A Little More Stupidity Is Legal

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Here is another selection of courtroom bloopers. I hope there are no repeats from the last lot, but even if there are you can read most of them again and still laugh. I know I can.

Enjoy!

 

Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?

Witness: Not yet.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?

Witness: After the accident?

Lawyer: Before the accident.

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Witness: (looking confused) Is that a question?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?

Witness: Approximately milepost 499.

Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?

Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Witness: What do you think counselor.

– – – – – – – – – –

Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me”

Lawyer: And did he kill you?

Witness: Yes!

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?

Witness: I could see his head.

Lawyer: And where was his head?

Witness: Just above his shoulders.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

Witness: The victim lived.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?

Witness: Picking them up in the air.

Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?

Witness: Attached to the ears.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

Witness: She is my daughter.

Lawyer: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?

Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?

Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in Miami?

Witness: No.

 

 

 

Stupidity Is Legal, And That’s Official

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

You would think that lawyers would be just that little bit smarter than the average Joe. They certainly think they are, and they have received the benefit of a reasonably good and expensive education. But sometimes it is true that you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Sometimes of the people they have to question don’t help matters either.

Here are a few excerpts from actual court transcripts. You may have come across them before in emails, that’s originally how I got most of these. But they are funny and well worth reading again.

I think so anyway.

Enjoy!

 

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

 

Trooper

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

– – – – – – –  – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Doctor (1)

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Doctor (2)

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (1)

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (2)

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (3)

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Date of Birth

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: December twenty fifth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Memory

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Memory take two

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

What’s in a name?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that Thursday?

A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop’s owner took the stand to give his evidence.

She had identified him immediately as the robber, when Bartle jumped up and yelled,

‘You’re lying! I should have blown your head off!’

He paused, then added,

‘If I had been the one that was there.’

The jury found him guilty and Jerry Bartle was sentenced to thirty years imprisonment.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.