 plus 4 = 2 ?

     10 o’clock + 4 hours = 2 o’clock. 

13. The amount of water in a tank doubles every minute. The tank is full in an hour. When was the tank half full?

     59 minutes.

 

14. Would it be cheaper for you to take 1 friend to the movies twice or to take 2 friends at the same time?

      Take 2 friends at the same time — you only have to buy 3 tickets. Taking them separately requires the purchase of 4 tickets.

 

15. A young boy comes from school. He lives in a high-rise building. Some days, he gets off the elevator at the eighth floor and walks up four flights to his family’s apartment on the 12th floor. On other days, he goes right up to the 12th floor. Why the difference?

     He is too short to reach button 12. Sometimes no one else is on the elevator.

 

16. A laborer can dig a hole 8 feet square and 8 feet deep in 8 days. How long will it take him to dig a hole 4 feet square and 4 feet deep?

     1 day. It is 1/8 the size of the large hole.

 

17.  Rearrange the following letters to form one English word:    P N L L E E E E S S S S S

     SLEEPLESSNESS.

 

18. A clock loses 10 minutes each hour. If the clock is set correctly at noon, what time is it when it reads 3 PM?

     3:36 PM. 
The clock loses 10 minutes each hour, so it loses 5 minutes every half-hour, and it loses 1 minute every 6 minutes.
It is 12:50 PM at 1:00 o’clock. 
It is 1:40 PM at 2:00 o’clock. 
It is 2:30 PM at 3:00 o’clock. 
It is 2:55 PM at 3:30 o’clock. 
It is 3:00 PM at 3:36 o’clock. 

 

19. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how long will it take 16 crows to steal 16 buttons?

     8 minutes.

 

20. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how many buttons can 16 crows steal in 16 minutes?

     32 buttons.

 

21. An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show. One of them was the father of the other’s son. How was this possible?

     They were husband and wife.

 

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