It’s The Day You All Look Forward To – Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, maybe not ‘all’ of you. But some people like them.

Here are a few more.

Enjoy or endure!

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I just learned the other day that a violin

is comprised of seventy separate pieces of wood.

It must be a fiddly job putting it all together!

violin maker

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I named my car flattery.

It gets me nowhere.

broken down car

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I got depressed when I lost my job at the Apple factory.

“Have you been taking any tablets?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah. Why do you think I got fired?”

Apple itablet

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I’ve started a band called ‘Nostalgia’.

If we don’t make it, at least people will remember us fondly.

Obracken-NostalgiaGoodTimesGoodTimes569

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My wife planted some seeds in the garden a while back

and just recently they’ve pushed through the soil.

She said to me today, “What do you think they are?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.  

“But they’ve definitely grown hyacinth we last looked at them.”

hyacinth

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I hopped on a bus today.

After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

Hopping-off-the-Bus

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Just had to close my new restaurant down.

It was called “Mexican Tortilla”.

I just kept getting calls from language students…

Mexican Tortilla

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As I sat cleaning my rifle, my wife nagged,

“I think you love that gun more than me.”

“Are you even listening to me?” she asked.

“Yes, deer,” I replied.

man-cleaning-inside-the-barrel-of-his-unloaded-rifle-gun-clipart-by-dennis-cox-at-wackystock

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I’ll never forget my first love.

She took me outside and showed me the garden.

She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden.

Full of water.

“Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

wishing well

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I started a business selling life support machines

but I’m on the verge of going bust.

Ironically, I’ve got to pull the plug.

life support machines

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A psychic told me how to get more friends on Facebook,

and it worked!

What a great social medium.

Cartoon-Fortune-Teller

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I tried to do a computer course

but I couldn’t hack it

computer course

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Just got back from the ‘Free Pussy Riot’ march.

Not what I was expecting,

apparently they’re some Russian band.

'Free Pussy Riot'

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Contrary to popular belief Owls are not wise,

they’re stupid and illiterate.

It’s “Tu Whit Tu WHOM!”

cartoon-owl

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“It’s nice to be served by somebody English for a change,”

I said to the waitress in a café.

“These days most of you are foreign and don’t understand a word I say. For instance…”

“For instance, what?” said the waitress, after a long pause.

“Four instant coffees, please.”

cartoon-of-aggressive-waitress

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First Quiz For December. Let’s See How You Do.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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First of the Monday quizzes for December.

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating please.

Enjoy, and good luck!

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quiz 05

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Q.  1: In which American state did the English first settle in 1607?

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Q.  2:  What name was given to a pilot who flew suicide missions in World War II?

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Q.  3:  Whish of these is the name of a town or city in Turkey?

a)  Batman        b)  Robin           c)  Joker

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Q.  4:  Who was the first person to cross the English channel with an airplane?

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Q.  5:  Fifty years ago, on November 22nd 1963, President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas but what was the name of the airport where Air Force One landed on that fateful journey?

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Q.  6:  Why did the Roman Catholic church ban Mozart’s music?

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Q.  7:  Australia built fences across outback areas to contain what agricultural pest?

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Q.  8:  Which country’s troops invaded Cambodia in 1979?

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Q.  9:  Who played an aging Jewish Nazi hunter named ‘Ezra Lieberman’ and in what movie? (A point for each answer.)

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Q. 10:  In which country is the site of the famous battle of Waterloo?

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Q. 11:  Which American diva got married after a whirlwind romance, in 2008?

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Q. 12:  What were the first names the four members of the ‘Cartwright family’ and what long running television show they were in?  (Character’s names, not their real names and you can have a point for each.)

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Q. 13:  What do the actors Rex Harrison, Yul Brynner and Yun Fat Chow all have in common?

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Q. 14:  Who noted the day before he was killed in 1968: “I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man”?

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Q. 15:  What famous television series starred Marilu Henner, Judd Hirsch and Danny DeVito?

