Who needs rhetorical questions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It a bit like asking, who needs Puns when you know everybody does!

And here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

Apparently most people lean slightly

forward when they nod their head.

I must say I’m inclined to agree.

 

.

.

Where do people from Senegal drive?

In Dakar

 

.

.

Someone just threw a bottle

of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don’t worry, I only suffered

super fish oil injuries.

 

.

.

Skydiving without a parachute is

a once in a lifetime experience.

 

.

.

Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

 

.

.

I work as a waiter.

The pay isn’t great

but I put food on the table.

 

.

.

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 

.

.

Passport Inspectors:

You’ve got to hand it to them

 

.

.

My ex-wife was deaf.

She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest,

I should have seen the signs.

 

.

.

When I was little I had imaginary friends

and I used to play with them all the time.

They were real people,

I just imagined they were my friends.

 

.

.

Coke dealers.

Always sticking their business

in other people’s noses.

 

.

.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar

“Round?”

“Round?”

“Get a round”

“I get a round?”

“Get a round….”

.

.

=============================

.

Astronomy Is Looking Up.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Astronomy is indeed looking up and so is today now that you’ve realized it’s Pun Day.

Lots more word play below, so…

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

My friends say

I always contradict them,

but I disagree.

 

.

.

I applied for a loan,

but the bank had zero percent interest.

 

.

.

For every action,

there is a social media over-reaction.

 

.

.

I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting.

Underneath it said “Loaned anonymously.”

I went to the front desk and said,

“I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please.”

 

.

.

Quantum mechanics:

The dreams stuff is made of.

 

.

.

I was a whisker away from finding

an entire utensil set yesterday.

 

.

.

Pyongyang

– the only capital city that sounds

like a ricochet sound effect

from an old fashioned Western.

 

.

.

My friend has just had surgery.

‘Surgery’ being the operative word.

 

.

.

I was playing scrabble with my dad

when he spelled the word “stneve”.

It was an unexpected turn of events.

 

.

.

Do deaf mathematicians

speak in sine language?

 

.

.

They say when a man meets the right woman,

he is complete.

They say when a man meets the wrong woman,

he is finished.

They say when the right woman

meets the wrong woman with the man,

he is completely finished.

 

.

.

Stupidity is not a handicap.

Park elsewhere.

.

============================

.

Puns About Monorails Always Make For Decent One-Liners.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

 

It is just as hard to guage the size of a monorail as it is to guage the popularity of puns.

Here is another selection of word plays that may help you make up your mind.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

According to ‘serving suggestions’

I’m a family of four

 

.

.

Me and my friend used to spend

all our time together in a tree-house,

but then we fell out.

 

.

.

I come from a small town

whose population never changes.

Every time a woman falls pregnant,

someone leaves town.

 

.

.

A synanym is a word you use

in place of one you can’t spell.

 

.

.

It’s difficult to say something tongue-in-cheek

without people thinking you have a speech impediment.

 

.

.

 I had the right to remain silent,

unfortunately I didn’t have the ability.

 

.

.

It’s my first session with the

Impatience Support Group is tonight

…….. I can’t wait.

 

.

.

I realized I didn’t have many friends

when I tried to text Ben,

scrolled down my contacts list

and accidentally texted William.

 

.

.

My doctor said to me,

“Do you know your sperm count?”

I said,

“No, I didn’t know they were that clever.”

 

.

.

Did you hear about the American

who went on a holiday to India and

didn’t manage to see a single wig wam?

 

.

.

How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?

By becoming a Ventriloquist.

 

.

.

Finally, here’s a joke for

all the mind readers out there….

.

.

Did you like it?

.

===========================

.

General Confusion And Major Disaster.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.   

No, today’s post is not about matters military, although the term ‘SNAFU’ would be rather appropriate.

This one is about the General Election in Britain in May 2015 that will decide who will run the country for the next five years and who will be Prime Minister. This is a crucial election for voters because there is no real front runner. One party is as bad as the other. So a few votes here and there could make a crucial difference. Sounds a bit like Florida!

It may even end up with another coalition government in Britain, although I don’t know if the Conservatives could stomach another five years of being tied to the Liberals – but what am I talking about, of course they could, if it meant clinging on to power.

The election might be even closer than it should be because millions of people may be unable to vote. The secretive Whitehall department of stupid bureaucrats responsible for – wait for the irony, “efficiency” – refused to heed warnings from its own pilot programs that showed it had major problems with data matching.

It is very similar to the way the nerds at Microsoft didn’t believe their testers when they told them Windows 8 was a pile of doo-doo.

The bureaucrats first of all created new legal requirements for voter registration requiring them to verify information that was previously taken on trust.

The only thing is, about five and a half million voters went missing from the Electoral Register. The tests they carried out told them this was likely to happen, but they didn’t listen. Bureaucrats never do until it is too late.

According to government sources, “The digital service allows anyone to register to vote online, from any device connected to the web. It’s incredibly quick and simple – it takes less than five minutes.”

