Ignorant? Why, I Don’t Know The Meaning Of The Word!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

Bordeaux collie

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

contact lenses

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

empty shoe shop

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

koalafications

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

spelling test1

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

Dunhill

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

clockwork car

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

diets-dieters-diet_books

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

wrong tombstone

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

apostrophe

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

Conductor

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

human cannonball

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

Ritz crackers

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

curing salt

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

alien_1979_tom_skerritt_sigourney_weaver

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I’m Planning On Being More Spontaneous In The Future.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

scarecrow

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

short sleeved tops

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

dog pound

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

swings in park

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

fun funeral

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

camouflaged

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

donut_van_chase

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

tv repairman

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

phone-texting

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

Vincent van Gogh

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

medical school entrance exam

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

marriage_is_not_a_word_its_a_sentence_t_shirt

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

no dumping

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

peterborough jobs blow

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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Is It Just Me, Or Are There Any Other Anagrams Of Em?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, it’s not just me.

Loads of people like puns and pun day.

Here’s another one.

Enjoy!

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rofl

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If you’re fishing for compliments

it’s best to use allure.

fishing for compliments

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I just pitched a tent in the garden.

Surprised myself how far I could throw it.

tent--colored-cartoon-illustration

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I was telling a friend that I made a

ventriloquist’s dummy out of some old carpet.

“Any good?” he queried.

“Nah, it’s ruggish,” I replied.

ventriloquist's dummy

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I was stunned to find my Taser gun was still switched on.

Taser-Gun

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I shouldn’t have dumped my girlfriend after

overhearing her making fun of my poor endowment.

Turned out she was a financial adviser

endowment

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I’ve been using X and Y chromosomes in my

adverts recently since, after all, sex cells…

X and Y chromosomes

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Last night I looked up at the stars and thought:

“It’s crap being a dwarf in Hollywood.”

grumpy dwarf

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When I was young, I used to think CCTV was

a very positive Spanish television channel.

cctv4

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I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my shed.

He’s missing an eye.

I’ve called him Alen.

one eyed alien

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My dog’s been sitting in the corner, feeling

sorry for himself, for three days.

I knew I shouldn’t have bought a Pitiful Terrier

scared-dog

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I saw a headline in the local paper:

“Huge Grant Saves Derelict Theatre”.

I thought: That was nice of him.

hugh grant

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I’m a doctor. My wife’s a judge.

She knows how to try my patients.

judge-with-gavel

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My missus says she is leaving me because of my obsession with pool.

“Come on love”, I said. “Give me a break”.

pool break

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I thought I’d dug up an unknown species

of dinosaur in my back garden.

Excitedly I phoned the Natural History Museum,

but it turned out to be a fossil arm.

fossil

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I’ve taken thousands of showers over the years.

Never been caught once.

shower-cartoon

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A friend asked me if I knew any words that could describe relief.

I told him I know a phew

phew

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I bought a new thesaurus today.

It’s nothing to write house about.

thesaurus

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I went for a colonic irrigation today,

then got hit with a huge $659 bill.

It really cleaned me out.

colonic-irrigation

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I phoned up the incontinence hotline today and

the lady on the other end asked where I’m ringing from.

I said, “From the waist down.”

incontinence hot line

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What do Mexican Robots Eat?

Silicon-Carne

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Beware Of Geeks Bearing GIFs!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Yes, prepare to give you chuckle muscles a workout.

It’s pun day.

Another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy   

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rofl

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I’ve been trying to get this computer to work for an hour now.

Wish I’d bought a laptop.

So much lighter to carry.

man-carrying-large-computer

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My friend clearly wears dentures but won’t admit it.

He’s lying through his teeth.

funny-false-teeth-cartoon

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Still thinking of taking that long term job in the PDRK?

Personally I’d choose a different Korea.

north-and-south-korea

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As my wife and three of her friends

squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers,

I muttered under my breath, “Fat cows.”

“What was that?” snapped my wife.

“You herd.”

mad_cow_cartoon

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I thought I was in for the long hall.

But it was just a really big mirror at the end of it.

long hall

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I was in the fitting room when a

beautiful woman walked in holding a lacy bra.

I think she was trying it on.

fitting room cartoon

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Scientists have discovered a new shade of green.

