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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the last Pun Day….

Of this July that is, I hope you didn’t get your hopes up too high.

Anyway here are the latest offerings.

Enjoy or endure!

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This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit.

It’s just a front.

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What do you call a couple

who go fishing together?

Rod and Annette.

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I hate jokes about Vietnam.

They really Hanoi me.

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My new book about Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

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I was touched by my Granddad

when I was a little boy.

His tear jerking tales of world war two

were simply heartbreaking.

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I was telling the police officer

how local youths had thrown

a milk bottle at me and just missed.

He asked, “Skimmed past your face?”

I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” 

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‘My post box’

has got nine letters in it.

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I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted

to racially segregate our wedding.

They didn’t really warm to it.

I was met with a mixed reception.

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Age isn’t

“just a number”

– it’s quite clearly a word

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People who confuse

the metaphorical and the factual

make my head literally explode.

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My girlfriend was disappointed when

I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when

I found out she didn’t even play darts.

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I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.   

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I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles.

He told me to drop my trousers and pants and bend over.

As I pulled my cheeks apart, he said,

“I’m going to need your whole name.”

I said, “I just call it my asshole.”

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Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.

Only with more headlines.

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Time traveller’s convention next June.

I’m there.

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What Do Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you were ever in any doubt, let me assure you that when you elect morons to positions where they can legislate for the rest of us then you are assured that they will spend their time and our money making stupid laws, rules and regulations.

It happens in every country and in every state in every country. Such is the horrendous scale of the problem that I would be blogging forever if I tried to highlight worldwide stupidity, so as an example let’s look at some of the lesser known laws that govern citizens in the United States of America (I will list them state by state alphabetically. Part one today is A to L).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).

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ALABAMA

• It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of spooking horses. 
• In Alabama, it is against the law to wear a fake mustache that could cause laughter in the church. 
• A voter spending more than four minutes in a voting booth can be asked to hurry up.

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ALASKA

• No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car.
• A clumsy or unknowledgeable person may not use a ski-lift.
• Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops.
• It is a crime to deceive a machine.

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ARIZONA

• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• It is illegal to buy a human egg in order to clone yourself.
• You may not leave a fishing pole unattended.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
  

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ARKANSAS

• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. (Ridiculous idea!)
• Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. (How about a “woof”?) 
• It is against the law to own a dangerous cat.

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CALFORNIA

• The Shell Egg Advisory Committee must have seven members.
• City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” (A little bit of role reversal there.)
• In Chino, testing a nuclear device within the city limits is prohibited.
• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood took the chair – as mayor, I mean)
• If you are selling your house you must warn potential buyers if the house is thought to be haunted.

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COLORADO

• It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property. (I’m so cross I could spit!)
• It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. (Quite right too, let them wallow in their filth and bring the whole neighborhood image down.)

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CONNECTICUT

• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
• Selling a spool of thread without first stating its length is subject to a penalty of up to three months in prison.
• It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. (And just plain dumb to do it in daylight.)
• It is illegal to sell milk from skinny cows.
• You may not educate dogs. (Or legislators, it seems!)
• It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

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DELAWARE

• No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk. (But actually sleeping is okay?)
• One may not whisper in church. (But if we talk loudly won’t it disrupt the Service?)

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FLORIDA

• Doors of all public buildings must open outwards. (Pushist legislation if ever I saw it.)
• It is illegal for female hot dog stand attendants to wear G-strings. 
• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• In West Palm Beach it is a crime to hang a carpet in public.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (And bloody dangerous I would imagine!)
• You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. (But someone else’s wife is okay?)

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GEORGIA

• It is a crime to sell your child off to a circus. 
• The term “sadomasochistic abuse” is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit.
• It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. (FFS, oops!)
• No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. (Don’t they mean “a Sundae”?)
• One is not permitted to noodle a fish. (I don’t know what this means but it sounds a bit pervy.)
• Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. (There it is again, what’s going on?)
• All citizens must own a rake. (Leaf us alone!)

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HAWAII

• All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. (Canoe believe this one?)
• In Maui County building an atomic bomb is subject to a fine.
• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears. (They’ll have to make change here.)

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IDAHO

• It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
• You may not fish on a camel’s back. (I take the hump at that rule.)
• Cannibalism is prohibited unless under life threatening situations. 
• Residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back. (They’ve got some neck on them!)
• It is a crime for anyone who is not blind to use a white cane.
• A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face. (Another good reason for reading the fasab blog!)