They forgot to add the crucial line that – it doesn’t work.

The problems became apparent as soon as the web service went live. The Electoral Register was a lot shorter than it had been. Not only that but strange things also began to happen.

For example, a five-year-old boy in Crewe had been given the vote – but he couldn’t get off the Electoral Register, because he was not able to produce his National Insurance number, which of course he didn’t have – because he was only five. Duhh!!!

In another case a woman, who had been an eligible voter on the Electoral Roll for twenty years, failed to get on to the new one because her National Insurance number was in her maiden name which did not match with her married name which the system insisted she use now.

The whole thing has turned into a government-created mess. People are now filling in the registration form thinking that means they are registered to vote, but actually they haven’t. All they have managed to do is submit an application to register to vote.

It’s bit like filling in a form so that you are eligible to fill in a form. A bureaucrat’s dream!

So it’s looking like general confusion and major disaster for the election. Just more proof that government bureaucrats and computer systems just don’t belong together.

.

==========================

.

Never Judge A Book By It’s Movie.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

. 

That’s good advice in the title by the way.

Now for some good word plays or puns.

As ever….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

What do you get if you cross

a mountain and a desert?

Tired feet.

 

.

.

My girlfriend asked me,

“If you could have any super-power,

which one would you have?”

I said, “America.”

 

 

.

.

Education is important but

becoming a model is importanter.

 

.

.

The key to being funny is

to say smart things stupidly…

or was is it stupid things smartly?

Whatever,

it’s not rocket surgery.

 

.

.

I used to see this girl across the road from me

but she closes her curtains now!

 

.

.

I often say to myself,

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

 

.

.

My friend and his wife are a fastidious couple.

He is fast and she is hideous.

(Or is it the other way round?)

 

.

.

The instructions on my microwave meal

say ‘stir and recover’

How tiring do they think stirring actually is?

 

.

.

How to fall downstairs.

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11

 

.

.

And so, with a heavy heart,

I explained to the wife that I’ve

got too much iron in my blood.

 

.

.

Scientists now think that global warming

is the main cause of documentaries and stupid laws

 

.

.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West

could have been avoided completely if

cowboy architects had just made their

towns big enough for everyone.

.

.

================================

.

Gullibility test kit – send $19.99 now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.   

Gullible or not now is your chance to look at this week’s selection of word plays, better known as puns.

As usual they come with choice….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

I have four problems in life:

counting,

remembering

and counting.

 

.

.

I was driving along the other day,

when a bloke stopped me and said,

“Your back mud flaps have fallen off.”

I said, “Can’t do much about it now,

I’ll just carry on rear guard less.”

 

.

.

Stable relationships

are for horses

 

.

.

My friend told me that after years of doubt,

he is now convinced my wife is having an affair.

“We’ve gone and moved 250 miles away,” he told me.

“And we’ve still got the same window cleaner.”

 

.

.

It’s times like these, when I’m sat

in bed with my computer on my knee,

that I really wish I’d bought a laptop.

 

.

.

I think I may have a shower.

Just checked, yes I do, it’s upstairs.

 

.

.

I just found $20 hanging from my ceiling.

It was a suicide note.

 

.

.

Exaggerations went up

by a million percent last year.

 

.

.

If Einstein hadn’t come up with

the Theory of Relativity,

someone else would have.

It was only a matter of time.

 

.

.

My cat is absolutely terrified

of thunder and lightening.

The pussy.

 

.

.

What part of my body is as long as your thigh,

contains over 120 muscles,

and is an anagram of “pensi”?

No, you’re completely wrong.

The correct answer is my spine.

 

.

.

According to my facebook timeline,

I had no life before joining Facebook in 2012.

I believe it to be the other way around.

.

=================================

.

I Love Grandfather Clocks. Big Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And I love puns as well.

So brace yourselves for another selection of word plays.

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

It pains me to say it,

but I have a sore throat

 

.

.

There was a knock at the door this morning,

so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, “I’d better let this sink in.”

 

.

.

For the record I bought

a vinyl cleaning machine

 

.

.

Having just punched a midget selling watches,

I know I’ve hit an all time low.

 

.

.

Are there any fat people in Finland?

 

.

.

Have you ever wondered what the

word for ‘dot’ looks like in braille?

 

.

.

My girlfriend broke up with me

because of my obsession with puzzles.

There were a lot of cross words

 

.

.

I can’t undo wrongs.

But I can write them.

 

.

.

A friend dared me to steal a

flat-bottomed boat from the river.

I thought, “Why not. I’ll take a punt.”

 

.

.

Everyone loved the baker.

He had a massive flan base.

 

.

.

I don’t regard being a toastmaster a job,

it’s more a calling.

 

.

.

The ten largest baseball stadiums hold

between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

 

.

.

My girlfriend asked me what I’d do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, “Do you mean it would be pointless?”

I said, “No, I’d just go out and buy another one.”

 

.

.

I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.

They scare the crap out of me.

.

===============================

.