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Q. 16:  In which 1964 musical movie was Audrey Hepburn’s singing dubbed by Marni Nixon?

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Q. 17:  In which country, until 1922, was the Ruler referred to as ‘Sultan of the Ottoman Empire’?

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Q. 18:  Which nanny did Julie Andrews win an Oscar for playing?

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Q. 19:  Which Scottish engineer gave the first public demonstration of television in 1925?

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Q. 20:  Which song by Survivor is the best selling UK heavy metal release of all time?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1: In which American state did the English first settle in 1607?

A.  1:  Virginia.

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Q.  2:  What name was given to a pilot who flew suicide missions in World War II?

A.  2:  Kamikaze.

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Q.  3:  Whish of these is the name of a town or city in Turkey?

a)  Batman        b)  Robin           c)  Joker

A.  3:  a)  Batman  (Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo….)

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Q.  4:  Who was the first person to cross the English channel with an airplane?

A.  4:  Louis Blèriot.

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Q.  5:  Fifty years ago, on November 22nd 1963, President Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas but what was the name of the airport where Air Force One landed on that fateful journey?

A.  5:  Love Field.

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Q.  6:  Why did the Roman Catholic church ban Mozart’s music?

A.  6:  He joined the Freemasons.

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Q.  7:  Australia built fences across outback areas to contain what agricultural pest?

A.  7:  Rabbits.

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Q.  8:  Which country’s troops invaded Cambodia in 1979?

A.  8:  Vietnam.

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Q.  9:  Who played an aging Jewish Nazi hunter named ‘Ezra Lieberman’ and in what movie? (A point for each answer.)

A.  9:  Laurence Olivier in ‘The Boys From Brazil’.

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Q. 10:  In which country is the site of the famous battle of Waterloo?

A. 10:  Belgium.

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Q. 11:  Which American diva got married after a whirlwind romance, in 2008?

A. 11:  Mariah Carey.

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Q. 12:  What were the first names the four members of the ‘Cartwright family’ and what long running television show they were in?  (Character’s names, not their real names and you can have a point for each.)

A. 12:  Ben, Adam, Eric (Hoss), and Joesph (Little Joe) in Bonanza.

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Q. 13:  What do the actors Rex Harrison, Yul Brynner and Yun Fat Chow all have in common?

A. 13:  They have all played the King (King Mongkut) in film. Harrison (‘Anna and the King of Siam’, 1946) Brynner (‘The King and I’, 1956), Chow (‘Anna and the King’, 1999).

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Q. 14:  Who noted the day before he was killed in 1968: “I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man”?

A. 14:  Martin Luther King.

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Q. 15:  What famous television series starred Marilu Henner, Judd Hirsch and Danny DeVito?

A. 15:  Taxi.

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Q. 16:  In which 1964 musical movie was Audrey Hepburn’s singing dubbed by Marni Nixon?

A. 16:  My Fair Lady.

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Q. 17:  In which country, until 1922, was the Ruler referred to as ‘Sultan of the Ottoman Empire’?

A. 17:  Turkey.

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Q. 18:  Which nanny did Julie Andrews win an Oscar for playing?

A. 18:  Mary Poppins.

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Q. 19:  Which Scottish engineer gave the first public demonstration of television in 1925?

A. 19:  John Logie Baird.

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Q. 20:  Which song by Survivor is the best selling UK heavy metal release of all time?

A. 20:  Eye of the Tiger.

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Controversial Post? – Should We Get Rid Of Homos?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some blogs meander along trying to be very politically correct. But not here at fasab. Controversial or not, the philosophy here is to tell it as it is.

So to repeat the question in the title…. 

Should we get rid of homos?

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Of course, I’m talking about homographs and homophones – I don’t know what YOU were thinking of?

If you are a regular visitor to this blog you will know that quite often we have a look at amusing misprints or mistakes on signs, classified ads, newspaper headlines, or wherever else they can be found.

