Merry Christmas Everyone.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi and thanks for taking time out of your Christmas celebrations to visit my blog.

Hope you are all having a great time and enjoying the Christmas spirit.

But just in case you are having too good a time here are a bunch of punny Christmas jokes.

Enjoy or endure – but have a very merry Christmas as well.

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Ah! Christmas!

The one day of the year we can all say

our children are truly gifted!

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What do you call a blind reindeer?

I have no eye deer

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Did you know that Santa stores all

the presents in the pole vault.

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It has been said that the three phrases

that best sum up the Christmas season are:

“Peace on Earth”,

“Goodwill to Men” and

“Batteries not included.”

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Why is Santa a good race car driver?

Because he’s always in the pole position.

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Where do mistletoe go to become famous?

“Holly” wood!

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How to cats greet each other at Christmas time?

A Furry Merry Christmas

& Happy Mew Year.

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What do you call a cow

at the North Pole?

An Eski-moo.

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Q: What’s the difference between

Tiger Woods and Santa?

A: Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.

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The 4 stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

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Which reindeer was known

for his bad manners?

Rude-olph.

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Why is Santa Claus always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Christmas is the time of year

when women get Santamental.

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If I was Miley Cyrus, I think I would have

roast twerky on Christmas Day.

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Hats Off, It’s The Quiz!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I suppose I should have said Panama hats off because that’s one of today’s questions.

You will also need to have a sprinkling of knowledge about marbles, wars, cooking and even fairytales to stack up the points today.

But if you get stuck, as always, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Q.  1:  An easy one to start with,  where did Panama hats originate?

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Q.  2:  What are toy marbles made from?

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Q.  3:  How long did the ‘100 Years War’ last?

            a)  106 years          b)  116 years          c)  126 years

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Q.  4:  what is the only mobile National Monument in the USA?

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Q.  5:  Here’s one for all you beer drinkers, in what month is the world famous ‘Munich Oktoberfest’ beer festival held?

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Q.  6:  It contains beef or pork, but what is the main ingredient of the thick and spicy soup known as ‘Borscht’ that originated in Ukraine but is also popular in many Eastern and Central European countries.

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Q.  7:  What type of building is a ‘picture palace’?

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Q.  8:  From which part of its body does a cow, and presumably also a bull, sweat?

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Q.  9:  How many sides has a ‘Prism’?

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Q. 10:  What type of creature is a ‘horned toad’?

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Q. 11:  Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

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Q. 12:  What sort of fruit is a ‘Chinese gooseberry’?

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Q. 13:  In the original French medieval version of the story of ‘Cinderella’ (which gave us the modern Western version) what were Cinderella’s slippers made from?

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Q. 14:  In sunscreen lotions, what does the abbreviation ‘SPF’ stand for?

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Q. 15:  What do bullet proof vests, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

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Q. 16:  What is the most prevalent infectious disease in the UK?

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Q. 17:  A ‘mahout’ is a person who works with and rides what?

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Q. 18:  How many times was Richard Burton nominated for an Oscar and how many times did he win? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 19:  Which breed of cats, rabbits, and goats have the same name?

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Q. 20:  Finally, a guy is condemned to death and has three rooms to choose from and he must choose one of them. Room #1 contains a fiery inferno; room #2 contains 50 Assassins with loaded guns; and room #3 contains hungry lions that haven’t eaten in three months. Which room should he choose?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  An easy one to start with, where did Panama hats originate?

A.  1:  Okay, maybe not so easy, they originated in Ecuador.

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Q.  2:  What are toy marbles made from?

A.  2:  Although called ‘marbles’ they are made from ‘glass’.

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Q.  3:  How long did the ‘100 Years War’ last?

            a)  106 years          b)  116 years          c)  126 years

A.  3:  The correct answer is b) 116 years.

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Q.  4:  what is the only mobile National Monument in the USA?

A.  4:  San Francisco cable cars.

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Q.  5:  Here’s one for all you beer drinkers, in what month is the world famous ‘Munich Oktoberfest’ beer festival held?

