A Man Walked Into A Hardware Store….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

In case today’s title was a little bit obscure for you, it’s pun day again.

Yes even more of those bad jokes and word plays.

Enjoy!

.

.

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asked the assistant.

“No, it kills them,” was the reply.

hardware store

.

.

My Doctor told me I’m a Paranoid Schizophrenic.

We think he’s out to get us

.

. 

I went into the pharmacy last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”

“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.

I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

pharmacy

.

. 

I used to go out with a midget but we broke up.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

.

.

I went to the missing persons bureau,

but there was no-one there.

missing persons bureau

.

. 

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

.

. 

Why do they call it ‘raw’ sewage?

Is someone somewhere cooking it?

cartoon-chef

.

. 

I am very much into DIY.

Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

.

.

Ted Kennedy got told off for not opening the door for his girlfriend when he was on a date.

Instead he just swam to the surface.

kennedy_cartoon

.

. 

Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

.

. 

Food has supplanted sex as the main driving force in my life

– now I can’t even get into my own pants.

pants

.

. 

I had a horrible childhood.

My father was a Pontoon dealer in Vegas,

that’s why he used to hit me till I was 21

.

I conducted an orchestra the other day.

It’s more fun than you can shake a stick at.

Conductor

.

. 

They say being a hostage is difficult…

…But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

.

. 

What’s got four legs and goes “boo”?

A cow with a cold.

cartoon-cow

.

. 

The Interstate was blocked for an hour yesterday

after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady.

Police are describing it as a freak accident.

.

. 

Bloody feminists.

They should all be put behind bras.

comic_feministbraburnings

.

. 

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

==================================

.

Time For A Mid-Week Test

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

. 

Time for a mid-week test.

Today a selection of questions, some of them easy, some tricky, and one or two rather difficult.

So grab a cup of coffee and have a go.

As usual the answers are waaaaaay down below, but no cheating!

.

 puzzle, test, exam. quiz, assessment

.

Q. 1:  What becomes wetter the more it dries?

.

.

Q. 2:  A red-house is made of red bricks, has a red wooden door and a red roof.

A yellow-house is made of yellow bricks, has a yellow wooden door and a yellow roof.

What is a green-house made of?

.

.

Q. 3:  There are six eggs in the basket.

Six people each take one of the eggs.

How can it be that one egg is left in the basket?

.

.

Q. 4:  Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

.

.

Q. 5:  A New York city hairdresser recently said that he would rather cut the hair of three Canadians than one New Yorker. Why?

.

.

Q. 6:  There are six glasses in a row.

The first three are full of water, and the next three are empty.

By moving only one glass how can you make them alternate between full and empty?

.

.

Q. 7:  Three men in a cafe order a meal the total cost of which is $15.

They each contribute $5.

The waiter takes the money to the chef who recognizes the three as friends and asks the waiter to return $5 to the men.

The waiter is not only poor at mathematics but dishonest and instead of going to the trouble of splitting the $5 between the three he simply gives them $1 each and pockets the remaining $2 for himself.

Now, each of the men effectively paid $4, the total paid is therefore $12.

Add the $2 in the waiters pocket and this comes to $14.

….where has the other $1 gone from the original $15?

.Q. 1:  

.

Q. 8:  How could a baby fall out of a twenty-story building onto the ground and live?

.

.

Q. 9:  If:

2 3 = 10

7 2 = 63

6 5 = 66

8 4 = 96

9 7 = ??

.

.

Q. 10:  Name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday.

.

.

Q. 11:  Many shops have prices set just under a round figure, e.g. $9.99 instead of $10.00 or $99.95 instead of $100.00 . It is assumed that this is done because the price seems lower to the consumer. But this is not the reason the practice started. What was the original reason for this pricing method?

.

.

Q. 12:  How do you get from cold to warm in four steps, changing only one letter at a time?

C O L D

_  _  _  _

_  _  _  _

_  _  _  _

W A R M

.

.

Q. 13:  A snail creeps 10 feet up a wall during the daytime, then falls asleep.

It wakes up the next morning and discovers it slipped down 6 feet.

If this happens each day, how many days will it take to reach the top of a 22 foot wall?

.

.

Q. 14:  You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus.

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

An old friend who once saved your life.

The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Knowing that there can only be one passenger in your car, whom would you choose?

.

===============================

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> 

ANSWERS:

.

Q. 1:  What becomes wetter the more it dries?       

A. 1:  A Towel

.

.

Q. 2:  A red-house is made of red bricks, has a red wooden door and a red roof.

      A yellow-house is made of yellow bricks, has a yellow wooden door and a yellow roof.

     What is a green-house made of?

A. 2:  Glass

.

.

Q. 3:  There are six eggs in the basket.

     Six people each take one of the eggs.