Nearly always the problem is peoples’ failure to grasp the intricacies of the English language.

If you are born and bred in an English speaking country then it is relatively easy to grasp the basics of the language, although there is a steady deterioration in some of these, like speleling for example. (That was a deliberate mistake for comic affect by the way.)

So what about the homos then?

For those who haven’t made up their mind yet, a homograph – (also known as a heteronym, but where would have been the fun in that title?) – is a word of the same written form as another but of different meaning and usually different origin.

Sometimes it is pronounced the same as the other word, in which case it is known as a homograph.

homograph definition

Sometimes they are pronounced differently, in which case they are called homophones.

homophone definition

An example of the former is the word “letter” which is pronounced the same whether the meaning is a message written to someone, or to describe a particular member of the alphabet such as ‘A’, ‘B’, ‘C’, etc.

An example of the latter could be the word “lead” which is pronounced differently if it means a metal (“the lead was very heavy”), or to be the front runner of a group of people (“he was in the lead”).

There are a lot more homos around than you might at first think. Here are just a few examples I saw recently. I hope you find them interesting and maybe even begin to realize what a nightmare learning the English language must be for those not immersed in it from a very young age.

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1) The bandage was “wound” around the “wound”.

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2) The farm was used to “produce” “produce”.

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3) The dump was so full that it had to “refuse” more “refuse”.

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4) We must “polish” the “Polish” furniture.

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5) He could “lead” if he would get the “lead” out.

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6) The soldier decided to “desert”  his “dessert” in the “desert”.

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7) Since there is no time like the “present”, he thought it was time to “present” the “present”.

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8) A “bass” was painted on the head of the “bass” drum.

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9) When shot at the “dove”  “dove” into the bushes.

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10) I did not “object” to the “object”.

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11) The insurance was “invalid” for the “invalid”.

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12) There was a “row” among the oarsmen about how to “row”.

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13) They were too “close” to the door to “close” it.

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14) The buck “does” funny things when the “does” are present.

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15) A seamstress and a “sewer” fell down into a “sewer” line.

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16) The farmer used a “sow” to help him “sow” the crop.

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17) The “wind” was too strong to “wind” the sail.

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18) Upon seeing the “tear” in the painting I shed a “tear”.

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19) I had to “subject” the “subject” to a series of tests.

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20) How can I “intimate” this to my most “intimate” friend?

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Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. 

For example, there are no “eggs” in “eggplant”, nor “ham” in “hamburger”.  

There is neither “pine” nor “apple” in “pineapple”.

“English” muffins weren’t invented in “England” nor “French” fries in “France”.

“Sweetmeats” are “sweet” but are candies and not “meats”, whereas “sweetbreads” are neither “sweet” nor “bread”, but in fact meat.

Boxing “rings” are “square” and a “guinea pig” is neither from “Guinea” nor is it a “pig”.

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And why is it that “writers” “write”, but “fingers” don’t “fing”, “grocers” don’t “groce” and “hammers” don’t “ham”?

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If the plural of “tooth” is “teeth”, why isn’t the plural of “booth”, “beeth”? Why one “index”, but two or more “indices”?  Or why do you have one “goose” and two “geese”, and one “moose” but never two “meese”?

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You can make “amends” but what do you do if you have just one thing to amend? Or if you have a bunch of “odds and ends” and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call what’s left?

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If teachers “taught”, why didn’t preachers “praught”?

And if a “vegetarian” eats vegetables, what does a “humanitarian” eat?

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In what other language would people “recite at a play” and “play at a recital”; have “noses” that “run” and “feet” that “smell”; or send a “shipment” by “car” and “cargo” by “ship”?

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How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” be the same, while a “wise man” and a “wise guy” are opposites?

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Or why can people like the Amish “raise” a barn, meaning to “erect” a building, whereas everywhere else when we “raise” a building to the ground we mean we “demolish” it?

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You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn “up” as it burns “down”; in which you “fill in” a form by “filling it out”; and in which an alarm goes “off” by going “on”.