A.  5:  In September.

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Q.  6:  It contains beef or pork, but what is the main ingredient of the thick and spicy soup known as ‘Borscht’ that originated in Ukraine but is also popular in many Eastern and Central European countries.

A.  6:  The main ingredient of ‘Borscht’ is beetroot.

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Q.  7:  What type of building is a ‘picture palace’?

A.  7:  It would be understandable if you said art gallery, but in fact a ‘picture palace’ was the name given to a cinema or theater for showing movies.

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Q.  8:  From which part of its body does a cow, and presumably also a bull, sweat?

A.  8:  Its nose.

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Q.  9:  How many sides has a ‘Prism’?

A.  9:  Five.

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Q. 10:  What type of creature is a ‘horned toad’?

A. 10:  A ‘horned toad’ is a lizard.

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Q. 11:  Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. 11:  Their birthplace.

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Q. 12:  What sort of fruit is a ‘Chinese gooseberry’?

A. 12:  It is a Kiwifruit.  It originated in China but renamed kiwifruit by growers/exporters in New Zealand.

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Q. 13:  In the original French medieval version of the story of ‘Cinderella’ (which gave us the modern Western version) what were Cinderella’s slippers made from?

A. 13:  They were made from squirrel fur which when you think about it is a lot more sensible than glass. The reason we ended up with a glass slipper is because the French word for squirrel fur is ‘vair’, which was misunderstood by Charles Perrault, writer of the modern version, to be verre, which means glass. You got it wrong Charlie and I guess so did most people who answered this question!

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Q. 14:  In sunscreen lotions, what does the abbreviation ‘SPF’ stand for?

A. 14:  ‘SPF’ stands for Sun Protection Factor.

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Q. 15:  What do bullet proof vests, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. 15:  They were all invented by women.

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Q. 16:  What is the most prevalent infectious disease in the UK?

A. 16:  The Common Cold.

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Q. 17:  A ‘mahout’ is a person who works with and rides what?

A. 17:  Elephants.

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Q. 18:  How many times was Richard Burton nominated for an Oscar and how many times did he win? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 18:  Richard Burton was nominated seven times for an Oscar and surprisingly never won any. The correct answers are 7 and 0.

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Q. 19:  Which breed of cats, rabbits, and goats have the same name?

A. 19:  Angora.

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Q. 20:  Finally, a guy is condemned to death and has three rooms to choose from and he must choose one of them. Room #1 contains a fiery inferno; room #2 contains 50 Assassins with loaded guns; and room #3 contains hungry lions that haven’t eaten in three months. Which room should he choose?

A. 20:  He should choose room #3 because the lions would be dead if they hadn’t eaten in three months.

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If It’s Facts You Want Here They Are!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, here they are.

Fifteen more fabulous facts for you.

Hope you find something of interest in this selection.

Enjoy.

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When Canada’s Northwest Territories considered renaming itself

in the 1990s, one name that gained support was “Bob.”

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Some cats are allergic to humans.

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The largest flag ever made was unveiled in Romania on May 27th 2013;

it weighed 5 tons and used 44 miles of thread.

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Walt Disney refused to allow Alfred Hitchcock to film at Disneyland

in the early 1960s because he had made “that disgusting movie Psycho.”

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George Washington insisted his continental army be permitted

a quart of beer as part of their daily rations.

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In Japan,

letting a sumo wrestler make your baby cry

is considered good luck.

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Alaska is so big you could fit 75 New Jerseys in it.

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Sunglasses were actually invented by the Chinese but not to block the sun.

They were used by judges in courtrooms to hide their emotions.

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In 1999, the U.S. government paid the Zapruder family

$16 million for the film of JFK’s assassination.

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The last widow of a Civil War soldier died in 2003.

Gertrude Janeway was 18 when she married 81 year old John Janeway in 1927.

When she died she was still receiving a monthly check for $70

from the Veterans Administration for a military pension

earned by her late husband on the Union side of the American Civil War.

The amount spanned three centuries.