It’s sublime.

sublime_360

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Old MacDonald loves to play with action dolls….

G I G I Joe.

GI Joe

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I clicked on the ‘Home Alone’ link earlier.

It opened a page for an Italian mortgage company.

euro

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I entered my dog in the redneck dog show last week.

She won “Best Inbreed.”

redneck dogs

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Would anyone like to buy any cymbal shaped pillows?

$50 Per cushion.

cymbals

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Think the worst time of my life was when I worked as a cinema usher.

I was in a very dark place back then.

movie_usher

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It’s amazing how a piece of technology as simple

as a tablet can revolutionize your life.

Those viagra are amazing.

viagra_45305

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I’ve found the alcohol which has solved all my problems.

It was liqueur.

liqueur bottles

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I have a lot of hangups.

I blame telemarketers.

telemarketer_cartoon

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I’ve styled my hair so that it appears like I’ve got horns.

It’s my gnu look.

Baby Gnu

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NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden left Moscow Airport a while ago.

He’s no longer hiding in plane site.

CIA-NSA-Edward-Snowden_1

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Bauxite refining is a secret carefully guarded by the aluminati.

aluminium rolls

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I can’t see the new Nicholas Cage action movie doing very well.

He plays a wrongly convicted man, trapped among

a bunch of the world’s most dangerous criminals,

all stuck inside a Refrigeration Factory.

It’s called Air Con

nicolas cage con air cartoon

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Finally when I saw a woman had broken down at

the side of the road I didn’t stop to help her.

I’m not a psychiatrist.

cartoon psychiatrist by Ron Leishman

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Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just playing about with words again.

Yes, it’s another pun day!

Endure or enjoy, whatever is your pleasure.

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I can’t help being lazy.

It walks in the family.

lazy

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To Err is human

To Aarrrgh is Pirate.

penguinpiratearghLOGO

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I spent today trying to force as many

road signs from the ground as I could.

I pulled out all the stops.

stopsigns

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My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,

so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.

spider web

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The Wife bet me fifty bucks that

she could sing more football songs than me.

I beat her.

She had no Chants.

cheerleaders

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Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts

for a girl whose knees don’t bend.

StarTrekKenBarbie

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What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?

‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’

brown tooth white tooth

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Windows 8.

Such a pane!

Kipper Williams on Windows 8

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I read in the newspaper:

‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’

That can’t be true I thought.

They must be linked.

chain

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It said on the News today that

“Cuts will hit the poor hardest”.

Why?

Can’t they even afford bandages?

bandaid

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A friend in the bar said, 

“I’ve just realized, your brothers Richard, Harold

and Charles are all named after kings.”

I said, ” Yeah, so! What’s your point?”

He said, ” Nothing. It’s your round Burger.”

burger_king_short

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The internet has become too politically correct.

What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits.

disabled cookies

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I like to tell women that I’m responsible for

a large team of web designers.

I find it gets a better reception than saying

I live in an apartment that’s infested by spiders.    

cobwebs

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A guy walks into a bar and asks, “How much is your beer?”

The barman says, “$4 for a pint and $10 for a pitcher.”

“Just gimme me a pint then,” says the guy.

“I got enough photos already!”

bernard-schoenbaum-three-men-sit-at-bar-drinking-beer-on-each-man-s-shirt-is-one-letter-b-new-yorker-cartoon

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My friend asked to borrow some money after

losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn’t let him down.

Not after all the shit he’s been through…    

stool sample

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I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps.

Legend.

map_legend

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Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring?

Well it’s hair, what else did you expect?

bad hair day

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I’ve spent five frustrating days

repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.

If it doesn’t work soon,

I might just have to take him to the vet.

mick-stevens-heal-cartoon

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I called the Suicide Help Line once,

saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

man on railway line

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I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”.

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

Cartoon shortcut. Normal cars, of course, had to go the long way.

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If an indoor shooting range is burning,

what does one scream to inform them? 

firing range

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part ten !!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another midweek treat.

The latest batch of newspaper headline nightmares.

Hope you find something in this example of stupidity to make you smile.