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Even when you are standing still you can be part of the human “race” and you can look at the stars which are visible when they are “out”, unlike a light which is invisible when it is “out”.

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Finally, there is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP”.

It’s easy to understand “UP”, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we “wake UP”? At a meeting, why does a topic “come UP”? Why do we “speak UP”?

Or do what I am going to do now, which is to “shut UP”.

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Another Monday – Another Quiz Day, What Else Can I say?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes another start to the week, and here on the fasab blog that means another quiz.

We’ll start off with a relatively easy one today, but the others may be more challenging. Still that’s what we want. If they were too simple what would be the point?

As always the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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Quiz 4 

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Q.  1: It is ‘Kar’ in Turkish, ‘Lumi’ in Finnish, ‘Neve’ in Italian, ‘Nieve’ in Spanish and ‘Neige’ in French, but what is it called in English?

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Q.  2:  How many sides does a dodecahedron have?

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Q.  3:  It consists of seven letters and is a noun meaning ‘chorus’ and a verb meaning ‘to cease’, what is it?

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Q.  4:  Which famous Hollywood actor was buried in his Dracula costume?

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Q.  5:  What name is given to the Japanese dish of thinly sliced meat, vegetables and seasoning all cooked together quickly, usually at the table?

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Q.  6:  Based on the total number of passengers per year, the two busiest metro (subway) systems in the world are in which cities?  (One point for each correct answer.)

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Q.  7:  What was the name of the child in the TV series ‘Bewitched’?

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Q.  8:  What is the stage name of Sir Thomas John Woodward?

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Q.  9:  What is the largest city in the US named after a British PM?

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Q. 10:  Claret wine is produced in the region surrounding which French city?

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Q. 11:  How many prime numbers are there between 10 and 20?

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Q. 12:  ‘Allegro’ is a musical direction meaning to play how?

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Q. 13:  How many squares/spaces on a chess board?

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Q. 14:  Which famous singer was first offered, but thankfully did not get or accept, the TV role of ‘Lieutenant Colombo’?

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Q. 15:  What is the name of Sherlock Holmes’ housekeeper?

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Q. 16:  What was the name of the park ranger frequently outwitted by Yogi Bear?

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Q. 17:  Who was the daughter of the prophet Muhammad?

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Q. 18:  From which country did the dish ‘chilli con carne’ originate? 

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Q. 19:  Until the mid 16th century “sea dogs” was the English word for which type of predator?

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Q. 20:  What are the two missing words in this famous quote from the classic movie ‘Casablanca’?

“Of all the … ….. in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine”

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1: It is ‘Kar’ in Turkish, ‘Lumi’ in Finnish, ‘Neve’ in Italian, ‘Nieve’ in Spanish and ‘Neige’ in French, but what is it called in English?

A.  1:  Snow

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Q.  2:  How many sides does a dodecahedron have?

A.  2:  12

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Q.  3:  It consists of seven letters and is a noun meaning ‘chorus’ and a verb meaning ‘to cease’, what is it?

A.  3:  Refrain

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Q.  4:  Which famous Hollywood actor was buried in his Dracula costume?

A.  4:  Bela Lugosi

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Q.  5:  What name is given to the Japanese dish of thinly sliced meat, vegetables and seasoning all cooked together quickly, usually at the table?

A.  5:  Sukiyaki

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Q.  6:  Based on the total number of passengers per year, the two busiest metro (subway) systems in the world are in which cities?  (One point for each correct answer.)

A.  6:  Tokyo and Moscow

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Q.  7:  What was the name of the child in the TV series ‘Bewitched’?

A.  7:  Tabitha.

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Q.  8:  What is the stage name of Sir Thomas John Woodward?

A.  8:  Tom Jones

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Q.  9:  What is the largest city in the US named after a British PM?

A.  9:  Pittsburgh

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Q. 10:  Claret wine is produced in the region surrounding which French city?

