A Cunning Plan – If You Are An Idiot, That is!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you think you are a criminal mastermind it is usually a sure sign that you aren’t one. But stupid people are usually full of self-delusions – because of their stupidity.

And if you are a stupid thief, in your head you might have figured out that when you steal, for example, a TV from someone, the person most likely to need a replacement TV will be the person you stole it from.

Therefore, in stupid logic, what more cunning plan could you have than to break into a house, steal a lot of stuff and then sell it back to the victim of your crime. After all, you just know they need it.

Clever, eh?

Nope!

In normal, sensible logic, however, the scenario is somewhat different. Because anyone sensible will know right from the start that the person you stole the goods from will immediately recognize their own possessions and more than likely call the police.

Which is exactly what happened in the case of three teenage morons who snatched a video-game system and then tried to sell it back to their victim.

It happened in Denver and, according to the police, a woman returned home to discover her home had been burglarized, with the thieves apparently gaining entry through a window.

Among the items missing were a portable gaming system and a jacket.

The woman immediately called the cops.

But the robbery had unnerved her somewhat, so rather than waiting at her place, she arranged for officers to meet her in the parking lot of a nearby restaurant.

While waiting there, three teenage males sauntered up to her and asked her if she wanted to buy – you’re probably way ahead of me –  a portable gaming system, one that bore a remarkable resemblance to the one that had just been stolen from her place.

If that were not bad enough, one of the trio of teenage morons was wearing a jacket that looked a lot like hers.

As luck would have it, an off-duty cop was at a gas station next to the restaurant. He approached the trio of criminal masterminds and called for backup. Within moments they were placed into custody on suspicion of burglary.

You would hope that it would be a lesson to them but I think it’s safe to surmise that they are too stupid to learn.

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I See Boomerangs Are Making A Comeback.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not only boomerangs that are making a comeback  –  so are puns!

And I continue to do my little bit here on the fasab blog to help them.

So read on and enjoy!

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Any time I get something stuck in my throat,

I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It’s called the Heineken Maneuver.

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I saw a sign on the road while driving today that said,

Survey crew ahead.

I did. They looked okay.

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Me and my friends played a football match against a load of Marines yesterday.

At half time they brought on a Chinese bloke.

I thought to myself, he’s a yellow sub marine.

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Ever since I filled up my Zippo

I haven’t been able to lift it out of my pocket.

I think I need some lighter fluid.

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A girl winked at me across the room in Maths class today;

I think it was a sine…

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I’m the kinda guy who,

when asked to spell something over the phone,

says ‘G….for gnome’ just to throw them.

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My friend once decided to stick an arrow in the ground.

I couldn’t see the point.

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Whenever I write a letter to someone,

I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm’s law.

It’s my P.S. de resistance.

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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

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I’m just a farmer’s laborer,

but when girls ask what I do,

I find ‘Farm assist’ sounds better.

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I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high.

She looked pretty surprised.

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I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,

or is that just bollocks?

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I was arguing with my girlfriend in Pizza Hut the other day

when my best friend came over, grabbed the garlic bread

and coleslaw from our table and ran off.

I wish he would stop taking sides.

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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

Next morning, she rang and said,

“what are you doing with your life?”

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I used to be really good at reading braille.

But I lost my touch.

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Just got myself a new Czech girlfriend,

but it’s taken her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she’s a Slovak.

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My local gas station had a letter stolen from its sign last night.

Not to worry though, the company’s sending out an Esso S.

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The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn’t suck

is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry.

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When a bomb passes its sell by date, does it go off?

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If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear,

would Greece help?

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Clones Are People Two.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Great news today!

The September puns start here.

I know you will, but I’ll say it anyway.

Enjoy!

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My son broke his Apple computer today and

had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one.

I just told him, “Apples don’t grow on trees you know!”

 

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I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.

I did, however, get six years in jail

for armed robbery of a gas station.

 

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NBC have commissioned my new show about

what goes on inside an airplane cockpit.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

 

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A man walks into a library and says

“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

 

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People used to tell me being blind would

hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?

 

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My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa.

Looking back, she was aslut.

 

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My friend recently moved in with his girlfriend

and her massive magazine collection.

But when she refused to part with them he left her.

Apparently she had too many issues.

 

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I’m not worried about the Third World War.

That’s the Third World’s Problem.

 

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I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local bar.

All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

 

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Some guy broke into my house last night.

Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

 

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn’t drink, he was just bad at quizzes.

 

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I recently went on a holiday to a place called Romania.

It was useless; no one was even rowing.

 

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A guy I know has invented a new hobby

called “blindfold plane watching”.

Can’t see it taking off.

 

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I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,

“Maybe it would be better if I put it in.”

 

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My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.

“Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back.

I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?”

 

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Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name,

but no-one knows his real identity.

It’s a Mr E.

 

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I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment,

and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp.

That’s unthinkable!

 

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I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

The man said, “Is it for a clock?”

I said, “How do I know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

 

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I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend

so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

 

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I’ll leave you with a word of warning.

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Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case the title didn’t give it away, today is pun day!

Hurrah and enjoy!!

But first a quick medical alert….

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Medical Alert:

When you play golf iron deficiencies

can lead to a risk of increased strokes.

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

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I was devastated when my girlfriend left me for a dwarf.

I never thought she would stoop so low

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“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,”

said Tom heartlessly

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Ever wonder why the person who invented the door knocker

wasn’t awarded a No-bell prize.

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered

64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

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If anyone ever says to you that they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

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Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

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If you suffer from kleptomania,

should you take something for it?

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I’ve taken up a part time course in counterfeiting.

I’m forging ahead.

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I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

It happened on the forecourt of a gas station.

Very emotional breakup.

She was in tears and I was filling up….

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The latest market research shows a growing trend

for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing

greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

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Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet

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A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His mother said,

“How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?”

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I was watching a tv program about the people in Holland who make their traditional clogs?

I thought, I’d like to try that

Wooden shoe?

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A fishing boat is working the North Sea, when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

“Help! Help! We are sinking!”

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

“Zis is ze German coastguard. Vot are you sinking about?”

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I’ve eaten steak tartar,

but only on rare occasions

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un oeuf is enough as they say in France!

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing “Skyfall” over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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