Jobs Blow For Sex Workers

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Thought it was safe?

Sorry, pun day again folks.

Enjoy!

.

. 

Deja Moo:

The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

.

. 

I’m not a complete idiot

Some parts are just missing.

.

. 

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

.

. 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

.

. 

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

“A beer please, and one for the road.”

.

. 

Did you hear about the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

.

. 

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg,

but broke it off.

.

. 

Without geometry, life is pointless.

.

. 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

.

. 

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

.

. 

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

.

. 

Dockyard:

A physician’s garden.

.

. 

A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs.

In fact he was stumped.

.

. 

A man wakes up on a deserted island

only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple.

He cried: “Oh no, I’ve been marooned!”

.

. 

Men need to stop telling jokes about women’s menstrual cycle!

Period.

.

. 

My girlfriend said that she’s leaving me,

because of my constant grass related puns.

I told her to sod off.

.

. 

My wife gave me a lecture about

my obsession with mythical creature puns.

It didn’t half Dragon.

.

. 

A nine-year-old lad walks into a pub and yells at the barmaid for a Scotch on the rocks.

‘Do you want to get me into trouble?’ she replies.

‘Maybe later,’ says the boy, ‘but now I just want a drink’.

. 

================================

.

Stupid Politicians And Bureaucrats Make What? Yes, That’s Right – Stupid Laws, Part Three

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Today we have the third of my three-part series highlighting some of the stupid laws that have been made by the stupid politicians and bureaucrats that we have allowed into positions of power.

So here are some more of the lesser known laws that govern the good citizens in the United States (listed by state alphabetically, part 1 covered A to L, part 2 covered the M’s and N’s, this week it’s O to W.).

Enjoy (or cringe, perhaps).

 .

 .

OHIO

• Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. (I hope that’s no reflection on them.)
• It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. (And immoral any other day.)
• It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (Would Sir like some water with that?)
• The Ohio driver’s education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car. (But I want to ‘beep’.)
• If one loses their pet tiger, they must notify the authorities within one hour. (That’s greeeaaaatttttt!)

. 

 .

OKLAHOMA

• It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo. (And the real thing is okay???)
• Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
• It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots. (That reminds me of a joke about…… no, better not.)
• People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. (What happens if you just have a ugly face to begin with?)
• Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
• Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punishable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine. (Well, blow me, that’s expensive!)
• It is illegal to conceal the birth of a child that would be a bastard. (But you never know how they are going to turn out until they get a bit older???)

 .

 .

OREGON

• Babies may not be carried on the running boards of a car. (That’s okay, you need both hands to hang on to the car anyhow.)
• It is illegal to whisper “dirty” things in your lover’s ear during sex. (So where do you whisper them?)
• Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. (Ridiculous!)
• It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property. (To pot with that!!)
• You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street. (Well, maybe YOU can’t, but….)
• Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license. (And quite difficult even with one.)
• It is a crime to publicly scrape clean a skeleton in a cemetery. (And let’s make no bones about it.)

 .

 .

PENNSYLVANIA

• It is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. (This is another one of those ‘how many people were doing this that a law was needed against it’ kind of things.)
• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.
• A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. (Ya hear that one ladies?)
• In Harrisburg it is against the law to wear lead nipple shields. (I bet Superman goes there – a lot!)
• You may not sing in the bathtub.
• You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. (I don’t think I could catch a fish with my mouth.)

 .

 .

RHODE ISLAND

• No one may bite off another’s leg. (Ears, noses, arms, etc., are okay?)
• Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void. (I’m saying nothing.)
• One must make a loud noise before passing a car on the left. (Can do!)
• The penalty for biting off another’s limb is twenty years in jail, but only if it was intentional. (Whoops, sorry, there’s your leg back. I didn’t mean it.)
• It is illegal to wear transparent clothing. (Clearly!)
• You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

 .

 .

SOUTH CAROLINA

• It is considered an offense to get a tattoo. (I just consider it stupid.)
• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. (I guess there’s no room, what with all the donkeys in there.)
• It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
• It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. (You mean if you are attempting suicide or you can’t kill the person who is attempting suicide?)

 .

 .

SOUTH DAKOTA

• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. (But is there a law about cutting the cheese?)
• If three or more Indians are walking down the street together, they can be considered a war party and fired upon.
• In Huron it is an offence to cause static. (Shocking law that one.)
• Otherwise illegal explosives can be set off in sunflower fields.

 .

 .

TENNESSEE

• It is a crime to share your Netflix password in Tennessee. (Is it okay in English?)
• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. (And very difficult.)
• “Crimes against nature” are prohibited.
• Skunks may not be carried into the state. (Yeah, let the little stinkers walk.)

 .
 .

TEXAS

• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (What sort of a guy ‘sips’ beer? Come on!)
• Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
• It is illegal to milk another person’s cow. (Is that a double entendre?)
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
• In Dallas it is illegal to possess realistic dildos.

 .

 .

UTAH

• It is illegal not to drink milk.
• It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.
• Birds have the right of way on all highways.
• In Salt Lake County an official milkman is limited to casual contact with his customers. (What’s all this about milk in Utah?)
• A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
• No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call. (So turn the sirens off??)
• It is illegal to cause a catastrophe. (So are these laws not breaking this law?)

 .

 .

VERMONT

• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. (By gum!)
• At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
• All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.

 .

 .

VIRGINIA

• Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. (Just how did the people who thought this one up think that they were going to enforce it?)
• It is illegal to tickle women. (You just said that, see above!)
• A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman’s derriere. (How long for a good slap?)
• Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

 .