A. 10:  Bordeaux

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Q. 11:  How many prime numbers are there between 10 and 20?

A. 11:  Four (11, 13, 17 and 19)

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Q. 12:  ‘Allegro’ is a musical direction meaning to play how?

A. 12:  Lively/fast

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Q. 13:  How many squares/spaces on a chess board?

A. 13:  64

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Q. 14:  Which famous singer was first offered, but thankfully did not get or accept, the TV role of ‘Lieutenant Colombo’?

A. 14:  Bing Crosby

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Q. 15:  What is the name of Sherlock Holmes’ housekeeper?

A. 15:  Mrs Hudson

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Q. 16:  What was the name of the park ranger frequently outwitted by Yogi Bear?

A. 16:  Ranger John Smith

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Q. 17:  Who was the daughter of the prophet Muhammad?

A. 17:  Fatimah

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Q. 18:  From which country did the dish ‘chilli con carne’ originate? 

A. 18:  The USA.

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Q. 19:  Until the mid 16th century “sea dogs” was the English word for which type of predator?

A. 19:  Sharks

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Q. 20:  What are the two missing words in this famous quote from the classic movie ‘Casablanca’?

“Of all the … ….. in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine”

A. 20:  “gin joints”

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Lost In Translation Too!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last Saturday I talked about the movie ‘Lost in Translation’ and how trying to communicate in a language that you don’t understand can have comic consequences.

I have had a few dodgy experiences using things like Google translator or Bing’s verson or even Bable Fish, but thankfully none quite as bad as this next bunch of signs.

Enjoy.

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All of which goes to prove that it is easier to get the

message across using symbols instead of words!

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Lost In Translation

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There was a movie a few years ago called ‘Lost In Translation’ starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson. It was about a jaded film star and a neglected wife who form an unlikely bond after meeting in a hotel in Tokyo, with the problem of translation between English and Japanese forming a sub theme.

It wasn’t a movie to everyone’s taste, but if you haven’t seen it definitely worth a look. It was nominated for four Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actor for Bill Murray, and Best Director for Sofia Coppola, with Coppola winning for Best Original Screenplay. Scarlett Johansson won a BAFTA award for Best Actress in a Leading Role.

All that is by way of introduction to today’s post which is also about how the real meaning of what you try to say can sometimes be lost in translation.

The following signs are good examples that illustrate the point and hopefully amuse.

Enjoy.

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Did You Know…. Another Random Selection Of Facts From The Fasab Files

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More from the fascinating fact file.

Here are a few more things that you didn’t know you didn’t know.

Enjoy.

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did you know 5

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There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

change for a dollar

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A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye

can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.

So the book is wrong!

500 shades of gray.

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A pregnant goldfish is called a twit 

–  especially by her parents!

goldfish.

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If you plant an apple seed,

it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree

of a different type of apple.

apple tree.

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Andorra, a tiny country between France & Spain,

has the longest average lifespan:

83.49 years.

Andorra.

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“The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick”

is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

tongue twister.

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‘Duff’ is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.

forest.

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Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible.

archangels.

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Abraham Lincoln’s ghost is said to haunt the White House.

lincoln ghost.

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Only female mosquitoes bite.

mosquito female.

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The past-tense of the English word “dare” is “durst”

past tense.

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Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”

friday the 13th.

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Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

(and ninety percent of that ninety percent have no clue where they are going!)

NY cabbies rogues.

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The volume of the earth’s moon is the same

as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.

moon.

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The New York phone book had 22 Hitlers before WWII.

The New York phone book had 0 Hitlers after WWII.

phone book.

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King Louis XIX ruled France for about 15 minutes 

–  he succeeded with abdication of Charles X

only to abdicate in favor of Henry V.

Louis_antoine_artois.

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Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves

when they rode past their king.

This custom has become the modern military salute.

armored knight.

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Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.

(and all new babies look just like him, except your own of course!)

 Churchill babies

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