Understanding what is beyond the horizon is beyond me.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But puns I do understand.

What is a little more puzzling is why I like them and why so many others do as well.

Still, we can figure out that conundrum another time.

For now it’s another Pun Day, so….

Enjoy or endure!

.

.

I bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box

and it’s not much good.

It doesn’t surprise me.

 

.

.

Some guy came up to me in the street today

and said “Wow, you look odd.”

I replied “Well, so do you.”

“Guess that made us even.”

 

.

.

I’ve just come back from the corner shop.

I bought four corners.

 

.

.

So King Abdullah died,

that should sheikh things up a bit.

 

.

.

I’ve got a part time job for a company

making rubberized computer keyboards.

It’s flexible shifts.

 

.

.

Someone stopped me while I was jogging

this morning to ask why I had

duct tape over my mouth.

I didn’t answer.

It’s a running gag.

 

.

.

A friend of mine bought a second hand

deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas,

but after four weeks they hadn’t arrived.

When he asked for an update, they said

they were still dealing with his order.

 

.

.

Did you hear about the fisherman

who was learning Spanish

He got lost at Si

 

.

.

I’m currently reading a book about

North African invaders during

Medieval times and can’t put it down.

Its very moorish.

 

.

.

I looked up the definition of

the word “arbitrary” today.

For no particular reason.

 

.

.

My boss said,

“As part of our cost-saving drive we are

installing energy-efficient lights in the toilets.

They work on a motion detection system.”

I replied,

“That’s all fair and well, but what if

someone’s just going in for a pee?”

 

.

.

A storm has ripped through

my coconut farm…

I’m desiccated.

 

.

.

Whenever I find a pretty girl

I look for intelligence.

Because if she doesn’t have that,

then she’s mine!

 

.

.

I always ask too many questions.

Does anybody know why this is?

 

.

.

I text a friend the other day asking him

who his favorite composer is.

Surprisingly, he didn’t text Bach.

.

.

==================================

.

April Fools Day, So Let’s Have A Look At Some Fools!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It’s April Fool’s Day and what more appropriate post than to have our final look (for now) at the fools who need warning labels on everything and the fools who write the warnings.

Enjoy the stupidity.

.

“Remove the plastic wrapper.”

The first instruction on a

bag of microwave popcorn;

BUT to see the instructions,

one first has to remove the plastic

wrapper and unfold the pouch.

 

.

.

“Take one capsule by mouth

three times daily until gone.”

On a box of pills.

 

.

.

“Open packet. Eat contents.”

Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

 

.

.

“Remove wrapper,

open mouth,

insert muffin,

eat.”

Instructions on the packaging

for a muffin at a 7-11.

 

.

.

“Use like regular soap.”

On a bar of Dial soap.

 

.

.

“Instructions: usage known.”

Instructions on a can of black pepper.

 

.

.

“Serving suggestion: Defrost.”

On a Swann frozen dinner.

 

.

.

“Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and

allow the cat to eat when it wants.”

On a bag of cat biscuits.

 

.

.

“In order to get out of car,

open door, get out, lock doors,

and then close doors.”

In a car manual.

 

.

.

“The appliance is switched on by setting

the on/off switch to the ‘on’ position.”

Instructions for an espresso kettle.

 

.

=====================================

.

Ebay Accounts Are Forbidden.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Sadly WordPress doesn’t let you bid on these posts either. I wonder why not?

Still, never mind, we have another Pun Day to look forward too now.

So….

Enjoy or endure!!

.

.

WANTED:

Assistant required to fill

hourglasses with sand.

No timewasters.

 

.

.

When bakers have a fight

They go at it all Buns Glazing.

 

.

.

My friend is really interested in magnets.

Personally, I can’t see the attraction.

 

.

.

Some bloke just barged into my caravan

accusing me of being the world’s worst psychic.

I don’t know what he was thinking.

 

.

.

I entered a cartoonist competition today,

there were five of us in it,

we drew..

 

.

.

How do trespassers get in your house?

Intruder window.

 

.

.

This morning a beautiful blonde

came up to me in the street

and wrote her phone number on my hand

in bright yellow felt tip pen…

… It was the highlight of my day !

 

.

.

I gave my son a faceless coin.

He couldn’t make head nor tails of it.

 

.

.

If I see one more person misuse an apostrophe

I think Ill go completely nut’s !

 

.

.

I am permanently hooked up to a device

which gives me an electric shock

if I say something negative.

It’s not ideal, but I can’t complain

 

.

.

I’ve noticed that chess players

always close the door behind them

Do you think they don’t like draughts?

 

.

.

Somebody closed the lid on my piano.

Now i can’t open it because the keys are inside.

 

.

.

My friend has just directed his

own under-budget documentary,

“Living with the World’s Smallest Bath”.

I thought I’d give him a little plug.

 

.

.

You can tell the sex of an ant

by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant

 

.

.

The number of people who shout

“Boo!”

to their friends has risen by 85%.

That’s a frightening statistic.

 .

.

===================================

.