It’s D-Day! – De Day For Puns Dat Is!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, the day you all look forward to, pun day!

First, since it is June 6^th I’ll take the opportunity to recommend one of the best WWII movies ever made. Called “The Longest Day” it is a dramatic account of the Normandy Landings that took place on this day in 1944.

But back to today and those puns.

Enjoy!

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Do you think that people who don’t want to be counted

have taken leave of their census?

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Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

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To qualify as an electrician these days

you have to pass a battery of tests.

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Do people who steal trains have a loco-motive?

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Do banks with competing loan rates

have a conflict of interest?

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When they build a new hive

do bees have a house swarming party?

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Is it just me……

or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

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You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

The Credible Hulk.

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I was in an English exam and they asked

“Write the past tense of ‘Think'”

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’

I bought a carpet off this girl I’ve been dating.

We broke up, but at least I got a good shag.

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Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.

It was scary, but I was really impressed at how well he’d trained it.

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We just started a new band this week.

We called it “999 Megabytes”.

Coz we haven’t done a gig yet.

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I’ve just found that my Wii remote doesn’t work

if you take it out of the sync region.

Much like my wife.

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The most common surname In China is Chang,

correct me if you think that’s Wong.

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I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday,

and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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My dad never loved me as a child.

I can’t blame him really.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

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I saw a slide with an 85 degree incline for sale the other day for $1000.

I thought that’s a bit steep.

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My best friend is called Tiba.

Sometimes, I think he’s a bit backwards.

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The wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, “What can I do to stop my addiction?”

She said, “Whatever means necessary.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said.

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Fifteen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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You would think that nothing would be easier than to think up a short ad for your business or something you had to sell. I mean, why blow lots of cash on advertising companies?

This could help explain why.

Enjoy.

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It’s A Day For A Little More Word Play

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for another bunch of those word plays they call puns.

Get your groans ready and enjoy!

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I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

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The girl wanted to lose weight so she went to the paint store. She heard she could get thinner there.

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He had a difficult time bouncing back from his bungee cord accident.

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The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.  

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My friend wore a blindfold at the shooting range, he didn’t know what he was missing.

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If you need something done, call an electrician – they conduit.

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Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.

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The police arrested me after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

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When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

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The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

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Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.

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I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.

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I hate the price of candy at the movie theater. They’re always raisinette.

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All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.  

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Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. Wow, I never thought I’d hear myself say that.

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Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.

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She’s happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.

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England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

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When you think about it, mummies are bound to be uptight.

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Okay, Enough Of The Presidential Nonsense – Time To Get Serious!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, if the election didn’t make you groan, here’s your chance.

Its bad joke pun day!

Enjoy them if you can.  

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It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

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A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”

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An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.

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Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

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A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

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Communism first took off in the insect kingdom when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.

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In the winter my dog wears his coat,

but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

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Did you hear about the raisin that wined about how he couldn’t achieve grapeness.

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Opening a new funeral parlor can be quite an undertaking.

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I tend to avoid funerals, I’m not really a mourning person.

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The grammarian was never late. In fact he was always very punctual.

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I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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To many girls the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.

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Those who stare at the moon are optimists.

They only look at the bright side.

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Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.

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Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?

Of Corsican.

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It’s Thursday And That Means Another Excuse For A Few More Bad Jokes

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s Thursday and that means another excuse for a few more bad jokes in the shape of the word plays called puns.

Enjoy!

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Organ donors put their heart into it.
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Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
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A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips.
‘Are you the friar?’ he asks.
‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.
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Why does the coffee taste like mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
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To some – marriage is a word … to others – a sentence.
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
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The man who worked at the watch factory was very funny.
He stood about all day making faces.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%,
they blame it on the cost of living.
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Cartoonist found dead in home.
Details are sketchy.
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Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
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I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I’ve ever seen.
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Did you hear about the electrician who claimed that his truck was a volts wagon.

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A Surprise Test – Are You Ready?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We haven’t had a test for a long time – until today, that is!!!

Below, for those brave enough to have a go, you will find twenty-one questions, some easy, some difficult, some tricky and some a bit of all three.

Enjoy and good luck!!!

(Answers are waaaaay below, but no cheating!)

 

 

1.  Is it possible for Jane to stand behind Lee and Lee to stand behind Jane at the same time?

 

2.  Leather shoes are worn in bowling and rubber-soled sneakers are worn in tennis. In what sport are all metal shoes worn?

 

3.  How many times can you subtract 2 from the number 21?

 

4.  On a farm outside of Winchester is the world’s most perfect peach tree. The main trunk has exactly 24 branches, each branch exactly 12 boughs, each bough exactly 6 twigs, and each twig bears 1 fruit. How many apples are on the tree?

 

5.  How close a relative would the sister-in-law of your father’s only brother be?

 

6.  On an average day, what mode of transportation carries more passengers than any other?

 

7.  Which book of the Bible tells you about Abel slaying Cain?

 

8.  How do you pronounce VOL IX?

 

9.  When someone says, “I’ll break every bone in your body,” how many bones would they have to break — 50, 200, 500, or 1,000?

