Highlighter Pens Are The Future. Mark My Words!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


Mark my words indeed.

It’s Pun Day again.

Enjoy or endure!





Know what’s odd?

About every other number.

odd numbers



When I asked my best friend to be my best man,

he said he was “speechless”.

So I said, “You’re no good, I’ll find someone else”.

Best_man by Martin Stratton



I always win at Twister.

Hands down.




On reflection,

vampires aren’t that scary.

Vampire reflection



I’ve just seen a huge Egyptian woman

sticking her ass out the window of a car.

It was a two-ton car moon.




My neighbor Dave has drunk many

weird and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”




As they say in France,

one man’s fish

is another man’s poisson.





Everything is easier said than done.

Except procrastination.




“I’ve got two words for you”

“I can’t count”

can't count



Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife,

we realized that there was only enough oxygen left

for one of us to get back down.

So I did the descent thing…




I recently wrote an essay on the “Communist Manifesto”.

Unfortunately I didn’t really understand the topic,

so I got no Marx.

karl marx



Calvin Klein were supposed to

be bringing out a new fragrance…

But it was just aroma.

Calvin Klein perfume



The Sahara Desert walks into a bar

The barman says, “Long time no sea.”

Sahara Desert



Discovery Channel are releasing a new series about wildlife.

The first program is called “Siamese Ducks”.

It’s a double bill.

double bill



The wife will go spare when she finds out

I’ve lost her only copy of Beethoven’s Unfinished symphony.

I’ll never hear the end of it.





Sex While Camping: It’s Intense!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


A little word play, get it? Intense? In tents??

Okay, okay.

Yes, it’s pun day. And they get better (or worse) than that.

So, enjoy!



Today my girlfriend told me on the phone

that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

can u hear me now

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing

coming from a parked van.

But, when they looked,

it was just a kid napping.


Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry’s with a DVD.

I couldn’t be bothered to wash a spoon.


Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering,
‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X,

a long side, Y,

and hypotenuse, Z,

then the square of Z must be equal to

the sum of the square of X and the square of,

erm… uh…’

The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

Pythagoras cartoon

My friend asked me:

“What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

“Chinese,” I replied.


My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.

He asked was she hot.

I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

cartoon wife temperature

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.

As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted

“Whatever you do, don’t look down”.

So I started smiling.


My house was repossessed at the weekend

but I don’t blame the bank.

It’s that useless priest not doing

the exorcism properly in the first place.


My wife said we would have less arguments

if I wasn’t so pedantic.



A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed

twenty pots of White Out this morning.

Big mistake.


I’m thinking about turning rastafarian,

but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair…

I’m dreading it.




People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname,

but I can live with it.

Cartoon - Compromise With Me - ALG (600)

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.


I needed some milk this morning,

so I went round to my neighbors

and asked them through the window.

“We’re all out,” they replied.

“No you’re not,” I said. “I can hear you in there.”


Every time I pour a round of drinks,

it goes all over the place.

I think I need glasses.

Pour 2

Drinking with a speech impediment

Is a whisky business.


My friend never had the courage to get married,

But he has been engaged quite a few times.

So there’s been quite a few near Mrs.


After I won the local pub quiz last night

two gorgeous blondes came over to me.

The first one said,

“We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy.”

The second blonde said,

“Do you know what three way is?”

I replied,

“Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that

if they want to get the better of me,

I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub.

Btw, the name’s “Freeway” not “Three way” dummy!

Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking, that’s about the same.


At any time, the temptation to sing

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

is never more than a whim away.