Do You Know What Day It Is?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If you do know what day it is then you’re off to a good start.

Yes, today is Quiz Day. No points for that answer, but lots to be had below.

And as usual the answers are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below – but NO cheating, please!

Let’s get started.

Enjoy.

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quiz 8

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Q.  1:  What was the name of the blind Benedictine monk who allegedly invented Champagne?

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Q.  2:  Which cartoon dog spars with Tom and Jerry?

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Q.  3:  What was the first war in which jet airplanes fought each other?

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Q.  4:  Who first played James Bond in the cinema?

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Q.  5:  Which civilization built Machu Picchu?

Q.  6:  The small Russian buckwheat pancakes that are often served with caviar are called what?

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Q.  7:  What is a part of the digestive system and the currency in Costa Rica?

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Q.  8:  In which 1964 movie did Clint Eastwood play ‘The Man With No Name’?

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Q.  9:  Who played the title role in the TV series Cannon?

Q. 10:  Parker and Barrow were the surnames, what were the Christian names?

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Q. 11:  Louisette was the original name for a famous decollator. What is the more common name for this device?

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Q. 12:  Which bird is said to embody the souls of dead mariners?

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Q. 13:  Which Japanese city was devastated by an earthquake on January 18th, 1995?

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Q. 14:  Which famous horror movie takes place in the sleepy little coastal town Bodega Bay?

Q. 15:  Which detective character used the catch-phrase “Book ‘um Danno”?

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Q. 16:  Plus or minus 1, how many centimeters in height does a woman lose (on average) between her 40th and 70th birthday?

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Q. 17:  Who was famously assassinated with an Ice Pick in Mexico?

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Q. 18:  What was codename of Bob Woodward’s Watergate contact?

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Q. 19:  In which city would you find the bar Cheers?

Q. 20:  Which astronomical occurrence popularized in a song title never occurs in February? (2 words)

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  What was the name of the blind Benedictine monk who allegedly invented Champagne?

A.  1:  Dom Perignon

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Q.  2:  Which cartoon dog spars with Tom and Jerry?

A.  2:  Spike

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Q.  3:  What was the first war in which jet airplanes fought each other?

A.  3:  The Korean war

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Q.  4:  Who first played James Bond in the cinema?

A.  4:  Sean Connery

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Q.  5:  Which civilization built Machu Picchu?

A.  5:  The Incas

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Q.  6:  The small Russian buckwheat pancakes that are often served with caviar are called what?

A.  6:  Blini

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Q.  7:  What is a part of the digestive system and the currency in Costa Rica?

A.  7:  Colon

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Q.  8:  In which 1964 movie did Clint Eastwood play ‘The Man With No Name’?

A.  8:  A Fistful Of Dollars

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Q.  9:  Who played the title role in the TV series Cannon?

A.  9:  William Conrad

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Q. 10:  Parker and Barrow were the surnames, what were the Christian names?

A. 10:  Bonnie and Clyde.

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Q. 11:  Louisette was the original name for a famous decollator. What is the more common name for this device?

A. 11:  Guillotine

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Q. 12:  Which bird is said to embody the souls of dead mariners?

A. 12:  Albatross

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Q. 13:  Which Japanese city was devastated by an earthquake on January 18th, 1995?

A. 13:  Kobe

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Q. 14:  Which famous horror movie takes place in the sleepy little coastal town Bodega Bay?

A. 14:  The Birds

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Q. 15:  Which detective character used the catch-phrase “Book ‘um Danno”?

A. 15:  Steve McGarrett – Hawaii Five-O

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Q. 16:  Plus or minus 1, how many centimeters in height does a woman lose (on average) between her 40th and 70th birthday?

A. 16:  5 cm.   (3 cm. for men)

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Q. 17:  Who was famously assassinated with an Ice Pick in Mexico?

A. 17:  Trotsky

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Q. 18:  What was codename of Bob Woodward’s Watergate contact?

A. 18:  Deep Throat

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Q. 19:  In which city would you find the bar Cheers?

A. 19:  Boston

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Q. 20:  Which astronomical occurrence popularized in a song title never occurs in February? (2 words)

A. 20:   Blue Moon 

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Just Thought Of A Great Owl Joke, But I Can’t Use It Until 2/8/20.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, once again the clue was in the title, pun day.

Contrary to rumors on the internet puns have not been cancelled. Resistance is futile. 

So brace yourselves or whatever it is that you usually do.

But enjoy!

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I complained to the furniture store after a sofa I ordered

was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.

They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.

furniture-delivery

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My friend Max hates going up steep hills.

He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

steep hill

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What idiot invented fire blankets?

You’d think fire was hot enough…

fire blanket

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I was stood at a barberque the other day,

Yep, 30 minutes I waited for a haircut.

barbercue

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George made himself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap.

He said she was a bit clingy.

clingy

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I’ll tell you a couple of things that make me jump.

My legs.

jump

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A neighbor was molested by his priest when he was a kid,

It’s quite a touching story.

Abusing Priests

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I’ve just been banned from an online fashion forum.