 

10. There are 14 punctuation marks in ENGLISH grammar. How many can you name? (9 is passing grade)

 

11. What 5 letter word has 4 vowels and 1 consonant?   (Hint: The British use this word for line.) 

 

12. Can you make 10 plus 4 = 2 ?

 

13. The amount of water in a tank doubles every minute. The tank is full in an hour. When was the tank half full?

 

14. Would it be cheaper for you to take 1 friend to the movies twice or to take 2 friends at the same time?

 

15. A young boy comes from school. He lives in a high-rise building. Some days, he gets off the elevator at the eighth floor and walks up four flights to his family’s apartment on the 12th floor. On other days, he goes right up to the 12th floor. Why the difference?

 

16. A laborer can dig a hole 8 feet square and 8 feet deep in 8 days. How long will it take him to dig a hole 4 feet square and 4 feet deep?

 

17. Rearrange the following letters to form one English word:   P N L L E E E E S S S S S

 

18. A clock loses 10 minutes each hour. If the clock is set correctly at noon, what time is it when it reads 3 PM?

 

19. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how long will it take 16 crows to steal 16 buttons?

 

20. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how many buttons can 16 crows steal in 16 minutes?

 

21. An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show. One of them was the father of the other’s son. How was this possible?

 

Answers waaaaaay below

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ANSWERS

1.  Is it possible for Jane to stand behind Lee and Lee to stand behind Jane at the same time?

     Yes, if they stand back-to-back.

 

2.  Leather shoes are worn in bowling and rubber-soled sneakers are worn in tennis. In what sport are all metal shoes worn?

     Horse Racing.

 

3.  How many times can you subtract 2 from the number 21?

     Once. After that, you are subtracting from 19, 17, …

 

4.  On a farm outside of Winchester is the world’s most perfect peach tree. The main trunk has exactly 24 branches, each branch exactly 12 boughs, each bough exactly 6 twigs, and each twig bears 1 fruit. How many apples are on the tree?

None. It’s a peach tree, so it doesn’t bear apples.

 

5.  How close a relative would the sister-in-law of your father’s only brother be?

     Your mother.

 

6.  On an average day, what mode of transportation carries more passengers than any other?

     Elevators.

 

7.  Which book of the Bible tells you about Abel slaying Cain?

     None. Abel didn’t slay Cain?

 

8.  How do you pronounce VOL IX?

     Volume Nine.

 

9.  When someone says, “I’ll break every bone in your body,” how many bones would they have to break — 50, 200, 500, or 1,000?

     200.

 

10. There are 14 punctuation marks in ENGLISH grammar. How many can you name? (9 is passing grade)

     Period, comma, quotes, question mark, semicolon, colon, apostrophe, ellipses (…), dash, exclamation point, asterisk, braces, hyphen, brackets, parentheses. Actually, that is 15.

 

11. What 5 letter word has 4 vowels and 1 consonant?  (Hint: The British use this word for line.)

     QUEUE.   Queueing has five vowels in a row!

 

12.  Can you make 10 plus 4 = 2 ?

     10 o’clock + 4 hours = 2 o’clock. 

13. The amount of water in a tank doubles every minute. The tank is full in an hour. When was the tank half full?

     59 minutes.

 

14. Would it be cheaper for you to take 1 friend to the movies twice or to take 2 friends at the same time?

      Take 2 friends at the same time — you only have to buy 3 tickets. Taking them separately requires the purchase of 4 tickets.

 

15. A young boy comes from school. He lives in a high-rise building. Some days, he gets off the elevator at the eighth floor and walks up four flights to his family’s apartment on the 12th floor. On other days, he goes right up to the 12th floor. Why the difference?

     He is too short to reach button 12. Sometimes no one else is on the elevator.

 

16. A laborer can dig a hole 8 feet square and 8 feet deep in 8 days. How long will it take him to dig a hole 4 feet square and 4 feet deep?

     1 day. It is 1/8 the size of the large hole.

 

17.  Rearrange the following letters to form one English word:    P N L L E E E E S S S S S

     SLEEPLESSNESS.

 

18. A clock loses 10 minutes each hour. If the clock is set correctly at noon, what time is it when it reads 3 PM?

     3:36 PM. 
The clock loses 10 minutes each hour, so it loses 5 minutes every half-hour, and it loses 1 minute every 6 minutes.
It is 12:50 PM at 1:00 o’clock. 
It is 1:40 PM at 2:00 o’clock. 
It is 2:30 PM at 3:00 o’clock. 
It is 2:55 PM at 3:30 o’clock. 
It is 3:00 PM at 3:36 o’clock. 

 

19. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how long will it take 16 crows to steal 16 buttons?

     8 minutes.

 

20. If 8 crows can steal 8 buttons in 8 minutes, how many buttons can 16 crows steal in 16 minutes?

     32 buttons.

 

21. An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show. One of them was the father of the other’s son. How was this possible?

     They were husband and wife.

 

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