Warning: Try Not To Hurt Yourself When Reading This Post.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Our look at labels for idiots by idiots continues with this selection.

I’m not sure which is the worst, those written for the idiots or the ones that the idiots have obviously written themselves.

Have a look and make up your own mind.

Enjoy.

.

.

“Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.”

On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

.

.

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.”

On a battery.

.

.

“Warning: Do not use on eyes.”

In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

.

.

“Do not look into laser with remaining eye.”

On a laser pointer.

.

.

“Do not use for drying pets.”

In the manual for a microwave oven.

.

.

“For use on animals only.”

On an electric cattle prod.

.

.

“For use by trained personnel only.”

On a can of air freshener.

.

“Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.”

Also on a can of air freshener.

.

.

“Remember,

objects in the mirror

are actually behind you.”

On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

.

.

“Warning: Riders of personal watercraft

may suffer injury due to the forceful injection

of water into body cavities either by

falling into the water or while mounting the craft.”

In the manual for a jetski.

.

.

“Warning:

Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up.

Doing so will cause injury and death.”

A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects),

which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

.

.

“Do not use as ear plugs.”

On a package of silly putty.

.

====================================

.

Clones Are People Two.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Great news today!

The September puns start here.

I know you will, but I’ll say it anyway.

Enjoy!

.

.

My son broke his Apple computer today and

had the audacity to ask me to buy him a new one.

I just told him, “Apples don’t grow on trees you know!”

 

.

.

I didn’t hear the sea when I held a Shell up.

I did, however, get six years in jail

for armed robbery of a gas station.

 

.

.

NBC have commissioned my new show about

what goes on inside an airplane cockpit.

We’re filming the pilot next week.

 

.

.

A man walks into a library and says

“I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

 

.

.

People used to tell me being blind would

hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

Who’s laughing now?

 

.

.

My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa.

Looking back, she was aslut.

 

.

.

My friend recently moved in with his girlfriend

and her massive magazine collection.

But when she refused to part with them he left her.

Apparently she had too many issues.

 

.

.

I’m not worried about the Third World War.

That’s the Third World’s Problem.

 

.

.

I have got a bit of a reputation as a ladies man in my local bar.

All I can say is, they smell so much cleaner than the gents.

 

.

.

Some guy broke into my house last night.

Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets.

 

.

.

My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.

He didn’t drink, he was just bad at quizzes.

 

.

.

I recently went on a holiday to a place called Romania.

It was useless; no one was even rowing.

 

.

.

A guy I know has invented a new hobby

called “blindfold plane watching”.

Can’t see it taking off.

 

.

.

I was watching a DVD on my laptop when I thought,

“Maybe it would be better if I put it in.”

 

.

.

My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world.

“Why?” I asked

“Arrogant people like you!” she screamed back.

I said “Yeah they do, don’t they?”

 

.

.

Someone has been pretending to be Mr T by using a similar name,

but no-one knows his real identity.

It’s a Mr E.

 

.

.

I’m reading a book about the Titanic at the moment,

and the experts speculate that the designer of the Titanic had a lisp.

That’s unthinkable!

 

.

.

I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”

The man said, “Is it for a clock?”

I said, “How do I know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

 

.

.

I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend

so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75.

 

.

.

I’ll leave you with a word of warning.

.

===========================================

.

Then There Was The Dyslexic Man Who Walked Into A Bra….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

Another short selection of punny jokes today.

Strong language warning on one of them for those likely to be offended by such things.

Enjoy! 

.

. 

What banned weapon can you use to kill slugs?

A salt rifle.

.

. 

If you owned a secret, underground fajita shop, would you keep it under wraps?

. 

.

I dated a girl from the Phillippines, she was a contortionist.

I called her my ‘Manila folder’

.

. 

I couldn’t understand why my mobile’s battery always seems to be flat.

Then I realized had it been any other shape, it wouldn’t fit in my phone.

.

. 

I knew a man who killed himself with a cyanide capsule.

That was a bitter pill to swallow.

. 

.

Some people think animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

.

. 

I hate puns about perforated things – they’re tearable.

.

. 

You would think that these herbs & spices puns would have died out by now.

But no, they just keep on Cumin.

.

. 

Paddy goes into a hardware store & asks to buy a sink.

“Would you like one with a plug?” says the assistant.

Paddy replies, “Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric!”

. 

.

Woman goes into a butcher’s…

“I’d like an oxtail please”.

“Certainly”, replies the butcher,

“Once upon a time there was an ox…”

. 

. 

One day I phoned with the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama.

. 

.

Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.

. 

.

I took my wife to the doctor yesterday, he examined her and said, “I’ll be perfectly honest… I don’t like the look of her.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said, “but she’s a good cook and the kids think the world of her!”

. 

.

I bought a Valentine’s Day card for everyone at our local Tourette’s Society.

It’s the thought that cunts.

. 

.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’’

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, it’s not unusual.”

.

. 

============================       

.

 

Word Play? Bad Jokes? Whatever you call them they’re Still Pun To Me

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A few more puns to make you laugh or groan.

Enjoy them if you can.

.

.

The cannibal was so nervous he threw up his hands

. 

He said I was average – but he was just being mean.

.0 

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

. 

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.    

. 

The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner – there were strings attached.

. 

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. 

. 

We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

. 

The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.

. 

I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

. 

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

. 

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

. 

I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.

. 

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.        

. 

Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can’t croak.         

. 

The police arrested two kids yesterday, one for drinking battery acid and the other one for eating fireworks. They charged one but let the other one off.

. 

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.          

. 

And finally,

 

Did you know that Macy’s have a contractual obligation to hire an unemployed man every November and December to play Father Christmas? It’s known as the Santa clause.

 .

==================================

.