     How can it be that one egg is left in the basket?

A. 3:  The last person took the basket with the last egg still inside.

.

.

Q. 4:  Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

A. 4:  Round covers cannot be dropped or fall down a manhole, unlike square ones.

.

.

Q. 5:  A New York city hairdresser recently said that he would rather cut the hair of three Canadians than one New Yorker. Why?

A. 5:  Because he would earn three times as much money!

.

.

Q. 6:  There are six glasses in a row. The first three are full of water, and the next three are empty.

     By moving only one glass how can you make them alternate between full and empty?

A. 6:  Pour the water from the 2nd glass into the 5th glass.

.

.

Q. 7:  Three men in a cafe order a meal the total cost of which is $15.

      They each contribute $5.

      The waiter takes the money to the chef who recognizes the three as friends and asks the waiter to return $5 to the men.

      The waiter is not only poor at mathematics but dishonest and instead of going to the trouble of splitting the $5 between the three he simply gives them $1 each and pockets the remaining $2 for himself.

      Now, each of the men effectively paid $4, the total paid is therefore $12. Add the $2 in the waiters pocket and this comes to $14.

      ….where has the other $1 gone from the original $15? 

A. 7:  The payments should equal the receipts.

      It does not make sense to add what was paid by the men ($12) to what was received from that payment by the waiter ($2)

      Although the initial bill was $15 dollars, one of the five dollar notes gets changed into five ones.

      The total the three men ultimately paid is $12, as they get three ones back. So from the $12 the men paid, the owner receives $10 and the waiter receives the $2 difference. $15 – $3 = $10 + $2

.

.

Q. 8:  How could a baby fall out of a twenty-story building onto the ground and live?

A. 8:  The baby fell out of a ground floor window.

.

.

Q. 9:  If:

      2 3 = 10

      7 2 = 63

      6 5 = 66

      8 4 = 96

      9 7 = ??

A. 9:  f(n,m) = (n + m) * n

e.g. f(2,3) = (2 + 3) * 2 = 10

Hence, f(9,7) = (9 + 7) * 9 = 144

.

.

Q. 10:  Name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday.

A. 10:  Yesterday, today and tomorrow

.

.

Q. 11:  Many shops have prices set just under a round figure, e.g. $9.99 instead of $10.00 or $99.95 instead of $100.00 . It is assumed that this is done because the price seems lower to the consumer. But this is not the reason the practice started. What was the original reason for this pricing method?

A. 11:  The practice originated to ensure that the clerk had to open the till and give change for each transaction, thus recording the sale and preventing him from pocketing the bank notes.

.

.

Q. 12:  How do you get from cold to warm in four steps, changing only one letter at a time?

C O L D

_  _  _  _

_  _  _  _

_  _  _  _

W A R M

A. 12:  

C O L D

C O R D

W O R D

W O R M  or  W A R D  

W A R M

.

.

Q. 13:  A snail creeps 10 feet up a wall during the daytime, then falls asleep.

     It wakes up the next morning and discovers it slipped down 6 feet.

     If this happens each day, how many days will it take to reach the top of a 22 foot wall?

A. 13:  4 days

     Day 1: up to 10, down to 4

     Day 2: up to 14, down to 8

     Day 3: up to 18, down to 12

     Day 4: up to 22 and done

.

.

Q. 14:  You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus

     An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

     An old friend who once saved your life.

     The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

     Knowing that there can only be one passenger in your car, whom would you choose?

A. 14:   The old lady of course!

    After helping the old lady into the car, you can give your keys to your friend, and wait with your perfect partner for the bus.

.

==========================

 .

Dumb People – Dumb Questions, I Guess It’s As Simple As That!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Another selection of stupid questions asked by stupid people about stupid things that of little or no interest to anyone but themselves.

Enjoy.

.

.

How do I get rid of roly-poly bugs in a house?

 roly poly bug

.

.

How do I properly react to a job offer?

job offer

.

.

What is the difference between black pudding and white pudding?

black pudding and white pudding

.

.

What is the difference between afternoon tea and high tea?

tea high tea

.

.

Why do we say ” mother tongue” and not “father tongue” when everything else is linked to the father?

mother tongue

.

.

Is it true that simulated violence make people more aggressive?

simulated violence

.

.

Where can I buy the DERMA Underarm Whitening Kit?

paint-and-brush

.

.

How cold is too cold for a cat?

garfield___cold_cat

.

.

Do you ever get phantom vibrations in your pockets?

pockets

.

.

What is the strongest way to build a spaghetti tower with gum drops?

Gumdrop2

.

.

Why are my cucumbers dying? How do I grow amazing cucumbers?

cucumber

.

.

At a blind person’s moment of great danger or death does his life flash between his ears?

cartoon-ears

.

====================

.

