Whoever Invented The Selfie Needs To Take A Good Look At Themselves.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And since it’s pun day again you need to take a good look at this latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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What do you call

a German on speaker phone?

Hans Free

cartoon hands free

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‘Sugar’

is the only word in the English language

in which the S, is pronounced ‘sh’.

I’m sure of that.

sh

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My brother has had to

close down his archery business.

In the first 12 months 

he didn’t hit any of his targets .

archery-target

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Ten years in the same job and

not once have I been in the boss’s office.

That’s what got me fired as a cleaner.

cleaner

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Just been mugged and beaten up.

I tried to defend myself with a drawing pin.

Turns out a tac isn’t the best form of defense after all.

tac

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Before we split up, my wife

was obsessed with horoscopes.

I’m sure that’s what Taurus apart.

taurus

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I was on the freeway when a guy driving in the other direction

started flashing his lights, beeping his horn and screaming,

“You’re going the wrong way!”

What an idiot.

He didn’t even know where I was going.

A-Motorist-Driving-the-Wrong-Way

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What has a pee at

the end of a tram?

A tramp.

cartoon tramp

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Breaking News:

Man arrested over missing woman

Imagine if he’d hit her???

breaking news

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Adoption jokes –

There’s never a good time to tell them.

adopted

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I don’t approve of my girlfriend’s one night stand.

Why should she be the only one with

somewhere to put a bedside lamp.

night stand lamp

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I threw three DVDs at exactly the same time

to see which one would hit the wall first.

It was a discrace.

DVDs

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My wife called me into the bathroom

and asked me to wash her back.

I don’t remember her

washing me in the first place.

washing back

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Erectile dysfunction;

just when you thought

it couldn’t get any harder.

checking_for_signs_of_life

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My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that 

I have been cheating on her with Clara next door.

Last night, she packed her things and left.

I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

Take it away Johnny….

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Clones Are People Two.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Great news today!

The September puns start here.

I know you will, but I’ll say it anyway.

Enjoy!

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My son broke his Apple computer today and

had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one.

I just told him, “Apples don’t grow on trees you know!”

pun apple tree

 

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I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.

I did, however, get six years in jail

for armed robbery of a gas station.

pun shell gas station

 

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NBC have commissioned my new show about

what goes on inside an airplane cockpit.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

pun pilot

 

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A man walks into a library and says

“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

pun reverse-psychology1

 

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People used to tell me being blind would

hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?

pun blind-turkey-farmer

 

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My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa.

Looking back, she was aslut.

pun tulsa aslut

 

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My friend recently moved in with his girlfriend

and her massive magazine collection.

But when she refused to part with them he left her.

Apparently she had too many issues.

pun too many issues

 

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I’m not worried about the Third World War.

That’s the Third World’s Problem.

pun Third World

 

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I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local bar.

All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

pun toilet-cologne-stadium

 

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Some guy broke into my house last night.

Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

pun santa-burglar

 

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My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn’t drink, he was just bad at quizzes.

pun simpsonsgood46

 

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I recently went on a holiday to a place called Romania.

It was useless; no one was even rowing.

pun rowing

 

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A guy I know has invented a new hobby

called “blindfold plane watching”.

Can’t see it taking off.

pun blindfolded

 

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I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,

“Maybe it would be better if I put it in.”

pun laptop-with-open-dvd-tray-and-usb-flash-drive

 

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My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.

“Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back.

I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?”

pun cocksure

 

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Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name,

but no-one knows his real identity.

It’s a Mr E.

pun mr t

 

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I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment,

and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp.

That’s unthinkable!

pun titanic

 

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I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

The man said, “Is it for a clock?”

I said, “How do I know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

pun cartoon for a clock

 

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I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend

so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

pun united_states_quarter

 

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I’ll leave you with a word of warning.

pun beware

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