 .

WASHINGTON

• The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. (Do tell how exactly do you harass an ‘undiscovered’ species? Wouldn’t you have to discover it first, and once discovered it is no longer ‘undiscovered’ and therefore can be harassed?)
• All lollipops are banned. (This law really sucks.)
• People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
• In Washington it is a misdemeanor to sell poison without a license.
• In Seattle possessing an electro-magnetic wave generator is a crime.
• It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich. (Can you pretend that they are poor?)
• You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. (And where would you be able to conceal it anyway?)

 .

 .

WEST VIRGINIA

• It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. (And I would imagine dangerous if it does!)
• It is illegal to snooze on a train.
• One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.
• Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.

 .

 .

WISCONSIN

• Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to be hidden behind the pharmacist’s counter.
• At one time, margarine was illegal.
• It is illegal to kiss on a train.
• It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair. (People from Brazil please take special note.)
• The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals. (That’s handy.)
• Cheddar cheese must be “highly pleasing”.
• Followers of the Ho-Chunk religion may hunt deer without a license.
• It is illegal to produce baby Swiss cheese without well-developed eyes. (Otherwise how could you see what you were doing… Duh!!)

 .

 .

WYOMING

• If one is drunk in a mine, he or she could land in jail for up to a year. (Prospects aren’t good then?)
• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. (Iron or wooden?)
• You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. (That really bugs me.)
• It is illegal to charge for the use of a toilet. (No sh**!)

 .

 .

===============================

It’s Monday Again, And You Know What That Means…. More Stupid Quiz Show Answers

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Hi everyone, yes it’s Monday again and time for another selection of stupid quiz show answers.

Are you depressed at the horrendous level of stupidity out there in the big wide world, or just happy that you are a lot smarter then these guys? I mean, who could ever forget “Smelly Kelly”? 

Either way I hope you enjoy today’s bunch.

 

 

 

Q: Name a time when people wake up   

A: Morning

 

 

Q: Name a sport people play by themselves      

A: Video games

 

 

Q: The state with the best beaches        

A: Los Angeles

 

 

Q: Name something a husband asks his wife to carry in her purse          

A: Condoms

 

 

Q: Name something a woman likes a man to have that begins with the letter M    

A: Makeup

 

 

Q: Name a Southern city           

A: Georgia

 

 

Q: Name a subject people discuss on their first date      

A: Sex 

 

 

Q: Name something an airline passenger might be holding during a bumpy flight

A: A lucky rabbit’s foot  

 

 

Q: Name something about Dr. Phil that comedians make fun of 

A: His contestants

 

 

Q: Name a famous Kelly           

A: Kelly “Ripka”

A: “Smelly Kelly”

 

 

Q: Name a sure cure for a hangover      

A: Making love 

 

 

Q: Name a famous Christina     

A: Christina the car

 

 

Q: Name a food with an edible skin       

A: Banana

 

 

Q: The night with the worst TV programs

A: UPN

 

 

Q: Name something you put in tea        

A: Tea bag

 

 

Q: Name a place where you might see a dead body       

A: Your house  

 

 

Q: Name a job around the house that has to be done every fall  

A: Spring cleaning

 

 

Q: An occupation considered to be un-masculine           

A: Truck driver  

 

 

Q: Name something dogs can do better than people      

A: Pee 

 

 

Q: The longest amount of time you have spent without talking to your spouse    

A: 20 minutes   

 

=====================================

 

 

 

Just A Short One

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Just a short one today, and no pun or admissions intended, by the way.

Africa is a wonderful continent, full of unbelievable scenery and animals. If like spectacular scenery or to see animals in their natural habitat, and you have the time and the money for an unforgettable vacation, you could do a lot worse than try some of the great safari parks they have.

But that aside, Africa has its problems and many of them. One of those problems is endemic sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

The Republic of South Africa, which would be one of the more modern and progressive countries in the continent unfortunately has it share too. However the government has tried several  initiatives to help to alleviate the situation.

One of these happened in 1999, when David Horowitz, marketing manager of the Society for Family Health in Johannesburg undertook to run a campaign to promote safer sex.

It turned out to be the worst safe-sex campaign  –  EVER!

In fact Horowitz later had to admit that the campaign had actually dramatically increased the danger of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy, rather than curtailing them.

The Society for Family Health had distributed thousands of pamphlets in Zulu, Xhosa, English, Sotho and Afrikaans, all featuring the character Johnny the Condom and warning against unprotected sex. A free government condom was attached to the leaflet.

Great job you would think. But think again, is anything the government ever does a ‘good job’? Not really and certainly not in Africa where money is scarce and everyone is trying to make their resources go as far as possible.

“We made a deal with a low-budget distribution company,” Horowitz admitted.

And unfortunately all the condoms had been stapled to the leaflet!

Whoops!!!

 

Whoops!

 

 

And then there is this apparently true story, that happened just a few years ago, of a German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage to try to find out why they’re still childless.

This is hard to believe but the answer was apparently that they weren’t having sex. Yip, that’ll do it every time – er, or not, you know what I mean!

The medical crew at the University Clinic of Lubeck said they’d never heard of a case like it.

Doctors subjected the couple to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile and should have had no trouble conceiving.

“When we asked them how often they had sex, they looked blank and said: ‘What do you mean?’”

“We’re not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate.’”

The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old hapless hubby are now being given sex lessons therapy.

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? No, forget it, I’m not even going to ask the question today…