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ILLINOIS

• You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. (The buck stops here.)
• The English language is not to be spoken. (That’s becoming more and more true of a lot of states in the US)
• In Minooka it is illegal to “suffer any bitch or slut”. 
• One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth. (Just how much of this was going on that they thought they needed a law against it? Or is someone just taking the piss??)
• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. (The hell with that.)
• In Joliet the word “Joliet” must be pronounced properly, with the accent on the first syllable.
• It is illegal to give a dog whiskey. (What a waste, I wouldn’t dream of it.)
• In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb. (There goes a good night out!)
• It is against the law to sell a smelly mattress. 
• Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays. (I guess I’ll have to take a bath Saturdays in Illinois.)
• Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

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INDIANA

• Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. (Even for single beds?)
• Stupefying fish is against the law.
• The value of Pi is 3. (No it isn’t.)
• It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. (That a hard one – to enforce I mean!)
• Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. (Definitely have to remember to stay out of Illinois then.)
• Possessing a weapon of mass destruction is against the law.
• It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. (Even if it is coming from the other direction?)

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IOWA

• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
• It is illegal to catch more than 48 frogs in one day.
• One-armed piano players must perform for free.
• Within the city limits of Ottumwa, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

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KANSAS

• Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. (How illuminating.)
• It is against the law to modify the weather without a permit.
• No one may catch fish with his bare hands. 
• The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
• If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. (That law will get us nowhere.)
• No one may sing the alphabet on the streets at night. (What’s the penalty for lettering?)

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KENTUCKY

• One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.
• One may not receive anal sex. (No problem.)
• Nudist colonies must make themselves available for inspection by the local sheriff. 
• A woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission. (So that’s why they went out of fashion.)

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LOUISIANA

• It is a $500 fine to instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to your friend without them knowing.
• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (Okay, if I ever do that I’ll use a real gun.)
• Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault”. (If you have no teeth can you just give them a big suck?)

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The Stupidest Fish In The River

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Most of the time, about 90 percent, in this blob we look at stupid humans and the various ways we interact with them and they themselves interact with society.

Sometimes these incidents have involved animals and other species. But animals and the rest can be dumb in their own right and do dumb things.

A while ago one of my posts, “Care To Dance”, featured, let’s say a less than successful but very funny fisherman called Bill Dance from Tennessee

If Bill had just gone to the Wabash River in Indiana he might have been a lot more successful with his catch!

Have a look at the video and you’ll see what I mean.

Enjoy!

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Care To Dance?

“The Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

I know this blog is all about highlighting stupid rules and regulations and the even stupider people who are put in place to enforce them. Similarly with bureaucrats and bureaucracy.

The blog is called FASAB because we, as reasonably normal and sane individuals should Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy wherever and whenever we see and experience it, not just timidly accept it. Very serious message, just trying to illustrate it in a humorous way where possible.

As in everything there are degrees of this stupidity.

There are people who dress rather stupidly as in yesterday’s blog. Or people who do stupid things when they are working or just going about their normal lives. That’s the acceptable face of stupidity. It entertains us rather than angers us, although it can be a bit frustrating at times too.

The really dangerous fools are the ones who have been placed in positions, usually in government and local government positions, or in banks or large companies we have to interact with, who have no ability intellectually but who have been handed the ability to mess with our lives. These are the people that we should not bow down to, that we should not tolerate and who we should expose, ridicule and fight against wherever and whenever we find them.

Then there are those from the former group, who are prone to do stupid things, but who are smart enough to realize that maybe they can make a bit of a living out of their mishaps. One such person is a guy from Tennessee called Bill Dance.

If you haven’t heard of Bill, he is a retired professional tournament angler and nowadays hosts a reasonably successful TV show about fishing called Bill Dance Outdoors. Each episode is about half an hour long and is a mixture of illustrating various fishing techniques, product advertising, and tips and tricks. Sometimes Bill has celebrities like Terry Bradshaw, Hank Williams, Jr., Mel Tillis, Jerry Reed, or others along with him.

If you are into fishing then you should give it a look, its now on Versus in the US (formerly the Outdoor Life Network.

Now I know some of you are thinking this fishing talk is boring. What has it got to do with a blog like this? Yes, I know where you’re coming from. I am not a fanatical fisherman and never have been. I think I was put off the sport at a very early age when I went fishing with a complete idiot who proceeded to hook the back of my shirt when he was casting his line and dragged me backwards into a lake.

Although, as I’ve gotten older, it does have a greater appeal. As long as you were idiot free what a nice relaxing way to spend the afternoon, maybe writing an entry for your blog???

But whatever your views on fishing, Bill is a great illustration of the group we talked about at the beginning, people who are stupid, but harmless (except to themselves), and who consistently do stupid things that serve to entertain rather than annoy.

Watch the videos and enjoy. If you don’t laugh at least once seek medical help immediately –  there’s something wrong with you! (I have just picked a couple at random, so there may be a bit of repetition, but if you are anything like me you’ll find it funny even the second time!)

Hope you enjoy.

 

 

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.