Do You Have To Fail A Test To Get On These Programs?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

. 

Another round of answers given by less than smart contestants on television and radio quiz shows.

It all makes me wonder what test do you have to do to get on these shows?

And does passing rule you out of taking part in the programs?

Enjoy.

.

.

Q: Name a city in Arizona          

A: Tampa Bay

Q: Someone, living or dead, many people hate  

A: Rodney Dangerfield   

Q: Name a foreign country that you would want to visit  

A: Pakistan

Q: Name a holiday named after a person           

A: January

A: Easter

Q: The perfect dessert for a supermodel           

A: Chocolate Cake

A: Brownies      

Q: The most famous Disney character, other than Mickey Mouse

A: The road runner

Q: Name a city that begins with “San”    

A: Seattle

Q: An occupation requiring a college degree      

A: Vice president          

Q: An animal that starts with “D,” besides “dog”

A: Dragon

A: Dachshund   

Q: Name something people buy to impress other people           

A: Motorhome   

Q: The most enjoyable award show on television           

A ……….Family Feud (She heard “game show”)  

Q: Name a country in Africa      

A: South America

Q: Name something people drink when they have a cold

A: Vick’s

Q: Name a city named after a president 

A: Carson City  

Q: Name a man’s “best friend”  

A: Rubies


==================================

. 

And then I found this. Sorry!

Day Two 2013, Are You Scared Yet?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

If you aren’t scared yet the chances are you are not afflicted with anything on the following list of phobias or irrational fears that seem to grip some unfortunate people. For them 2013 will be as frightening as 2012. Imagine, for example, spending the whole year with proctophobia – what a bummer!

In today’s list are the ‘O’s and the ‘P’s. 

Enjoy.

Obesophobia……….fear of gaining weight. (Pocrescophobia)

 

Ochlophobia……….fear of crowds or mobs.

 

Ochophobia……….fear of vehicles.

 

Octophobia ……….fear of the figure 8.

 

Odontophobia……….fear of teeth or dental surgery.

 

Odynophobia or Odynephobia……….fear of pain. (Algophobia)

 

Oenophobia……….fear of wines.

 

Oikophobia……….fear of home surroundings, house. (Domatophobia, Eicophobia)

 

Olfactophobia……….fear of smells.

 

Ombrophobia……….fear of rain or of being rained on.

 

Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia……….fear of eyes.

 

Omphalophobia……….fear of belly buttons.

 

Oneirophobia……….fear of dreams.

 

Oneirogmophobia……….fear of wet dreams.

 

Onomatophobia……….fear of hearing a certain word or of names.

 

Ophidiophobia……….fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)

 

Ophthalmophobia……….fear of being stared at.

 

Opiophobia……….fear medical doctors experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients.

 

Optophobia……….fear of opening one’s eyes.

 

Ornithophobia……….fear of birds.

 

Orthophobia……….fear of property.

 

Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia……….fear of smells or odors.

 

Ostraconophobia……….fear of shellfish.

 

Ouranophobia or Uranophobia……….fear of heaven.

 

Pagophobia……….fear of ice or frost.

 

Panthophobia……….fear of suffering and disease.

 

Panophobia or Pantophobia……….fear of everything.

 

Papaphobia……….fear of the Pope.

 

Papyrophobia……….fear of paper.

 

Paralipophobia……….fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.

 

Paraphobia……….fear of sexual perversion.

 

Parasitophobia……….fear of parasites.

 

Paraskavedekatriaphobia……….fear of Friday the 13th.

 

Parthenophobia……….fear of virgins or young girls.

 

Pathophobia……….fear of disease.

 

Patroiophobia……….fear of heredity.

 

Parturiphobia……….fear of childbirth.

 

Peccatophobia……….fear of sinning or imaginary crimes.

 

Pediculophobia……….fear of lice.

 

Pediophobia……….fear of dolls.

 

Pedophobia……….fear of children.

 

Peladophobia……….fear of bald people.

 

Pellagrophobia……….fear of pellagra.

 

Peniaphobia……….fear of poverty.

 

Pentheraphobia……….fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)

 

Phagophobia……….fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.

 

Phalacrophobia……….fear of becoming bald.

 

Phallophobia……….fear of a penis, especially erect.

 

Pharmacophobia……….fear of taking medicine.

 

Phasmophobia……….fear of ghosts.

 

Phengophobia……….fear of daylight or sunshine.

 

Philemaphobia or Philematophobia……….fear of kissing.

 

Philophobia……….fear of falling in love or being in love.

 

Philosophobia……….fear of philosophy.

 

Phobophobia……….fear of phobias.

 

Photoaugliaphobia……….fear of glaring lights.

 

Photophobia……….fear of light.

 

Phonophobia……….fear of noises or voices or one’s own voice; of telephones.