Apparently my threads weren’t cool enough.

phillip-lim-ss-2012

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The best thing about being single is sleeping around.

You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours:

left, right, middle, whatever.

cartoon-bed-6

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The wife finally finished writing her

book about cooking with herbs.

It’s about thyme.

thyme-rubbed-pork-chops-with-pesto

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I can beat anybody in a fight with only one hand.

It’s the two-handed blokes who beat the crap out of me.

one arm man applauds

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Bono came into my shop today to buy a cake.

I asked him, “What do you want on it?”

He said, “Icing”

I said, “I know that, but what do you want on your cake?”

bono

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Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims

by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

cartoon lit match

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My Dad loves The Beatles and has all but one of the

original L.P. records with autographed sleeves.

I think he needs Help.

The Beatles Help Album

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There are many advantages of visiting Switzerland.

I mean, even the flag itself is a big plus.

swiss-flag

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I was lying in bed and I thought,

“I’ve gotta start telling the truth.”

lying in bed

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I said, “I’ve locked my keys in my car and my children are inside.”

My neighbor said, “Do you have a spare set?”

I said, “Yeah, I’ve got two sons with my ex-wife.”

man-looking-into-car-keys-locked-in-ignition

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For sale.

Modified DeLorean DMC-12.

No timewasters.

bttf-delorean

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I got chatting to a lumberjack in a bar the other day.

He seemed like a decent feller.

lumberjack

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I just bet on three horses called

Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times,

and none of them won.

I blame it on the bookie.

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Blunt Knives Are Pointless

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

merc crash

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When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

egotists

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I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

why did the chicken cross the road

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I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

Incense_Sticks

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

History teacher

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One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

sales_and_marketing

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73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

naked_woman_cartoon

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The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

empty envelope

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I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

germ_warfare

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The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

wedding-couple-cartoon

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

jumper cables

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I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

Baby  seal

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Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

Foreclosure Notice

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Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

Dont-Take-Life-Too-Seriously

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A Man Walked Into A Hardware Store….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case today’s title was a little bit obscure for you, it’s pun day again.

Yes even more of those bad jokes and word plays.

Enjoy!

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A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

“Is this good for wasps?” he asked the assistant.

“No, it kills them,” was the reply.

hardware store

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My Doctor told me I’m a Paranoid Schizophrenic.

We think he’s out to get us

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I went into the pharmacy last week and said to the woman behind the counter, “Packet of three, please, Miss.”

“Don’t you Miss me, young man,” she replied.

I said, “Okay, better make that four then!”

pharmacy

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I used to go out with a midget but we broke up.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

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I went to the missing persons bureau,

but there was no-one there.

missing persons bureau

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Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman says, “Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

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Why do they call it ‘raw’ sewage?

Is someone somewhere cooking it?

cartoon-chef

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I am very much into DIY.

Every time the wife asks me to do anything, I say, “do it yourself.”

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Ted Kennedy got told off for not opening the door for his girlfriend when he was on a date.

Instead he just swam to the surface.

kennedy_cartoon

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Computers are like air conditioners.

They work fine until you start opening windows.

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Food has supplanted sex as the main driving force in my life

– now I can’t even get into my own pants.

pants

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I had a horrible childhood.

My father was a Pontoon dealer in Vegas,

that’s why he used to hit me till I was 21

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I conducted an orchestra the other day.

It’s more fun than you can shake a stick at.

Conductor

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They say being a hostage is difficult…

…But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

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What’s got four legs and goes “boo”?

A cow with a cold.

cartoon-cow

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The Interstate was blocked for an hour yesterday

after a car driven by a hunchback crashed into a car driven by a bearded lady.

Police are describing it as a freak accident.

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Bloody feminists.

They should all be put behind bras.

comic_feministbraburnings

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What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

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Happy Thanksgiving Day Everybody

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well it’s Thursday again BUT it’s also Thanksgiving Day so perhaps some people will have a lot better things to do than read my blog today.

Whatever you are doing and wherever you are doing it, have a great and a lovely celebration whether you are with family, friends or just on your own.

For those who do care to take a few minutes to check out this blog, particularly for those in other countries who may not be celebrating on this particular day here is another selection of the bad jokes we like to call puns.

I just had to post this today because tomorrow I’ll probably be doing cold turkey. 

In case you hadn’t noticed, we’ve started. Read on and enjoy!

sexy chick .

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I used to be a banker but I lost interest  

bad bank good bank 

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How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.        

split pants

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He wears glasses during math because it improves division.      

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A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, ‘We don’t serve bacteria in this place.’

The bacteria said, ‘But I work here, I’m staph.’

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He has been a jogger for three years running.    

jogger cartoon

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In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

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Do optometrists live long because they dilate?

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I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

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I just got of these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how it turns out.

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John Deere’s manure spreader is the only equipment the company won’t stand behind.

manure spreader 

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Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. 

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I’m not a big fan of archery. It has too many strings attached and lots of drawbacks.

Cello Archery

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I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

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Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor.

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A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

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Is the patron saint of poverty St. Nickeless.

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My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

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I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.         

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Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

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thanksgiving cartoon

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