Sometimes I Forget How Amazing My Memory Is.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi everyone. Its 2015 so a Very Happy New Year to one and all.

And to get this new year off to a good start here is a bit of word play for you.

Yes, it’s Pun Day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Drums with no skins.

You can’t beat them.

Drums with no skins

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Just to clear things up,

I use a brush

brush

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Want to hear a construction joke?

I’m building up to it.

simponsconstruct

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My leg won’t stop mooing.

I think I’ve got a calf injury.

mooing

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I’d find some affordable glasses,

in an eye deal world.

affordable glasses

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I had a fight with some

furniture the other day.

Nobody won though,

it was a drawer.

drawer

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A Spanish magician tells the audience

he will disappear on the count of three.

He says, “Uno, dos…..”

*POOF*

….he disappeared without a tres.

jorge-blass

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I was in good position to win the

International shoelace-tying

championships yesterday ,

But I buckled under the pressure.

shoelace-tying

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I just realized that I haven’t done

the hokey pokey in over 10 years.

I guess when you get older,

you just forget what it’s all about.

hokey pokey

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I hated my job as an escapologist.

I couldn’t get out of it quick enough.

escapologist

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An Irish ‘Star Trek’ fan has been

assassinated by the Mafia.

He was capped in Cork.

Cork, Ireland

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Whenever I see a broken elevator

I stair.

broken elevator

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My family regard my cousin

as a skeleton in the closet.

He’s a gay anorexic.

skeleton in the closet

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I’ve come to the belief that ‘crazy’

is a relative term with my family.

crazy

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Where does a Jamaican composer live?

In D flat.

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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May Day, May Day? Nope, Just Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mayday? No emergency here, unless you are allergic to bad jokes.

Coz it’s Pun Day again!

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’m in dispute with my TV program supplier

as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.  

satellite dish on the house

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My favourite pick up line…

‘Pick that up’        

Pick that up

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Breaking News:

“UN-Staffed office bombed”

Phew, just as well there was no-one there then.      

empty-office

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Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said,

“Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.”

Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humour?

picture framing shop

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My New Year’s resolution is to save

enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it. 

Velcro wall

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God is talking to one of his angels. He says,

“Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of

alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

good-day

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I came downstairs this morning

to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

curtains drawn

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I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.

I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” 

flooded front room crying

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Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

face-muscles

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I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden

death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.

He followed a few leads.

Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

Faulty plug on the life support machine

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My son was up all night answering questions about resistors.

His Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

Ohm work

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Towards the end of the Jurassic period,

the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become

extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

thesaurus_t-shirt

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Body-snatching.

It’s not the winning,

it’s the taking parts that counts.

Body-snatching

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This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator

was working fine, today it isn’t working at all.

It just doesn’t add up.

calculator

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When I was a boy, my friends said

quoting songs would get me nowhere.

Well, Against All Odds, Take A Look At Me Now.

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The Last Monday In July Means The Last Quiz For July!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another quiz day on the fasab blog.

As usual a random selection of questions, some quite difficult, but some that you should find easy enough.

When you are done check the answers which are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  What is the name of the art form that translated means ‘beauty writing’?

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Q.  2:  The Blue Fairy is a kindly figure in which Disney classic? (Now you knows this!)

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Q.  3:  What is the name of the Spanish soup served cold?

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Q.  4:  What is the longest poisonous snake in the world?

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Q.  5:  Eric Weisz is still believed by some to have made the first successful powered flight in Australia on March 18, 1910. Weisz was better known around the world under which stage name?

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Q.  6:  Which region in the Pacific ocean is also the name of a character in the Dr. Doolittle stories?

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Q.  7:  What is the name of the world’s oldest licensed whiskey distillery and in which country is it located? (a point for each answer)

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Q.  8:  Contestants from which three countries have won the most Miss Universe titles? 

(Take some bonus points if you know how many titles they have won.)

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Q.  9:  Which word, used in the world of espionage, stems from John Le Carre’s 1974 novel ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy’?

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Q. 10:  Kristal’ and ‘Krug’ are examples of which wine?

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Q. 11:  In space an ‘Event Horizon’ surrounds what kind of region?

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Q. 12:  Who was the first Hollywood actress to appear on a postage stamp?

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Q. 13:  When the definition of a desert is ‘an area with an average annual precipitation of less than 250 millimetres per year’; on which continent is the largest desert in the world?

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Q. 14:  Varig’ is the national airline in which country?

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Q. 15:  Name the American artist who uses Campbell’s Soup cans in his pop art?

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Q. 16:  What did American POW’s call the Hoa Lo prison camp in North Vietnam?

