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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the last Pun Day….

Of this July that is, I hope you didn’t get your hopes up too high.

Anyway here are the latest offerings.

Enjoy or endure!

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This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit.

It’s just a front.

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What do you call a couple

who go fishing together?

Rod and Annette.

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I hate jokes about Vietnam.

They really Hanoi me.

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My new book about Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

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I was touched by my Granddad

when I was a little boy.

His tear jerking tales of world war two

were simply heartbreaking.

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I was telling the police officer

how local youths had thrown

a milk bottle at me and just missed.

He asked, “Skimmed past your face?”

I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” 

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‘My post box’

has got nine letters in it.

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I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted

to racially segregate our wedding.

They didn’t really warm to it.

I was met with a mixed reception.

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Age isn’t

“just a number”

– it’s quite clearly a word

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People who confuse

the metaphorical and the factual

make my head literally explode.

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My girlfriend was disappointed when

I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when

I found out she didn’t even play darts.

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I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.   

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I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles.

He told me to drop my trousers and pants and bend over.

As I pulled my cheeks apart, he said,

“I’m going to need your whole name.”

I said, “I just call it my asshole.”

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Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.

Only with more headlines.

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Time traveller’s convention next June.

I’m there.

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Time For Another Fun Filled Facts Day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes it’s time for another day filled with those fun facts that we all like to read.

And they’ll come in handy when you least expect it, as one or two people have already found out.

So learn and enjoy!

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In the 1800s feeding lobster to prisoners

was considered to be ‘a cruel and unusual punishment,

like making people eat rats’.

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Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.

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The Guinness Book of Records holds the record

for being the book most often stolen from Libraries.

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In Albania,

nodding your head means ‘no’

and shaking your head means ‘yes’.

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You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

How unique is that?

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In India, Pajamas are accepted as standard daytime wearing apparel.

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A female oyster produces 100 million young in her lifetime;

the typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year;

rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants;

and it is possible for one female cat to be responsible for the birth of 20,736 kittens in four years.

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The greatest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69,

to the wife of Feodor Vassilyev (b. 1707–c.1782), a peasant from Shuya, Russia.

In 27 confinements she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.

Only two of the children failed to survive their infancy.

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750ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute

which is 15-20% of blood flow from the heart.

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The February of 1865 and 1999 are the only months

in recorded history not to have a full moon.

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It has been estimated that at any one time

around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

Cheers!

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The name Jeep comes from “GP”,

the army abbreviation for General Purpose.

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Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter, Ruth,

not the baseball player.

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Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files

(i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”).

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55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

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Sherlock Holmes NEVER said ‘Elementary, my dear Watson!’

Holmes does use the word ‘elementary’ in The Crooked Man (1894)

but ‘Elementary, my dear Watson’ itself was coined 21 years later

by P.G. Wodehouse in his novel Psmith, Journalist (1915).

However, Holmes did ejaculate several times, as did Watson and others.

In fact, there are 23 ejaculations in total, with 11 belonging to Watson and 6 to Holmes.

On one occasion, Holmes refers to Watson’s ‘ejaculations of wonder’ being invaluable;

on another, Watson ejaculates ‘from his very heart’ in the direction of his fiancée.

A chap called Phelps ejaculated three times during the story of The Naval Treaty.

The only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair’s husband,

who ejaculates at her from a second-floor window!

It is not clear whether it is Holmes or Watson who ejaculates in the passage below,

taken from “The Man with the Twisted Lip”, 1891:

“So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up,

and I found the summer sun shining into the apartment. The pipe was still between his lips,

the smoke still curled upward, and the room was full of a dense tobacco haze,

but nothing remained of the heap of shag which I had seen upon the previous night.”

Isn’t the English Language wonderful.

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