Enjoy

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np_deer

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np_doggystyle

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np_dogsex

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np_drdoom

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np_drowning

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np_drunkcaptain

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np_drunkdate

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np_earthquake

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np_eatery

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np_feetbrake

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np_ferrarisex

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np_findlater

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np_flyingdildo

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np_frequentsex

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Perfectly Timed Photos, Part Five

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another weekend and the final selection of perfectly timed photographs.

Since this is the last in this short series I am going to let the animals have the final word, or the final look might be more accurate.

Below is a mixture of domesticated and wild animals all caught on camera at exactly the right moment in time to produce fascinating and sometimes very funny pictures.

Hope you enjoy this final (for the moment) selection.

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ptp They Fly

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perfectly-timed-photos-part2-11

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Wheres-Waldo

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Three Headed Giraffe

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not a sausage

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dogbrick

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in jail

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invisible dog

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ambition

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dog flap

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toleration

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dear me

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clever dog

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puppy pig

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show me

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whats going on

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donkey smile

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Kung-Fu-Frog-Batam-Island-Indonesia

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slippery

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Perfectly Timed Photos, Part Three

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More photos for this weekend.

Nothing beats a perfectly taken photo except perhaps a perfectly timed photo.

You will find a selection of the latter variety below.

Enjoy.

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ptp little

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ptp littleman

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ptp lol

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ptp longarm

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ptp longdog

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ptp Monkey_Bites

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Ronnie Brewer

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ptp oi fishface

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ptp ouch

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ptp pefect

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ptp perfectlammas

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precision flying COPYRIGHT RAPHAEL AMAR²

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ptp putindevil

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ptp photo

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Sex While Camping: It’s Intense!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little word play, get it? Intense? In tents??

Okay, okay.

Yes, it’s pun day. And they get better (or worse) than that.

So, enjoy!

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Today my girlfriend told me on the phone

that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

can u hear me now

Police searching for a missing child heard heavy breathing

coming from a parked van.

But, when they looked,

it was just a kid napping.

linus_van_pelt_baby_blanket

Last night I settled down to eat some Ben & Jerry’s with a DVD.

I couldn’t be bothered to wash a spoon.

ben-jerry

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering,
‘If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X,

a long side, Y,

and hypotenuse, Z,

then the square of Z must be equal to

the sum of the square of X and the square of,

erm… uh…’

The barman says, ‘Y, the long face?’

Pythagoras cartoon

My friend asked me:

“What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

“Chinese,” I replied.

beijing-china-olympics

My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor.

He asked was she hot.

I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

cartoon wife temperature

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.

As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted

“Whatever you do, don’t look down”.

So I started smiling.

tony_cave

My house was repossessed at the weekend

but I don’t blame the bank.

It’s that useless priest not doing

the exorcism properly in the first place.

exorcism_1189135

My wife said we would have less arguments

if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I said, “FEWER ARGUMENTS”

pedantic+pedant

A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed

twenty pots of White Out this morning.

Big mistake.

white_out

I’m thinking about turning rastafarian,

but I’m worried about the stress it will put on my hair…

I’m dreading it.

dreadlocks

.. 

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People call me Mr Compromise.

Wasn’t my first choice for a nickname,

but I can live with it.

Cartoon - Compromise With Me - ALG (600)

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

Y

I needed some milk this morning,

so I went round to my neighbors

and asked them through the window.

“We’re all out,” they replied.

“No you’re not,” I said. “I can hear you in there.”

window

Every time I pour a round of drinks,

it goes all over the place.

I think I need glasses.

Pour 2

Drinking with a speech impediment

Is a whisky business.

whiskey-glasses

My friend never had the courage to get married,

But he has been engaged quite a few times.

So there’s been quite a few near Mrs.

wedding

After I won the local pub quiz last night

two gorgeous blondes came over to me.

The first one said,

“We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy.”

The second blonde said,

“Do you know what three way is?”

I replied,

“Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that

if they want to get the better of me,

I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub.

freeway01
Btw, the name’s “Freeway” not “Three way” dummy!

Everything is easier said than done.

Except for talking, that’s about the same.

talking

At any time, the temptation to sing

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

is never more than a whim away.

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It’s Monday, Stimulate Those Brain Cells For The Rest Of The Week!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another quiz to stimulate the brain cells for the rest of the week.

As usual a random mixture with some easy, some tricky and some rather difficult, but have a go anyhow.

The answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy.