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Tasmania, Australia has the cleanest air in the inhabited world.

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The Code of Hammurabi decreed that bartenders

who watered down beer would be executed.

(And quite right too.)

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During WWI, British tanks were initially categorized into “males” and “females.”

Male tanks had cannons, while females had heavy machine guns.

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Bikini designer Louis Reard said

a two-piece bathing suit couldn’t be called a bikini

“unless it could be pulled through a wedding ring.”

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Sigourney Weaver actually made that

‘impossible’ basketball shot in, Aliens: Resurrection.

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Did You Know? The Fact File Is Open Again!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The fact file is open again so let’s have a look and see what random bits of information have come up today.

As always, enjoy.

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Through the first half of the 20th century,

only one winner of the Oscar for Best Picture was filmed in color:

Gone with the Wind.

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Horses and donkeys are of different species.

In order to get what we call a “mule,” a horse and donkey

must mate and produce offspring.

Any offspring between two different species

will be sterile and unable to reproduce.

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Between 1912 and 1948, art competitions were a part of the Olympics.

Medals were awarded for architecture, music, painting, and sculpture.

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Medal of Honor recipient Thomas Baker

was gravely wounded and had his comrades leave him behind,

propped up against a tree with a pistol that had 8 bullets remaining.

Later they found his body next to the tree,

surrounded by 8 dead Japanese soldiers.

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A 14 year old boy broke into Buckingham Palace

and stole the Queen’s underwear.

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Theodore Roosevelt was once shot at during a campaign rally in Wisconsin.

The bullet penetrated his glasses case and a manuscript,

just missing his right lung.

Being an expert hunter he decided to stay and give his speech

since he wasn’t coughing up blood.

His speech lasted nearly an hour.

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Sean Penn once beat Madonna over the head with a baseball bat,

shot at a paparazzi,

and hung another paparazzi by is ankles from a ninth-floor balcony.

(I hope he isn’t upset by this post!)

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In 1994, Bill Gates bought the Da Vinci Codex for $30m

and then had it scanned and distributed

as screensavers and wallpapers for Windows95.

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An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce.

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World Famous Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey

is made only in the small town of Lynchburg, Tennessee.

Though the town supplies the world with the famous libation,

not a drop may be purchased for consumption anywhere in town.

Moore County is a “dry” county,

meaning that the sale and consumption of alcohol is illegal.

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300 people died in Ycuá Bolaños supermarket fire

on Sunday, August 1, 2004 in Asunción, Paraguay

because the owners shut the doors

so people wouldn’t leave without paying.

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Cats sweat through the pads of their feet

(especially when they hear a dog barking)

and cannot taste sweet things.

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In 1939, Hitler’s nephew wrote an article called

“Why I Hate My Uncle.”

He came to the U.S., served in the Navy,

and settled on Long Island.

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Britain’s Prince Harry is partial owner

of a racehorse named Usain Colt.

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A priest on the Titanic refused a place on a life boat twice,

and stayed behind to hear confessions and

give absolution to people left on the ship.

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A “2 by 4″ is really 1 1/2″ by 3 1/2″.

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There are more than 40,000 different

spoken languages in the world today.

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11% of the world is left-handed.

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With five full-time chefs, the White House kitchen

is able to serve dinner to as many as 140 guests

and hors d’oeuvres to more than 1,000.

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Bob Marley was buried with his red Gibson guitar,

a Bible opened to Psalm 23, and a bud of marijuana.

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Further Furry Fun!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I feel a bit of a Sunday Sermon coming on, if I get the time to write it.

But for today something a lot lighter and hopefully amusing.

It’s a second helping of our animal friends. They are fun.

Enjoy.

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Is it just me, or does this little feller look like Lil John recently on Celebrity Apprentice?

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Funny Animal Fotos

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time to relax for the weekend.

Here are a few funny animal fotos to help.

Some are natural shots, others have been helped a little with human input but I hope you find most of them amusing.

Enjoy.

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Foreclosure!

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CLASSIFIED: For Your Eyes Only, Part Twenty-Three!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And they said it wouldn’t last.