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Q. 17:  Widely used to orient buildings and even furniture, the term ‘Feng shui’, what is the English translation of this term? (Two words.)

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Q. 18:  Which breed of horse is also the name for a kind of bean?

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Q. 19:  Who was the only heavyweight champion to finish his boxing career with a perfect record? (49 wins-0 defeats).

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Q. 20:  Which film producer with a vegetable as a last name, was, until his death, involved in most of the James Bond films?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What is the name of the art form that translated means ‘beauty writing’?

A.  1:  Calligraphy.

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Q.  2:  The ‘Blue Fairy’ is a kindly figure in which Disney classic? (Now you knows this!)

A.  2:  Pinocchio.(Did you get the clue? ‘Knows’ = ‘nose’, whoops, not pun day, sorry!)

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Q.  3:  What is the name of the Spanish soup served cold?

A.  3:  Gazpacho.

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Q.  4:  What is the longest poisonous snake in the world?

A.  4:  The King Cobra.

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Q.  5:  Eric Weisz is still believed by some to have made the first successful powered flight in Australia on March 18, 1910. Weisz was better known around the world under which stage name?

A.  5:  Harry Houdini.

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Q.  6:  Which region in the Pacific ocean is also the name of a character in the Dr. Doolittle stories?

A.  6:  Polynesia. In the series of books, Polynesia is Doctor Dolittle’s parrot.

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Q.  7:  What is the name of the world’s oldest licensed whiskey distillery and in which country is it located? (a point for each answer)

A.  7:  Old Bushmills Distillery, located at Bushmills, County Antrim, Northern Ireland.

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Q.  8:  Contestants from which three countries have won the most Miss Universe titles? 

(Take some bonus points if you know how many titles they have won.)

A.  8:  USA (8: 1954, 1956, 1960, 1967, 1980, 1995, 1997, 2012),

Venezuela (6: 1979, 1981, 1986, 1996, 2008, 2009), and

Puerto Rico (5: 1970, 1985, 1993, 2001, 2006).

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Q.  9:  Which word, used in the world of espionage, stems from John Le Carre’s 1974 novel ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy’?

A.  9:  Mole.

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Q. 10:  Kristal’ and ‘Krug’ are examples of which wine?

A. 10:  Champagne.

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Q. 11:  In space an ‘Event Horizon’ surrounds what kind of region?

A. 11:  A Black hole.

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Q. 12:  Who was the first Hollywood actress to appear on a postage stamp?

A. 12:  Grace Kelly.

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Q. 13:  When the definition of a desert is ‘an area with an average annual precipitation of less than 250 millimetres per year’; on which continent is the largest desert in the world?

A. 13:  The Antarctic. (Most people would say ‘The Sahara’ which is the largest ‘hot’ desert area in the world.)

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Q. 14:  Varig’ is the national airline in which country?

A. 14:  Brazil.

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Q. 15:  Name the American artist who uses Campbell’s Soup cans in his pop art?

A. 15:  Andy Warhol.

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Q. 16:  What did American POW’s call the Hoa Lo prison camp in North Vietnam?

A. 16:  The Hanoi Hilton.

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Q. 17:  Widely used to orient buildings and even furniture, the term ‘Feng shui’, what is the English translation of this term? (Two words.)

A. 17:  Feng shui translated into English means ‘Wind-Water’.

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Q. 18:  Which breed of horse is also the name for a kind of bean?

A. 18:  Pinto.

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Q. 19:  Who was the only heavyweight champion to finish his boxing career with a perfect record? (49 wins-0 defeats).

A. 19:  Rocky Marciano.

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Q. 20:  Which film producer with a vegetable as a last name, was, until his death, involved in most of the James Bond films?

A. 20:  Albert R (Cubby) Broccoli.

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So how did you do?

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Let’s Have Some More Pun Today

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for a few more puns for those of you who like a bit of word play, or just enjoy some bad jokes dressed up as clever stuff.

Enjoy.

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You know prices are rising when you buy a winter jacket and even down is up.

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I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn’t click.

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Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.          

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The indecisive rower couldn’t choose either oar.

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5000 hares have escaped from the zoo.

The police are combing the area.

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The blind guy was sure he could master braille once he got a feel for it.

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The trailer for the movie was produced without a hitch!

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Did you hear about the beautiful but strict high school teacher?

She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!

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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

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Scientist one: “I’m going to try to clone myself.”

Scientist two: “Now wouldn’t that be just like you!”

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Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

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I’m inclined to be laid back.

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I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.      

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Don’t trust people who do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.

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My wife tells me I’m a skeptic – but I don’t believe a word she says.        

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In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.

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A pun about a monorail always makes for a decent one-liner!

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And finally, did you hear about the girl who got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun?

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