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Quiz 6

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Q  1:  What is the only city in the world located on two continents?

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Q  2:  A word or sentence that is the same front and back (for example, “racecar”, or “kayak”) is called a what?

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Q  3:  What is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim underwater?

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Q  4:  What famous film star appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than anyone else?

(Hint: she was also married many times!)

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Q  5:  What is the collective noun for a group of whales?

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Q  6:  What is unusual about the sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”?

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Q  7:  What famous cartoon character’s first suggested name was Mortimer?

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Q  8:  In 1819, a $5 million debt that Spain owed the USA was canceled in exchange for what?

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Q  9:  Mr. Butts invented a famous game that he originally called “Criss Cross Words.” What is it better known as today?

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Q  10:  What is hardest substance in the human body?

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Q  11:  A double question here and a point for each part.

Who launched the world’s first artificial satellite in 1957, and what was it called?

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Q  12:  What state in the USA is known as the “Land of ten thousand lakes”?

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Q  13:  And what country, with a population of approximately 5 million people, has one lake for every 26 people?

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Q  14:  What is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters?

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Q  15:  The first jet engine was invented by an Englishman in 1930, but what was his name?

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Q  16:  What country has more recreational golfers than any other?

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Q  17:  What is a newly hatched fish called?

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Q  18:  What is the literal meaning of the martial art name “Karate”?

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Q  19:  And in what country did Karate originate?

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Q  20:  And finally, you have a dime and a dollar, you buy a dog and a collar, the dog is a dollar more than the collar, how much is the collar?

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ANSWERS

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Q  1:  What is the only city in the world located on two continents?

A  1:  Istanbul, Turkey

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Q  2:  A word or sentence that is the same front and back (for example, “racecar”, or “kayak”) is called a what?

Q  2:  A “palindrome”.

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Q  3:  What is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim underwater?

A  3:  The penguin

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Q  4:  What famous film star appeared on the cover of Life magazine more than anyone else?

(Hint: she was also married many times!)

A  4:  Elizabeth Taylor

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Q  5:  What is the collective noun for a group of whales?

A  5:  A group of whales is called a pod.

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Q  6:  What is unusual about the sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”?

A  6:  It uses every letter in the alphabet and was developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx communications.

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Q  7:  What famous cartoon character’s first suggested name was Mortimer?

A  7:  Walt Disney had originally suggested using the name Mortimer Mouse instead of Mickey Mouse

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Q  8:  In 1819, a $5 million debt that Spain owed the USA was canceled in exchange for what?

A  8:  The purchase of Florida.

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Q  9:  Mr. Butts invented a famous game that he originally called “Criss Cross Words.” What is it better known as today?

A  9:  SCRABBLE

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Q  10:  What is hardest substance in the human body?

A  10:  Enamel.

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Q  11:  A double question here and a point for each part.

Who launched the world’s first artificial satellite in 1957, and what was it called?

A  11:  The USSR launched the world’s first artificial satellite, called “Sputnik 1”, in 1957.

(You get a point for “Sputnik” as well as “Sputnik 1”)

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Q  12:  What state in the USA is known as the “Land of ten thousand lakes”?

A  12:  Minnesota

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Q  13:  And what country, with a population of approximately 5 million people has one lake for every 26 people?

A  13:  Finland, which is also known as “the land of the thousand lakes,” even though it has around 188,000 of them

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Q  14:  What is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters?

A  14:  “Bookkeeper”

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Q  15:  The first jet engine was invented by an Englishman in 1930, but what was his name?

A  15:  His name was Frank Whittle

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Q  16:  What country has more recreational golfers than any other?

A  16:  There are more recreational golfers per capita in Canada than any other country in the world

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Q  17:  What is a newly hatched fish called?

A  17:  A newly hatched fish is called a “fry”

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Q  18:  What is the literal meaning of the martial art name “Karate”?

A  18:  The word Karate means, “empty hand.”

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Q  19:  And in what country did Karate originate?

A  19:  Karate actually originated in India, but was developed further in China

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Q  20:  And finally, you have a dime and a dollar, you buy a dog and a collar, the dog is a dollar more than the collar, how much is the collar?

A  20:  A nickel. (You have $1.10, the dog costs $1.05 and the collar $0.05)

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So how did you do?

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