Yes we are at part twenty-three of the classified ad disasters and the stupidity shows no sign of abating – thank goodness.

Here’s the latest batch.

Enjoy.

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and finally, at last a sport I could do really well,

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Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yet another selection of those jokes you love to hate.

I wouldn’t guarantee the politically correctness of some of them, but enjoy them if you can!

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How do Welsh people cross the road?

Caerphilly!

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Are dwarfs the lowest form of human life?

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What are the rules of gay poker?

Queens are wild and straights don’t count.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

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A little old lady takes her dead cats to a taxidermist to be stuffed.

“Would you like them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.

“Oooo no….” says the lady, “just snuggled up next to each other.”

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A woman in the pharmacy sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampons for a dollar.

She can’t believe how good the deal is and asks the manager, “Is that price correct?”

“Sure is,” says the manager, “It’s a special offer, 5 boxes for a dollar and there are no strings attached!”

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Did you hear about the gay carpenter?

He always left a saw behind!

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A psychotic rapist escaped recently from a mental institution for the criminally insane. He ran across the street to the laundromat hoping to find a change of clothes. Inside, he discovered two women, and forced them to have sex. Then he fled out the back door.

The next day the local newspaper headline read, “NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!”

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Irish bloke walks into a pub and says, “Drink of orange please landlord.”

The landlord asks, “Still orange?”

Irish fella replies, “Yes, I haven’t changed my mind.”

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Two blondes walk into a building…

Wow, you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

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What do you call a bloke with a one inch penis?

Justin.

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After announcing he’s getting married, a Scotsman tells his pal he’ll be wearing a kilt.

‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks the mate.

‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress.’ he replies.

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Two parrots on a perch.

One turns to the other and says, “Can you smell fish?”

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What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?

None.

You just pick it up as you go along!

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Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.

“Would you like your usual, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replied. “Deep pan: crisp and even.”

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A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.

“Waiter, what’s this Chicken Tarka?”

The waiter replies, “it’s the same as Chicken Tikka, but it’s a little ‘Otter.”

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Questions That Should Never Have Been Asked

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I have been featuring a lot of questions that no one asked but that needed asking.

Stupid people, however, tend to get worried about things that don’t matter and ask questions that don’t need to be asked. They are obviously important to them, but not to anyone else.

Here are some stupid questions asked by stupid people about stupid things.

Do yourself a favor and just read these and (hopefully) have a laugh. Do not try to figure out why they were asked or what they mean. If you get too far inside the mind of a moron you may never make it back out again!

Enjoy!

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Does anyone know the brand of soap Deer don’t like that I can put around my garden to keep them out?

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What mother sauce does Alfredo come from?

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Is there any relation between cool music and rain?

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What is the opposite of science?

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What are the three essential parts of a crisis?

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If someone you loved turned into a zombie, would you be able to put them out of their misery?

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What determines the life span of animals?

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Which kind of cheating is the worst?

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Why are so many more people allergic to cats than to dogs?

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Would you eat steak made from human excrement?

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How long does a mature worm live?

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Now Why Didn’t I Ask That? – It’s Another Twenty Questions For Tuesday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Although some of these questions are a bit daft, some of them have a “Now why didn’t I ask that” quality about them too. So why didn’t you, and if you didn’t does that mean you know the answers?

Enjoy!

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Why do they say an American football team is the ‘world champion’ when they don’t play anybody outside the US?

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Do stuttering people stutter when they’re thinking to themselves?

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If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

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What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

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Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

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Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?

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Do your eyes change color when you die?

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If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?

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Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

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How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

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If K.F.C Stands for ‘Kentucky Fried Chicken’, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the commercials?

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If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?

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What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus?

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If you had a three story house and were on the second floor, isn’t it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?

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Why do they call it ‘getting your dog fixed’ if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

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Does a ‘Marks-A-Lot’ marker, mark any more than a regular marker?

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What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?

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If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

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Do movie producers still say “lights, camera, and action” when it is a dark scene?

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