If you were ever in any doubt, let me assure you that when you elect morons to positions where they can legislate for the rest of us then you are assured that they will spend their time and our money making stupid laws, rules and regulations.
It happens in every country and in every state in every country. Such is the horrendous scale of the problem that I would be blogging forever if I tried to highlight worldwide stupidity, so as an example let’s look at some of the lesser known laws that govern citizens in the United States of America (I will list them state by state alphabetically. Part one today is A to L).
Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of spooking horses.
In Alabama, it is against the law to wear a fake mustache that could cause laughter in the church.
A voter spending more than four minutes in a voting booth can be asked to hurry up.
No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car.
A clumsy or unknowledgeable person may not use a ski-lift.
Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops.
It is a crime to deceive a machine.
Hunting camels is prohibited.
It is illegal to buy a human egg in order to clone yourself.
You may not leave a fishing pole unattended.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. (Ridiculous idea!)
Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. (How about a “woof”?)
It is against the law to own a dangerous cat.
The Shell Egg Advisory Committee must have seven members.
City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.” (A little bit of role reversal there.)
In Chino, testing a nuclear device within the city limits is prohibited.
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood took the chair – as mayor, I mean)
If you are selling your house you must warn potential buyers if the house is thought to be haunted.
It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property. (I’m so cross I could spit!)
It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. (Quite right too, let them wallow in their filth and bring the whole neighborhood image down.)
In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
Selling a spool of thread without first stating its length is subject to a penalty of up to three months in prison.
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. (And just plain dumb to do it in daylight.)
It is illegal to sell milk from skinny cows.
You may not educate dogs. (Or legislators, it seems!)
It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk. (But actually sleeping is okay?)
One may not whisper in church. (But if we talk loudly won’t it disrupt the Service?)
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards. (Pushist legislation if ever I saw it.)
It is illegal for female hot dog stand attendants to wear G-strings.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
In West Palm Beach it is a crime to hang a carpet in public.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (And bloody dangerous I would imagine!)
You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. (But someone else’s wife is okay?)
It is a crime to sell your child off to a circus.
The term “sadomasochistic abuse” is defined so broadly, that it could possibly be applied to a person handcuffing another in a clown suit.
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. (FFS, oops!)
No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. (Don’t they mean “a Sundae”?)
One is not permitted to noodle a fish. (I don’t know what this means but it sounds a bit pervy.)
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. (There it is again, what’s going on?)
All citizens must own a rake. (Leaf us alone!)
All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. (Canoe believe this one?)
In Maui County building an atomic bomb is subject to a fine.
Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears. (They’ll have to make change here.)
It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
You may not fish on a camel’s back. (I take the hump at that rule.)
Cannibalism is prohibited unless under life threatening situations.
Residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back. (They’ve got some neck on them!)
It is a crime for anyone who is not blind to use a white cane.
A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face. (Another good reason for reading the fasab blog!)
You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. (The buck stops here.)
The English language is not to be spoken. (That’s becoming more and more true of a lot of states in the US)
In Minooka it is illegal to “suffer any bitch or slut”.
One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth. (Just how much of this was going on that they thought they needed a law against it? Or is someone just taking the piss??)
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. (The hell with that.)
In Joliet the word “Joliet” must be pronounced properly, with the accent on the first syllable.
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey. (What a waste, I wouldn’t dream of it.)
In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb. (There goes a good night out!)
It is against the law to sell a smelly mattress.
Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays. (I guess I’ll have to take a bath Saturdays in Illinois.)
Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. (Even for single beds?)
Stupefying fish is against the law.
The value of Pi is 3. (No it isn’t.)
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. (That a hard one – to enforce I mean!)
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. (Definitely have to remember to stay out of Illinois then.)
Possessing a weapon of mass destruction is against the law.
It is against the law to pass a horse on the street. (Even if it is coming from the other direction?)
A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
It is illegal to catch more than 48 frogs in one day.
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Within the city limits of Ottumwa, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. (How illuminating.)
It is against the law to modify the weather without a permit.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. (That law will get us nowhere.)
No one may sing the alphabet on the streets at night. (What’s the penalty for lettering?)
One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.
One may not receive anal sex. (No problem.)
Nudist colonies must make themselves available for inspection by the local sheriff.
A woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission. (So that’s why they went out of fashion.)
It is a $500 fine to instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to your friend without them knowing.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (Okay, if I ever do that I’ll use a real gun.)
Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault”. (If you have no teeth can you just give them a big suck?)
I did a bit of hunting when I was a kid and it was enjoyable enough at the time. And I have nothing very much against it for those who are inclined to such pastimes. But as I got older I lost interest in it. If there’s vermin around I’ll take out my shotgun and dispatch it no problem. But these days, and you may agree with this or not, I find that there are much more interesting things to do that trying to outwit a duck.
The same can not be said for these two intrepid hunters.
The story begins with a guy in Michigan, USA, who bought a brand new $30,000 Grand Cherokee, on credit naturally. He was very proud of his new rig, and got hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride.
They decided to go duck hunting on a frozen lake and turned up with their guns, a dog, lots of beer and of course the new vehicle. They drove out onto the ice.
Now, they needed to make a hole in the ice to attract ducks – something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks, they needed to use something a bit bigger than your normal ice drill. But, thinking ahead and coming prepared, they had brought with them a stick of dynamite with a 40-second fuse.
You can probably see where this is going already?
To their credit, these guys realized that they wanted the explosion to be far away from themselves, the jeep and their equipment. However, they also didn’t want to light the fuse and run back to the jeep in case they slipped on the ice.
So far so good, and the logic of their thinking was okay.
Their solution, however, was to stay where they were, light the dynamite and then throw it as far as they could.
Again so far so good, it still sounded like a plan.
So they did that very thing. They threw the dynamite and the explosive landed a suitable distance away. They waited for the explosion.
However, when they made their plan they had no contingencies in it about their dog.
A well-trained golden Labrador, it immediately set out across the ice to bring the back the stick. That’s what dogs do. And this dog did.
The two would-be hunters started yelling, stomping, and waving their arms.
The dog glanced back but took all the frantic activity as approval and encouragement and happily ran back toward the hunters, fizzing stick of dynamite firmly clenched in it’s jaws.
As the dog approached, one of the pair thought rapidly, grabbed his shotgun, and shot the dog.
Unfortunately the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and was hardly effective enough to stop a dog the size of a Labrador.
The dog did pause for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on.
Another shot rang out.
This time the dog became really confused and, quite naturally, scared.
He changed direction, and now with an extremely short fuse still burning, headed for the nearest and indeed only cover on the wide expanse of ice.
Yeah, underneath the guy’s brand new Cherokee.
The dynamite went off, and dog and jeep plummeted to the bottom of the lake.
Strangely, the insurance company refused to pay up.