 

Phronemophobia……….fear of thinking.

 

Phthiriophobia……….fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)

 

Phthisiophobia……….fear of tuberculosis.

 

Placophobia……….fear of tombstones.

 

Plutophobia……….fear of wealth.

 

Pluviophobia……….fear of rain or of being rained on.

 

Pneumatiphobia……….fear of spirits.

 

Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia……….fear of choking of being smothered.

 

Pocrescophobia……….fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)

 

Podophobia……….fear of feet.

 

Pogonophobia……….fear of beards.

 

Poliosophobia……….fear of contracting poliomyelitis.

 

Politicophobia……….fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.

 

Polyphobia……….fear of many things.

 

Poinephobia……….fear of punishment.

 

Ponophobia……….fear of overworking or of pain.

 

Porphyrophobia……….fear of the color purple.

 

Potamophobia……….fear of rivers or running water.

 

Potophobia……….fear of alcohol.

 

Pharmacophobia……….fear of drugs.

 

Proctophobia……….fear of rectums.

 

Prosophobia……….fear of progress.

 

P-P-P-P-P-Psellismophobia……….fear of stuttering.

 

Psychophobia……….fear of mind.

 

Psychrophobia……….fear of cold.

 

Pteridophobia……….morbid fear of fearns.

 

Pteromerhanophobia……….fear of flying.

 

Pteronophobia……….fear of being tickled by feathers.

 

Pupaphobia ……….fear of puppets.

 

Pyrexiophobia……….fear of fever.

 

Pyrophobia……….fear of fire.

 

How are you after all that? Are you developing symptoms or are you feeling good?

.

 

.

=================

.

Remembering The Warmness Of The Day

A little change of pace again today.

When I was a kid I loved going to the beach (still do actually).

Every summer, or what passed for a summer, in those days we lived very much up north, there was always great anticipation about an imminent trip to see the sea. First, however, there was the tedious part, the journey there. When you are a kid things like that seem to take forever, but the excitement kept us all going and eventually we were within sight of the beach.

Finding somewhere to park was the next problem. It seemed everybody had the same idea as us. But we always found a spot and quickly gathered up all our beach gear and headed as fast as we could towards the salty fresh air and the inviting water.

While Mom and Dad took care of all the important stuff like organizing towels, seats, even a big umbrella for a bit of shade, we stripped down to our swimwear and ran as fast as we could towards the sea. (I keep calling it the “sea”, but actually it was the Atlantic Ocean.)

Each year we did the same thing, and each year we learned nothing from the year before.

On we galloped into the water and approximately 1.25 seconds after that we remembered.

The cold.

Sooooooo cold.

The water that looked so inviting was so very, very cold.

For an old person the shock might well have been too much for the system. But when you are young you tend to shrug off these minor discomforts. We were at the beach, and we were in the sea. That’s all that mattered.

After a while it didn’t feel so cold. Our feet and legs had grown accustomed to the temperature. Actually our feet and legs were probably numb by this time and would not have felt it if we had been standing in boiling water either.

And then just as we were starting to enjoy the whole experience, in would come a big wave and it would splash all over our upper bodies which had not been in the water yet and had not been given the chance to go completely numb.

It was always a “WTF” moment, even in the days when we didn’t know what “WTF” meant!

But there was nothing else available so we were none the wiser and made the best of it. There were also a few laughs too.

A friend, George, was always good for one or two. George fancied himself as a bit of an underwater expert and he always had a face mask and snorkel with him. Trouble was when George launched himself for an underwater expedition only his head ever went under the water. Most of the rest of him was in the fresh air. He must have had great natural buoyancy.

That was funny enough, but then someone (yes, sometimes me) would push the little ball thingumy into the snorkel pipe which soon provoked a serious amount of splashing and gasping for air as George’s head resurfaced. He was never very pleased, but the rest of us cracked up.

Then there was usually some unfortunate kid whose granny had bought him (or maybe even made) his swimming trunks. On dry land and even going into the water these were fine and looked quite normal, but coming out to go back up to the beach was quite another thing. You see the material they were made of often as not was water absorbent and these poor souls lumbered their way out of the ocean with a crotch full of icy water dragging between their knees. They must have weighed a ton and it’s a miracle they stayed on at all. It was so funny and I daren’t say what names we called them. Kids can be so cruel.

That was the “refreshing dip” over. We spent the next hour or two on the beach, first getting dried and then lying in the sun thawing out. Then it was off to get something to eat and on to the amusement park to go on a few rides there and spend more pennies in the various slot machines and games.

When it was time to leave both us and our money supply were exhausted. The trip home was a lot shorter, mainly because we slept most of the way. But the day had been good. Enjoyed by all. And the memories were selective. We’d do it again, soon, but we would never remember the coldness of the water, just the warmness of the day.